Hulk Hogan denies being a racist

by John Littlejohn

Samuel L. Jackson, yesterday

Hulk Hogan has denied being a racist after mistaking Samuel L. Jackson for Lawrence Fishburne. 


Appearing on ITV's Loose Women to apologise for previous allegations of racism, Hogan, 84, told fellow guest, Matrix star Samuel L. Jackson, that he thought he was awesome in the Green Mile.

Hogan, best known for his starring role as hapless babysitter Shep Ramsey in Santa With Muscles, later explained that he had made an honest mistake in identifying Mr Jackson because his eyes and ears with clogged with apologetic tears.

He said: “Let me tell you something Mean Gene. All the little Hulkamaniacs are saying their prayers and taking their vitamins, brother.

“What you gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild over you?” he added.

Mr Jackson was unavailable to comment, although this reporter believes he would have probably said a lot of swears.

Mr Fishburne, best known for playing an armed robber in Coming To America starring Eddie Murphy, said he was just glad to finally get some recognition.

Ant and Dec 'caught in bizarre sex act'

by John Littlejohn,

Cheeky chappy TV duo Anthony McFarland and Declan Donnelly, affectionately known by their adoring fans as cheeky chappy TV duo Ant and Dec (pictured), have been caught engaging in bizarre sex games by one of our Dodo celebrity news stalkers.

The act, which is too heinous to describe, involved Anthony and Declan standing atop of a high platform and defecating heavily onto a giant sign emblazoned with the words ‘The British Public’. They were seen laughing hysterically whilst engaging in the ploperfic act, with one witness describing both the act and the resultant defecation as ‘really quite nutty’.

After completing this scatological act, both men were seen running away from the scene giggling like perverts and carrying big handfuls of cash. Declan was seen asking an 87 year old woman how old she was, and then congratulating her on being that old; Anthony quickly pulled him away exclaimed ‘not now’.

When quizzed, Anthony said ‘this is just a smear campaign; we’ve been shitting on the British Public for years and walking away with handfuls of cash - I don’t know what the problem is.’

It has also been rumoured that three ITV executives, two high-ranking members of the Conservative party and Piers Morgan were also involved.

Celeb Resolutions, 2013.

The Dodo Times reveals the New Year resolutions of the great and good.

Nick Clegg – Nick was going to promise to stand up for his real values, but was quickly shouted down by David Cameron (pictured) and promised to give up chocolate instead.

Pippa Middleton – Has promised her sister that she won’t try and outshine the birth of the royal baby by withdrawing her arse from all public engagements.

Colin Collymore – The Dodo Times’ sports writer has declared that he will himself be sportier. On the list of sports that he will take up are rhythmic badminton, drunken judo and the 110m hurdles.

Piers Morgan – Piers promised to stop being a complete and utter cunt, but failed his resolution mere seconds after the final chimes of Big Ben.

Michael Barrymore – The presenter of the ever-popular Strike it Lucky and Strike it Rich has promised to keep on top of cleaning his swimming pool.

Gail from Coronation Street – Has promised to use 2013 to grow a chin.

Edgar Chalmers – The Dodo Times’ paranoia writer will be making an effort to understand other cultures and to embrace new things, so long as they aren’t foreign.

Tom Baker - Has vowed to try and patch things up with his estranged body, with the hope that he can be more than a dis-embodied voice.

Lily Allen – Has vowed to record more shows on her ‘loverlly’ Sky Plus box. Hopefully with all that TV to watch, it will keep her out of the recording studio.

Brian Blessed – Brian will be striving to use his indoor voice.

Lydia Muff-Footle – The Dodo Times’ female correspondent has vowed to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, like Belgian chocs, store cards and killer heels. And has promised to have “fun fun fun!”and keep on showing the boys how it’s done.

Paul McCartney – See Piers Morgan.

And finally, John Littlejohn has vowed to bring back National Service...

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Four.

October

Woof woof!

October became Mufftober as every cretin with a pubic mound decided to wear novelty mirkins for a month to raise money and awareness of Pubapecia, a hereditary illness that causes one’s pubic hair to be caught in the fly of jeans and other zip-fronted apparel.

Also this month, North Korean high Emperor Kim Jong-Un became Mr. Gay UK



Movember

Richard Wilson was named ‘World’s Greatest Sceptic’ by a panel of noted Atheists, including The Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Atkinson, 70, Jenny Éclair, 61 and the one out of ‘Mythbusters’ who looks a little bit like Gary Glitter, you know the one, 53. When asked to comment on receiving this prestigious award, the 92 year old star of TV’s ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ said ‘I don’t believe it’ and refused to turn up to receive his award, which was to be presented by the lovely Rachael from Countdown, 32-24-34DD (phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof (pictured, phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof ).

Also this month, Paul McCartney took his amputation fetishism to its logical conclusion when he announced his engagement to a woman known simply as ‘The Human Torso’.



December

During his world famous Winterval address, Pope Nazinger revealed that Jimmy Savile was to be canonised as a saint noting that the tireless charity worker and child molester fit in well with the values of the Church.

Also this month, Nick Clegg incorrectly received a spine during a ministerial Secret Santa. Clegg was , however, reluctant to speak up when he realised the mistake had been made and Prime Minster David Cameron pointed out that there’s “probably some satire there”.

Also, the world didn’t end… or did it? (It didn’t… or did it?)
And finally… a satsuma was found that resembled an orange, pock marked bottom .

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Three.

July

A Lady?

In July, the words ‘L*ndon’, ‘O*ympics’ and ‘2*12’ became property of the London Olympics 2012 TM committee with sanctions being given to all businesses in the world who stole the intellectual rights of the Olympic Committee. The Tower of L*ndon was renamed the Tower of Decapitation, and the L*ndon Stock Exchange was forced to change its name to the Bankers’ Sinister Lair, and all calendars reverted to the Gregg’s pasty tax calendar until 2013. Lord Coe was delighted by this, noting that “it has been great to stick it to those thieving gypsy scoundrels,” adding that he has “enjoyed stringing those thieving arseholes up by their jaffas and sending them off the Tower of Decapitation.”

The term ‘Olymprick’ was also added to the Oxford English Dictionary this month.



August

With the wars on terror, drugs and anti-social behaviour grinding to a halt, Prime Minster David Cameron announced a new series of expensive and long-lasting wars on a new set of abstract concepts. Expect wars to be waged against hope, loss and fervour.

Also this month, the Paralympics gave hope to disableds everywhere – ahh, bless.



September

It was at this time that Mr Bean was revealed to have originally been made as a stark and harrowing documentary about the life of a man living with autism. After watching the footage, ITV executives added a laugher track and marketed it as a comedy.

This was also the month that The Dodo Times revealed that pop diva Lady Gaga (pictured) was not a Lady at all, and that her lineage suggested no links to aristocracy or landed gentry.

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Two.

April

Turd

Justin Lee Collins’ entire career was revealed by Channel Four executives to be an elaborate April Fools joke that went too far. His career has since been repealed.
This month also saw the Gay Mafia join forces with the Human Rights Brigade with the specific aim of pissing off right-wing columnists Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson, and Charlie Brooker.



May

It was also at this time that Prime Minster David Cameron (pictured) was overheard during a Liberal Democrat fundraiser telling Nick Clegg to ‘fuck the poor’ – with Cameron later saying this was not offensive, but merely the name of a new policy. This was also on the same week that Nick Clegg was forced to announce the ‘fuck the poor’ policy which would see thousands of paupers being forced into working as reluctant gay prostitutes and appearing in pornographic films or else lose their benefits.
Also this month, Brian Blessed was advised to use his “indoor voice” during a dinner party.



June

In June, the world’s largest turd was discovered beached in the river Thames. The Floatilla, codenamed ‘Piers Morgan’, weighed in at a princely 14st. HM the Queen of England, Victoria the 3rd, led a 5000 strong armada to bear witness to the excremental marvel. This was punctuated by scenes of crowds of cockney revellers basking in the wonder and glory of the big pongy plop.
Celebrity Cyclist Bradley Wiggins embarked upon a tour of de France to promote his new album ‘Cycling With Sideburns’.

Midge Ure targeted by Muslamic extremists.

by John Littlejohn

Midge Ure (1924-2012)

The desecrated corpse of 80s pop-sensation Midge Ure (pictured) was recently found nailed to the backpack of a Muslamic suicide bomber. The explosion which ripped through Midge Ure’s torso blew his spleen off and made his face look a bit crooked.

Muslamic group the ‘Jihad of fire and blood and death to the infidel brigade’ recently published a poorly shot video on that internet they have nowadays –ironically using decadent Western technology to spread their message against the decadent West. The video depicted a man dressed as a terrorist ranting about something or other in some language that we don’t care to learn or translate – that’s how they win. Another less-credible news-source had the video translated which pointed to Midge Ure’s involvement in Band Aid as the main reason for the atrocity.

In the translated video, a terrorist said “do we know Christmas? No, we fucking – it imperialism and offensive to great prophet. God is the great, we will crusade of mercy. Ha! We will never!”

The Dodo Times believe that the Muslamics are targeting all singers involved in the Band Aid project. Though we will be sorry to see 80s pop-sensation Andrew Ridgley’s head being kicked around on the YouTube, and George Michael’s decapitated hands being used as a macabre door-stop, we welcome any moves to put a stop to Bono and would gently point the terrorists towards Paul McCartney’s face.

Rik Astley concert ends 'in chaos'.

by John Littlejohn

A sell-out concert of 80s pop-heartthrob Rik Astley (pictured) ended in chaos last night as thousands of adoring fans rioted and demanded a full refund costing the venue, the promoter and the artist thousands of pounds in lost revenue and reparations.

The violence started when 80s pop-sensation Astley performed his popular hit ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ to the packed arena. Expecting universal and unrelenting adulation, Astley was shocked to be quickly drowned out by the sound of boos, cat-calls and the smashing of chairs and toilet seats. Bottles and glasses were thrown stage-bound with reckless abandon as Astley’s aides quickly removed him from the fray.

One eye-witness reported seeing a middle-aged fat woman and a couple of students who were there ironically hurling one of Astley’s amplifiers into the merchandise stand, ripping four T-shirts and knocking over a life-sized Astley love doll featuring two usable holes and a vibrating protrusion.

One rioter noted that the violence started when the audience believed that the show had been a dupe. “I paid good money to see Rik Astley, but when I realised I’d been Rik-rolled I knew it was time to smash some shit up.” Another rioter told our reporter that the show had been going swimmingly “until he fucking tricked us into watching ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ – fucker”.

With five people dead and the ashes of the Leyton Buzzard Academy still smouldering, we say that it is high time that Astley was strung-up. I didn’t pay my licence fee for this.

Christmas TV Highlights.

The Dodo Times' John Littlejohn recommends the best TV to watch over the Winterval period.

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A Christmas Michael Carroll

The self-styled 'king of the chavs' (pictured) goes round Great Ormond Street Hospital bragging to the children about how much money he used to have and many prostitutes he has slept with.

BBC 3, Boxing Day eve, 5pm

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The Yellow Snowman

Festival animation in which a young boy is taken on a night-time adventure by a man covered in yellow snow. Narrated by Benedict Cumberbatch or the Butler from Downton Abbey.

Channel 4, Christmas day 12:00.

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The Queen’s Peach

An hour-long celebration of the Her Majesty The Queen’s posterior. From her Pippa Middleton style pert and perky butt of the 1950s to the Victorian Royal bumper of today. Featuring stirring anthems from the Royal Philharmonic Electric Light Orchestra. Narrated by Paul Burrell.

ITV and BBC1, 3pm, Christmas day.

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Barrymore's Christmas Pool Party: Live!

A hilarious and tragic romp at Barrymore's private pad. Will anyone turn up and will anyone survive?

ITV2, Christmas Eve 9pm

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Do they know it's Christmas time?

Celebrities travel to Somalia to confront Muslamic heathens with hilarious and life-changing consequences.

BBC1, Christmas Eve, 4pm

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Nigella Presents... Her Christmas Puddings

Saucy English muffin and thinking-man's crumpet Nigella Lawson (pictured) displays her big, round Christmas puddings to a salivating 35-55 male demographic. Yowzer!

BBC2 Christmas Eve, 10pm

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Rantzen’s Ransom

Esther Rantzen presents an around-the-clock TV telethon with the aim of raising £6 million to secure the freedom of the stars of Do They Know It’s Christmas from Somali pirates.

BBC1, Christmas Eve, 5pm

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Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Road Show

The tubby, posh 'funnyman' laughs uproariously to himself as he talks incoherently about his favourite roads.

Dave, Christmas Eve Eve, 9pm (repeated on Christmas day, Boxing day, 28th, 31st, 1st Jan and regularly during 2013-15.)

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Mock the Weak... at Christmas!

Dara O'Bryan and a group of edgy young comedians wander around Great Ormond Strett Hospital poking fun at terminally ill and disabled kiddies with hilarious and tragic consequences.

BBC2, 22nd December, 10pm

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Home Alone 5

Festive romp Based on the tragic story of little Madeline McCann and her hapless bungling parents, with hilarious and tragic consequences at Christmas.

Channel 5, Christmas Day, 4pm

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The Daily Mail Presents... She's a Big Girl Now!

The top 50 soon-to-be-legal lasses who will rock your Google image searches in 2013 and 2014, or until then lose their sweet, innocent looks. See who goes from being ‘jailbait’ to nothing more than a ‘PC World false alarm’. Enthusiastically presented by Piers Morgan, with talking head segments by Jenny Éclair and Jo Brand.

ITV, New Years Eve, 9pm.

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Film: James Bond: The living Daylights

Classic Bond starring Timothy Dalton (pictured).

BBC1, Christmas Day, 4pm

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The Kryptonite Factor

A game-show that challenges all facets of human endurance. Contenders must solve cryptic puzzles, answer general knowledge questions and traverse a gruelling obstacle course whilst being exposed to their greatest allergies - with hilarious and tragic consequences

ITV, Tuesdays, 7pm

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Celebrity You've Been Framed

Harry Hill stitches-up hapless celebs with hilarious and long-term prison dwelling consequences.

ITV, Boxing day, 6pm

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Young Pat Butcher of the Year

Judged by Pam St. Clement.

BBC2, Boxing Day, 5pm

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Remember Nostalgia Shows?

An ironic and humorous look back at nostalgia countdown shows, presented by tubby Northern 'funny-man', Peter Kay, and featuring talking head segments by Jenny Éclair and Jo Brand.

Channel 4, New Year’s Eve, 8pm onwards

Face of Michael Jackson appears on La Toya Jackson's face.

by Rod Ladle

There was shock in the entertainment world last night when an apparent miracle took place on La Toya Jackson’s face. Ms. Jackson (pictured) was the guest of honour at the opening of a brand new celebrity ice-skating rink in the Hollywood Arndale Centre, when the image of her late brother, the singer and dancer Michael Jackson, suddenly appeared on her face.

There were gasps of astonishment from the audience as the image also seemed to speak out in a voice very similar to that of the deceased monochromatic entertainer, even finishing the speech that La Toya was giving about how ice-skating was an activity that even the poorest Hollywood star had a right to enjoy.

La Toya Jackson, a singer and entertainer herself in some respects, seemed unaware of the phenomena and spent almost 20 full minutes circulating amongst the crowds afterwards, all the time completely oblivious to the events that had just taken place on her face.

Nobody in the shocked crowd dared to bring up the subject given the frostiness of her relationship with her former brother, which, even though the pair made peace shortly after his death, was never as close as the one he had with his other siblings. This Morning’s celebrity medium Angelica Pube told the Dodo Times, ‘This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. People who pass away in troubled or difficult circumstances often come back from the spirit realm as they have unfinished business here on Earth; or sometimes their auras are left behind to revisit significant locations from their lives. I would imagine that Michael had unfinished business on La Toya’s face.’

This is the latest in a series of sightings of Jackson’s ghost in recent months, with reports that the King of Pop’s image has also been spotted in the meat department of Harrods, the monkey house at Los Angeles zoo, and a Detroit branch of Mothercare, among other places.

Government announce merger between two of Britain’s finest exports.

by Rod Ladle

It was announced last night that popular boybands The Wanted and One Direction (pictured) are to be merged as part of a £1bn package of cuts across the entertainments world. Damien Spudswell, Government Entertainments minister says that the merger will provide even better value for fans and will not detract from their enjoyment of the groups.

Speaking in an interview to be broadcast on youth TV channel SpunkzTV over the weekend, Mr. Spudswell said, “Merging them was the logical step to take in these tough times of cuts and austerity. They’re basically the same anyway, I doubt anybody will really notice the difference, like when Robbie Williams left Take That and his mass was replaced by Gary Barlow putting on weight. Everybody wins.”

The reaction amongst fans of the two groups has been divided, with many taking to social networking sites to voice their concerns at the move. @DougieHoleman tweeted on Twitter: “My only concern is that somebody will start wearing a hat and I’ll have to buy one. Hats ain’t cheap you know lol!”

On a Facebook fan profile, The Wanted fan Anita Wookieback posted a picture of some strands of hair she had pulled out and a message reading, “For my darling Max, this is literally worse than death.”

But self-proclaimed ‘biggest 1D superfan’ @VeronicaPenge was more upbeat about the plans, tweeting: “as long as harry stays is all gud. luv harry 4ever!!!”

David Cameron was quick to defend the plan, saying that it will be a great boost for the UK economy. Speaking from his affluent south-west London home this morning, the Prime Minister said, “Let me be absolutely clear on this – we can not afford to continue spending on extravagances like boybands when honest, decent working class people like you and I are literally starving on the streets.” Labour leader Ed Miliband was less than enthusiastic however and released this statement via his mouth on BBC breakfast TV earlier, “Is it right that in these tough economic times, the entertainments industry is being forced to downsize its boyband output? Manufacturing boybands is a proud British tradition, and this new initiative will have a negative effect on our industry and could potentially devastate the infrastructure of British life.”

Rumours of future plans to consolidate Jedward into a single, more manageable person could not be confirmed at this point.