Government announce merger between two of Britain’s finest exports.

by Rod Ladle

It was announced last night that popular boybands The Wanted and One Direction (pictured) are to be merged as part of a £1bn package of cuts across the entertainments world. Damien Spudswell, Government Entertainments minister says that the merger will provide even better value for fans and will not detract from their enjoyment of the groups.

Speaking in an interview to be broadcast on youth TV channel SpunkzTV over the weekend, Mr. Spudswell said, “Merging them was the logical step to take in these tough times of cuts and austerity. They’re basically the same anyway, I doubt anybody will really notice the difference, like when Robbie Williams left Take That and his mass was replaced by Gary Barlow putting on weight. Everybody wins.”

The reaction amongst fans of the two groups has been divided, with many taking to social networking sites to voice their concerns at the move. @DougieHoleman tweeted on Twitter: “My only concern is that somebody will start wearing a hat and I’ll have to buy one. Hats ain’t cheap you know lol!”

On a Facebook fan profile, The Wanted fan Anita Wookieback posted a picture of some strands of hair she had pulled out and a message reading, “For my darling Max, this is literally worse than death.”

But self-proclaimed ‘biggest 1D superfan’ @VeronicaPenge was more upbeat about the plans, tweeting: “as long as harry stays is all gud. luv harry 4ever!!!”

David Cameron was quick to defend the plan, saying that it will be a great boost for the UK economy. Speaking from his affluent south-west London home this morning, the Prime Minister said, “Let me be absolutely clear on this – we can not afford to continue spending on extravagances like boybands when honest, decent working class people like you and I are literally starving on the streets.” Labour leader Ed Miliband was less than enthusiastic however and released this statement via his mouth on BBC breakfast TV earlier, “Is it right that in these tough economic times, the entertainments industry is being forced to downsize its boyband output? Manufacturing boybands is a proud British tradition, and this new initiative will have a negative effect on our industry and could potentially devastate the infrastructure of British life.”

Rumours of future plans to consolidate Jedward into a single, more manageable person could not be confirmed at this point.