Celeb Resolutions, 2013.

The Dodo Times reveals the New Year resolutions of the great and good.

Nick Clegg – Nick was going to promise to stand up for his real values, but was quickly shouted down by David Cameron (pictured) and promised to give up chocolate instead.

Pippa Middleton – Has promised her sister that she won’t try and outshine the birth of the royal baby by withdrawing her arse from all public engagements.

Colin Collymore – The Dodo Times’ sports writer has declared that he will himself be sportier. On the list of sports that he will take up are rhythmic badminton, drunken judo and the 110m hurdles.

Piers Morgan – Piers promised to stop being a complete and utter cunt, but failed his resolution mere seconds after the final chimes of Big Ben.

Michael Barrymore – The presenter of the ever-popular Strike it Lucky and Strike it Rich has promised to keep on top of cleaning his swimming pool.

Gail from Coronation Street – Has promised to use 2013 to grow a chin.

Edgar Chalmers – The Dodo Times’ paranoia writer will be making an effort to understand other cultures and to embrace new things, so long as they aren’t foreign.

Tom Baker - Has vowed to try and patch things up with his estranged body, with the hope that he can be more than a dis-embodied voice.

Lily Allen – Has vowed to record more shows on her ‘loverlly’ Sky Plus box. Hopefully with all that TV to watch, it will keep her out of the recording studio.

Brian Blessed – Brian will be striving to use his indoor voice.

Lydia Muff-Footle – The Dodo Times’ female correspondent has vowed to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, like Belgian chocs, store cards and killer heels. And has promised to have “fun fun fun!”and keep on showing the boys how it’s done.

Paul McCartney – See Piers Morgan.

And finally, John Littlejohn has vowed to bring back National Service...

Wanking crisis 'set to explode'.

by John Littlejohn

The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal that the Wank Bank crisis has come to a head this week as the IMF (International Masturbation Fodder) has warned of a serious wankonomic crisis the likes of which the world has yet to see.

According to Professor Pauline Cox, the issue is a complex one, telling our on of our reporters that “it’s actually quite a complex issue”, adding that it was due to a combination of factors, saying “it’s due to a combination of disparate factors.” When pushed for a firm response, we were told in no uncertain terms to please leave here property, because it was seven o’clock in the morning, saying “please leave my property, it’s seven o’clock in the fucking morning,”

Dodo scientographers believe that if the base wankery levels don’t improve by the middle of next year, this could lead to a blockage in the Wank Bank, which will be followed by an enormous surge which will leave most major cities in Britain and America to be coated in a Wank Bank meltdown that could surpass even Bukkake Wednesday for the mess it will make.

The problem has been blamed on a lack of reinvestment, and on a constant recycling of old favourites; but with Gillian Anderson resembling a hagraven, Angelina Jolie (pictured) looking like a skeleton with a funny mouth plastered on. And Pamela Anderson looking like a garish clown, their allure has been replaced by universal revulsion.

A spokesman from the British Nation Party was quick to blame foreigners for clogging up the internet with German transvestite rubber fetishists, Brazilian fart lovers and Japanese sea monsters taking a brunt of the blame. The spokesman argued that “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup to have some fat German bloke shake his junk and ruin an hour of solid, ahem, research. We want British wanks for British people.”

The G20 are painstakingly working on a bailout package to provide a needed stimulus for millions of bored and lonely men. The idea has been described by Nick Clegg as “about as good as a wet fart”. A recent hack by the Dodo Times of Mr Clegg’s hard-drive can reveal that this is most likely a good thing. It is hoped that these measures will help to relieve the tension.