Giant crab terrorises Westminster; Pickles blamed.

by Colin Dignitas

It’s the sort of thing usually seen in Hollywood summer blockbuster movies; but in an unusual twist of reality, it was announced today that the Palace of Westminster – the building which houses the Houses of Parliament and House of Lords – is being terrorised by a giant crab.

The crab, a hitherto unknown species, was discovered on Tuesday morning by Palace cleaner Mrs. Edna Sprockett. Mrs Sprockett, 57, from Putney, who had just come in to mop the floor of the central lobby before the Prime Minister arrived for work, when she discovered the crab crouching in a corner picking through a waste bin for food. After disturbing the crab, it then skittered off across the lobby and hid under a bench where it looked out at her, clacking its pincers occasionally.

“It was something of a shock.” Mrs Sprockett told The Dodo Times earlier. “It’s not the sort of thing you expect to find going on in such an iconic location. I’ve been cleaning for most of my adult life, and I must have mopped or vacuumed nearly all of the corridors of power in this country, but I have never seen a giant crab rummaging through a waste bin for food before - especially not in a government building.”

Nobody is yet sure where the crab came from; but in Westminster, rumours are rife that it may have escaped from Eric Pickles’ lunch box, which is delivered by fork lift truck every day at 12.00. Mr. Pickles has not yet commented on the rumours, but a departmental aide told me that he is fairly sure that the crab couldn’t have come from Mr Pickles, as he was sure that on Monday – the day prior to the crab’s appearance – he went out for a light lunch at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in North London.

Whatever the crab’s origins one thing is for certain, the arrival of former deputy Prime Minister John Prescott in Westminster this morning carrying a bottle of mayonnaise and a large fork does not bode well for the creature.

Suspicious child destroyed at airport.

by Edgar Chalmers

An abandoned young boy has been destroyed in a controlled explosion at East Midlands Airport (pictured).
This was done in accordance of new anti-terror legislation that states that "at any airport, bus or train station, any suspicious abandoned packages, suitcases, children or grandparents left alone for more than 120 seconds can be removed and/or destroyed if they are deemed to pose any threat to the public at large."

The boy who can't be named for legal reasons but who is the son of Cyril Postlethwaite of Mold-on-the-Wold and is aged nine and called Percival, was detonated at 13:55 on Sunday outside WH Smith as his father was waiting to take delivery of his new eastern European bride.

We managed to get a word with the father of the smoky remains emanating from the size two Nike trainers: "I am obviously devastated at the loss of my son and heir, but the law is the law. You can't be too careful and Natalka and I will sleep soundly knowing that people are taking action to prevent further atrocities like 7/7, 4/12 or the infamous 3/5."

This reporter praises the quick thinking of all the staff involved, and is delighted to finally see some results.

Health warnings over Halal food

by John Littlejohn,

Letters have been sent to residents in towns and cities including Liverpool and Bristol following revelations that Halal food could destroy the West.

The warnings came from the Government following revelations that the consumption of Halal food made us Brits 72.4 per cent more suggestible to accepting Islam as our lord and master.

Scientographers at Newcastle-under-Lyme university made the discovery three years ago, but it is only now that the Government are acknowledging the issue.

A 42-year-old woman from Bolton found herself drawn more and more to her local Mecca bingo hall after consuming what she later discovered to be Halal bacon.

Michael Smith, 26, of Dudley, West Midlands, handed himself into police after having a series of recurring dreams where he flew planes into Wolverhampton's Novotel hotel after consuming a Halal packet of crisps.

David Singh, Muslamic priest at St Muhammed's Temple, Braford (pictured), said: "We will crush all of the puny American pig dog infidels.

"Please feast on our evil, sorry I mean delicious, Halal foods and you too can learn to know the true meaning Jihad."

Martin Britman, UKIP's European candidate for Leicester said: "This is the trouble with all this foreign food, coming over here, taking our jobs.

"I want to see real food, British food - what's a good Spag Bol or Balti?

"We didn't win two world wars and one world cup for this."

Midge Ure targeted by Muslamic extremists.

by John Littlejohn

Midge Ure (1924-2012)

The desecrated corpse of 80s pop-sensation Midge Ure (pictured) was recently found nailed to the backpack of a Muslamic suicide bomber. The explosion which ripped through Midge Ure’s torso blew his spleen off and made his face look a bit crooked.

Muslamic group the ‘Jihad of fire and blood and death to the infidel brigade’ recently published a poorly shot video on that internet they have nowadays –ironically using decadent Western technology to spread their message against the decadent West. The video depicted a man dressed as a terrorist ranting about something or other in some language that we don’t care to learn or translate – that’s how they win. Another less-credible news-source had the video translated which pointed to Midge Ure’s involvement in Band Aid as the main reason for the atrocity.

In the translated video, a terrorist said “do we know Christmas? No, we fucking – it imperialism and offensive to great prophet. God is the great, we will crusade of mercy. Ha! We will never!”

The Dodo Times believe that the Muslamics are targeting all singers involved in the Band Aid project. Though we will be sorry to see 80s pop-sensation Andrew Ridgley’s head being kicked around on the YouTube, and George Michael’s decapitated hands being used as a macabre door-stop, we welcome any moves to put a stop to Bono and would gently point the terrorists towards Paul McCartney’s face.