Piggate: Family comes out in defence of David Cameron

by John Littlejohn,

David Cameron, today

The family of the dead pig whose face was prodded by David Cameron’s man-sausage* has come out in the Prime Minister’s defence.

The relatives of Sir Trufflesnout said that having his dead face humped by a future Prime Minister was “what he would have wanted.”

A family spokesman said the Trufflesnouts have been “driven rind the bend by reporters,” adding that the allegations “are sow two-thousand-and-late.”

Mr Cameron made his "Bill Clinton" statement during a family outing to Hampshire.

Mr Cameron said: “Today has been the wurst day of my life, but I hope these words will help to save my bacon because when I first heard about this, I thought it was a rib.

“When I saw pulled pork was on the menu I thought it would be a nice Chorizo I can only apologise for being such a jerky," he said.

“I ham truly sorry.”



*allegedly.

Tories unveil plans to improve the lives of the super-rich

by John Littlejohn,

Chancellor George Osborne has outlined a new set of policies that will improve the lives of some of the richest people in the UK. 

Mr Osborne’s “Fuck the Poor” white paper could see sweeping reforms of welfare, justice and healthcare, and include a measure to make it compulsory for all members of the Cabinet to have served for at least three years in the Bullingdon Club, thus cementing tradition into law.

Under the policy, anyone deemed to be one of Boris Johnson’s mates will be given immunity from prosecution and poor people accused of a crime will be forced to volunteer at one of PoundLand’s labour camps – the same will also apply for any disableds or doleys.

Food banks will be forced to reform their working practises, with calls for food bank bosses to be paid large annual bonuses and for them to invest more of their capital in derivates such as soy and entrails.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins will be called in as a special adviser to the Government on refugee and mental health policy.   

George Osborn, yesterday

Mr Osborne said: “The policies are a part of our long-term economic plan. It is a simple choice between a clear, steady hand, or complete and utter chaos on the other.

He added: “There a two types of people in this world: the good, honest, hard-working super-rich and worthless fucking plebs.”

Mr Osborne said the money saved will allow him reduce the level of tax paid by the one per cent richest in the UK.

Communist leader Jeremy Corbyn said he disagreed with Mr Osborne’s plans, but he would.

Jeremy Corbyn poised to destroy the solar system

by Rod Ladle

Brian Cox, yesterday

Scientographers have warned that communist leader Jeremy Corbyn may risk destroying the solar system if he turns into a super-duper black hole.

Fears were raised by ubiquitous science go-to-guy Professor Brian Cox after Comrade Corbyn-Laden started showing signs of developing an event horizon.

Hundreds of reporters have found themselves unable to escape what is becoming known in political circles as the red singularity.

Those caught within the singularity find it impossible to write about anything else, with concerns mounting that soon light and matter will also be sucked in.

Prof Cox said: “The red singularity is one of those rare wonders in science that can't help but fill one with a sense of the divine.

“Mr Corbyn’s magnetism appears to be straddling the electromagnetic spectrum like a fat boy on a butcher’s bike.”

Copies of the Daily Express can be held up when near the Corbynator as a means of protection, but for many it is already too late.

Three Dodo Times reporters have found themselves trapped by the red menace – Xenu willing, they will emerge unscathed.

We did not approach Mr Corbyn for a comment because he is a cad and a bounder and would only start spouting communist propaganda before chinning our photographer.

Jeremy Corbyn wants to ban Christmas and puppies

by John Littlejohn

Jeremy Corbyn, yesterday

Jeremy Corbyn has said he will ban Christmas and puppies if his party is elected in the 2020 General Election.

The communist leader outlined his plans during a Nuremberg Rally style event outside a chip-ship in his London constituency.

Mr Corbyn told his extremist followers that Christmas and puppies represent the excesses of “decadent Western values.”

He said: “My aim as your supreme ayatollah is to create a migrant pipeline between here and Bongo Bongo Land.

“Under my iron fist, you won’t be able to say the word 'Jesus' or wear a poppy because it might offend a Muslamic “

Following an evil cackle, Mr Corbyn spat on this non-bias reporter and told a good, honest hedge fund manager to kill herself (yes, a lady hedge fund manager).

Prime Minister David Cameron said Mr Corbyn was “a silly sod”, but assured the Dodo Times that everything is going to be fine.

Celeb Resolutions, 2013.

The Dodo Times reveals the New Year resolutions of the great and good.

Nick Clegg – Nick was going to promise to stand up for his real values, but was quickly shouted down by David Cameron (pictured) and promised to give up chocolate instead.

Pippa Middleton – Has promised her sister that she won’t try and outshine the birth of the royal baby by withdrawing her arse from all public engagements.

Colin Collymore – The Dodo Times’ sports writer has declared that he will himself be sportier. On the list of sports that he will take up are rhythmic badminton, drunken judo and the 110m hurdles.

Piers Morgan – Piers promised to stop being a complete and utter cunt, but failed his resolution mere seconds after the final chimes of Big Ben.

Michael Barrymore – The presenter of the ever-popular Strike it Lucky and Strike it Rich has promised to keep on top of cleaning his swimming pool.

Gail from Coronation Street – Has promised to use 2013 to grow a chin.

Edgar Chalmers – The Dodo Times’ paranoia writer will be making an effort to understand other cultures and to embrace new things, so long as they aren’t foreign.

Tom Baker - Has vowed to try and patch things up with his estranged body, with the hope that he can be more than a dis-embodied voice.

Lily Allen – Has vowed to record more shows on her ‘loverlly’ Sky Plus box. Hopefully with all that TV to watch, it will keep her out of the recording studio.

Brian Blessed – Brian will be striving to use his indoor voice.

Lydia Muff-Footle – The Dodo Times’ female correspondent has vowed to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, like Belgian chocs, store cards and killer heels. And has promised to have “fun fun fun!”and keep on showing the boys how it’s done.

Paul McCartney – See Piers Morgan.

And finally, John Littlejohn has vowed to bring back National Service...

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Four.

October

Woof woof!

October became Mufftober as every cretin with a pubic mound decided to wear novelty mirkins for a month to raise money and awareness of Pubapecia, a hereditary illness that causes one’s pubic hair to be caught in the fly of jeans and other zip-fronted apparel.

Also this month, North Korean high Emperor Kim Jong-Un became Mr. Gay UK



Movember

Richard Wilson was named ‘World’s Greatest Sceptic’ by a panel of noted Atheists, including The Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Atkinson, 70, Jenny Éclair, 61 and the one out of ‘Mythbusters’ who looks a little bit like Gary Glitter, you know the one, 53. When asked to comment on receiving this prestigious award, the 92 year old star of TV’s ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ said ‘I don’t believe it’ and refused to turn up to receive his award, which was to be presented by the lovely Rachael from Countdown, 32-24-34DD (phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof (pictured, phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof ).

Also this month, Paul McCartney took his amputation fetishism to its logical conclusion when he announced his engagement to a woman known simply as ‘The Human Torso’.



December

During his world famous Winterval address, Pope Nazinger revealed that Jimmy Savile was to be canonised as a saint noting that the tireless charity worker and child molester fit in well with the values of the Church.

Also this month, Nick Clegg incorrectly received a spine during a ministerial Secret Santa. Clegg was , however, reluctant to speak up when he realised the mistake had been made and Prime Minster David Cameron pointed out that there’s “probably some satire there”.

Also, the world didn’t end… or did it? (It didn’t… or did it?)
And finally… a satsuma was found that resembled an orange, pock marked bottom .

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part One.

Chavez: 'Sexy'.

2012 is coming to a close, but what a momentous year of fear it has been: the economy has continued to act like a brain-damaged step-son who, if we lock in the attic and ignore for long enough, will probably sort itself out; Leveson realised that the newspapers were acting like a bunch of twats (the Dodo Times was one of the very few publications praised for its moral integrity and commitment to truth) and it was revealed that every person who worked in the entertainment industry in the 1970’s was indeed, “probably”, a nonce.

And how about that weather? Tsk.

It’s now time to take a look back at one of the most eventful 2012s in history.

Happy new year, from Team The Dodo Times Team, GB.



January

2012 kicked off with the release of umpteen books relating to the Mayan end of the world theory, predicted to occur towards the end of the year. Henrietta Stevens, 34 year old mother of 2.4 from Surrey, later revealed that the whole theory was based upon an erroneous interpretation of a prediction she made when playing a gypsy fortune teller at the local village fete, in which she foretold that cloth-eared neighbour Mrs Mable Myanthorpe would “meet a tall, dark handsome stranger on her hols in Llandudno and come into a bit of cash.”

Also this month, the cruise ship Costa Concrapia was named World’s Largest Seafaring Piñata by the Special Brew Book of World Records.



February

This was the month that saw celebrity heathen Professor Richard Dawkin admit that he wasn’t really an atheist. He told one of our reporters over a romantic dinner that “after reading Hume I realised that religion and empiricism are both faith-based systems” adding later that “an agnostic stance won’t sell books”. He then impregnated our lady reporter and forced her to have an abortion, which he performed using a coat hanger and hot bath.

Also this month, Silvio Berlisconni was found impaled on a 36 inch rubber phallus after he was “reattaching a curtain pole” and he “fell off a ladder”, where his trousers “wrapped around a hook and ripped” before falling onto a “piece of modern art”. When questioned, he could not explain why the dildo was slathered in lubrication jelly.



March

This was the month that saw the start of the British Comedy Crisis, when it was revealed that the world’s observation reserves had been over-mined by unimaginative comedians. Comedians Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye have been accused of being ‘observation hogs’. It is now impossible for a comedian to make a joke about airline peanuts, awkward social situations, or stuff from the 80s without drawing a blank. On numerous occasions, Billy Connelly found himself uttering the phrase “why do people do that?” before realising that he hadn’t been able to draw on a humorous yet revealing observation about everyday life. Even Jim Davidson has been affected, with his observations about Black people and homosexuals coming to an abrupt halt before he had chance to cause offence.

Also this month celebrity Scientographer Tom Cruise(pictured) was declared the “most beautiful of American pig dog imperialists” by Hugo Chavez.

Wanking crisis 'set to explode'.

by John Littlejohn

The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal that the Wank Bank crisis has come to a head this week as the IMF (International Masturbation Fodder) has warned of a serious wankonomic crisis the likes of which the world has yet to see.

According to Professor Pauline Cox, the issue is a complex one, telling our on of our reporters that “it’s actually quite a complex issue”, adding that it was due to a combination of factors, saying “it’s due to a combination of disparate factors.” When pushed for a firm response, we were told in no uncertain terms to please leave here property, because it was seven o’clock in the morning, saying “please leave my property, it’s seven o’clock in the fucking morning,”

Dodo scientographers believe that if the base wankery levels don’t improve by the middle of next year, this could lead to a blockage in the Wank Bank, which will be followed by an enormous surge which will leave most major cities in Britain and America to be coated in a Wank Bank meltdown that could surpass even Bukkake Wednesday for the mess it will make.

The problem has been blamed on a lack of reinvestment, and on a constant recycling of old favourites; but with Gillian Anderson resembling a hagraven, Angelina Jolie (pictured) looking like a skeleton with a funny mouth plastered on. And Pamela Anderson looking like a garish clown, their allure has been replaced by universal revulsion.

A spokesman from the British Nation Party was quick to blame foreigners for clogging up the internet with German transvestite rubber fetishists, Brazilian fart lovers and Japanese sea monsters taking a brunt of the blame. The spokesman argued that “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup to have some fat German bloke shake his junk and ruin an hour of solid, ahem, research. We want British wanks for British people.”

The G20 are painstakingly working on a bailout package to provide a needed stimulus for millions of bored and lonely men. The idea has been described by Nick Clegg as “about as good as a wet fart”. A recent hack by the Dodo Times of Mr Clegg’s hard-drive can reveal that this is most likely a good thing. It is hoped that these measures will help to relieve the tension.

Leveson: The Dodo's eye

by John Littlejohn

After the disgusting onslaught of Lord Leveson's (pictured) inquiry, we at the Dodo Times take a firm stance against any press regulation. If a journalist wishes to fish through people’s draws or spy on dead girls’ phones, who are we to judge? Who are we not to publish such stories? It’s political correctness gone completely bonkers, and I for one am disgusted that the left-wing loony liberals at the BBC are in favour of Leveson’s recommendations.

The headline recommendations are all well and good, but the devil is in the detail. Here are some measures that these do-gooders want to bring into law:

1) All tabloid newspapers must now be kept behind newsagent’s counters with plain white covers and no headlines
2) MPs must declare each newspaper article that read or are made aware of through conversations with friends, family, colleagues, shopkeepers, taxi drivers and strangers. The declarations must be written up and signed by the MP in question, and published on their ministerial blog.
3) Stories will only be considered in the public interest if the person, group or company that is the subject of the story agrees.
4) Undercover journalists will now be required to be tattooed with a large “J” on their forehead.
5) Murdoch must be set on fire, along with his wife, son and country of birth.

It’s an absolute disgrace.

Stevie Wonder appointed leader of the BNP.

by Edgar Chalmers

In a bizarre turn of events, musician Stevie Wonder (pictured) has been appointed the Grand Imperial Wizard of the far-right political party, the British National Party. The soul legend has taken up the post because he doesn’t trust black people. In a statement to The Dodo Times, he said: ‘As a white man living in Britain, I find myself uncomfortable with the amount of blacks over here. I just want to go about my daily life as best as I can without having to fear for my life when I visit certain boroughs. Enoch Powell certainly had the right idea, and I intend to bring those ideas into play and usher in a new era of “White Britain”.’

We managed to get a few words with the visually impaired singer's PA who explained his political leanings: ‘Yes, we know that he’s a black manl; but he doesn’t. And after all these years of being his assistant, I’m scared that it might get a bit awkward if I told him’.

This reporter is confused by this latest news: how could he not know? I mean, who ever heard of a white man with both soul and rhythm? I blame the loony-left PC brigade... and Europe.

'Schofield's Law': Government unveil new anti-nonce legislation.

by Edgar Chalmers

Home Secretary Theresa May has passed a new law that clearly states that ‘there’s no smoke without fire’.

The interpretation of what has been dubbed as “Schofield’s Law” after celebrity nonce-hunter Philip Schofield (pictured), suggests that the police have new powers to arrest someone they suspect of being a bit noncey. The legislation will also bring into law the long-awaited ‘trial by Twitter’ which will be phased in to replace Judges and Juries; and from next Thursday any innuendo made in the tabloid press can now be used as evidence in a Court of Law.

Schofield, 50, of Henley-on-Thames is delighted with the announcement: “Speaking as a father, it’s about time that we did something about the paedo problem in this country - the government are too soft on nonces and we need to get them before they nonce one of our children up. I call on the people of this country to stop anyone who looks like a nonce, spends more than five minutes near a school, or has ever watched a children’s football match.”

Anthony Horowitz, author and patron of children’s charity, Kidscape is behind the new law. “Finally, someone is thinking of children, but not in THAT way”.

Shadow Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper, is opposed to this legislation. “I think this is all a wonderful idea and can see absolutely no problem with it, but as Shadow Home Secretary I am naturally opposed to it.”

Meanwhile, May has also announced that as a child protection measure, all voters in polling stations at schools must be CRB checked.

Britain ‘rampant with paedos’ alleges Schofield.

by John Littlejohn,

A shocking report conducted by the Schofield Trust has concluded that there are now more paedophiles in Britain than there are children.

With nonce-hunting season well under way, the Schofield report has listed the names of over 30 million UK residents (gathered by using Google and Twitter) alleging them to have been paedophiles at some point during their lives. The list, which includes the names of high-profile MPs, head teachers, police officers, three X Factor Judges, everyone at the BBC, and the banks, has been described by Prime Minister David Cameron (pictured) as ‘extensive reading’.

What is most shocking is that many of the alleged fiddlers are under the age of 16. The term ‘mutual grooming’ has been used to describe paedophile teenagers who lure each other into engaging in relationships, often with children of their own age. Abusive acts including holding hands and snogging have been alleged to occur in schools up and down the country, with the Schofield report to concluding that the British education system has harboured countless criminals and has been complacent in the reporting of such offences. The report also blames social media, the internet, and new digital technology for the increase in inter-child grooming.

The Schofield report calls for the resignation of everybody implicated within its pages, as well as everyone involved in its production. Prime Minister David Cameron welcomes the move, but urges caution ‘lest it been seen as a witch hunt’ – no witches have yet been implicated.