Eurovision Vision

Lydia Muff-Footle

Roll out the red carpet and pop open the Bolly’ guys, it’s Eurovision time! Each year we Brits love to gather round the TV to take part in this national event.

Watching on 52” flat screens specially hire-purchased for the event from Bright House thousands will be asking those same old questions: Will the Australians pull off another feat of Gregorian chanting? Will the Indians do any of that charming dancing they do in their films? Will the Egyptians be walking like Egyptians yet again? And the Canadians.

However you watch it and whoever you’re rooting for don’t forget me, reader, because I’ve got a little surprise: I’ll be commentating on the whole night, live!* Screw you Norton, who’s Chat Queen now?

So bring on the booze, pop open the Twiglets and get ready to listen, laugh and post god awful boring Eurovision Tweets whilst I amuse you with my sparkling wit and teasing banter.
*On the red button, channel 819, LifestyleQuatreVous

'My baby is better than Prince Baby George' claims peasant mother

By Lydia Muff-Footle

Proud - Wills and Kates with their new heir, yesterday

 

Did you know that a baby was born on the same day as wickle Prince George? This lady reporter was shocked to discover that whilst the rest of us loyal subjects were curtsying to our future King (God save his pwecious wee toesie wosies) a woman in Walsall had the cheek to go into labour and give birth to a baby boy of her own.

Who does she think she is?

When asked what she was thinking, trying to steal the glory of the Duchess (swoon!) pauper Miss Sarah Winkle (um, unmarried mother alert!) said: “It just happened. He was due in two weeks but babies come when they come, don’t they?”

Calling her at midnight at Walsall Royal Infirmary I was able to grill the mum-of-one-traitor. The most obvious question was if she had to say which baby she loved more would it be hers or our future King? To my horror she actually laughed and said of course it would be her own new born son. Now as a mother I’d be the first to say my son means the world to me, but loyalty to the crown comes first. This Wallsallian bint is slandering the rulers of our fair land having given birth in the Walsall Royal Infirmary. Cheeky cow.

Well I bet she’ll look a mess when she leaves the maternity ward, or whatever they have on the NHS these days. Kate looked fabulous, as you’d expect from someone who’s just birthed a tiny wee king. Aww, she looked just like Will’s mum when she left hospital with him, he must have been so proud.

It was just like when Jesus was born but with a cool yummy-mummy instead of a dowdy old virgin.

God bless us all.

Plebs

An Opera singer, yesterday

By Lydia Muff-Footle 

Last Thursday I attended the opera, not an unusual occurrence but one that on this occasion was severely marred by new comers who simply did not know the Rules. My god, it was appalling; at one point the performance was RUINED by a bunch of upstart ‘culture’ bloggers, amateur writers and other riff raff who actually gave a smattering of applause at the wrong point in the performance. It’s BETWEEN THE ACTS morons, not at a scene change. 

Jesus Christ.

Regular readers will know that I’m a non-judgemental, calm, balanced woman who doesn’t force her opinions down other people’s throats, but when I read this article by one of the aforementioned bloggers, I simply had to speak up against the clueless twat. No offense hun. 

When I first met my darling Benjamin he took me to the opera for the first time. Now I could have gone, been myself, relaxed and enjoyed it as a beautiful and special experience but frankly I have more sense. There are Rules to follow and I made sure I Googled the hell out of them before I went. That’s the difference between being bought up and being dragged up isn’t it? Some of us have the decency to blend in with the crowd and accept that we are humble in the face of the unwritten Rules of such events and others just ‘go with it’ and ‘be themselves’, like that’s something to be proud of. It was no fun for me running up massive credit card bills to buy the correct dress and shoes for the occasion, or spending three sleepless nights frantically learning the difference between bel canto and verismo, and memorising the complete English translation of Pagliacci. I did it anyway because I didn’t want to embarrass anyone and be laughed at by the people who matter. Why should these new opera goers get off any more lightly, in their unfashionable jeans and threadbare t-shirts, all agog at the beauty of the piece. 

Bloody plebeians.

The Lady Dodo: #Trending, 2013.

by Lydia Muff-Footle,

Don’t waste your time thinking for yourself this year with our handy pull-out guide to what’s gonna be trending in 2013.

Food – Scratchings are in, guys and gals. Whether it’s starling, horse or kangaroo scratchings, or even latest trend - beaver scratching... they’re *DAM* (geddit? Beavers build dams!) tasty!

Drink – Sherry is making a comeback so don’t be surprised to see people ordering a double Sherry shooter in the trendiest of trendy nightspots in the capital such as ‘The Red Lion’ and ‘The Bulls Head’. ‘Sherry Bombs’ (a measure of Sherry in a pint of Bombardier bitter - lush) have been seen in the trembling hands of Pam St. Clement, Dane Bowers and Trevor of ‘Trev and Simon’ fame but not Simon of ‘Trev and Simon’ fame.

Fitness - After binging and purging on all that great food and drink, it’s time to get rid of those spare tyres because you don’t deserve to feel good about yourself unless you’re thin - you horrendous, decomposing, bloated, beached Sea Cow with stretch marks who won’t bag a man. 2013 will see the rise of new ‘ercises’ and ‘umbas’ such as Hermit-Crabercise where you can live your regular busy life (chocolate and going on dates, eh girls?) by walking round with a 17 stone shell on your back that only allows you to move sideways. Just watch those pounds fly off! It also doubles as a portable home office and nursery for the busy working mum. Also Fadumba – some faddy dance exercise crap.

Health and Wellbeing - Top of the new cutting edge diets in 2013 is the Monkey Sea Monkey Doo-Doo Diet, where the bulk of meals are made of ground up sea monkeys and primate poo poo. Check out www.monkeyseamonkeydoodoodietformyfatbelly.com for great recipes and tips.

Books - Historical S&M vampyre code breaking thriller “The Vatican Vampyre Code” is the new novel set for release in February 2013. This is based on the true story of a hunky time travelling curator and biblical scholar who uncovers the erotic secrets of the Vatican’s vampyre and S&M past. Phwoar! And at 400 pages and 300 chapters, it’ll make you feel dead clever for reading such a big book. We don’t need literary critics to tell us that you need good quality writing, a coherent plot and believable characters to make a sizzling read, do we girls?

Fashion - Trending in fashion in the new season is the early 1990’s TV detective look. Lovejoy and Bergerac set the trend with casual leather bomber jackets and stonewashed supermarket denim hitting the high street in early 2013. Die hard fashonistas should accessorise with paralysis and a wheelchair for the full Ironside look. Add a pair of cute kitten heels for a night on the town antiquing with the ambassador of sex and mullets, Ian McShane. Swoon!

Values - Existential nausea, nihilism and the increasing fear that one is staring into the infinite void of despair and hopelessness are the buzz words of the New Year. There’s never been a better time to bury yourself in mid twentieth century French philosophy, Alan Ginsberg, the colour pink and heroin, and look great doing it in a pair of cute kitten heels.

Technology - Apple will be launching the iPooed, a fascinating new device measuring only 3 x 3 inches to be worn internally that will finally tell us how long we spend pooing in an average lifetime. We didn’t know we needed it but we do, and soon we won’t be able to live without it. Available in white, pink, lime green and brown.

In the Bedroom - In 2013, you will be able to spice up your love life with a sexsay ‘Tar and Feather kit’ (£39.99 from your local Ann Summers shop). With one of these kits you can be the eiderdown of his dreams or turn your man into one helluva gorgeous love cushion – just bring me one of these kits and Richard Madeley (pictured), eh girls!? Combine these with the latest ‘Rubber Love Toads’ (£1.99 from JML catalogues) for a ribbetting good time...

Travel – Yates’s in Leicester is the place to be, as the great and the good will be seen here knocking back Sherry-Bombs and chomping on some crusty Beaver-Bits. If you want to join the jet-set, new towns are big news. Forget your walled cities and your outdated “culture”, you should head down to the holy trinity of Telford, Milton-Keynes and Stevenage, and sample the delights of three different Primarks, a plethora of pound shops and lashings of sweet, sweet Wetherspoon’s scratching platters and half gallon pitchers of Sherry Bombs to share... or not, eh girls!?

2013 looks set to be another rollercoaster of a year... see you in Yates’s girls!

The Lady Dodo: The TRUE meaning of Christmas

by Lydia Muff-Footle, Female Correspondent

We hear a great deal about the true meaning of Christmas these days; how it's about spending quality time with loved ones, taking time out, spreading good cheer. But what, actually, is it all about? Let me tell you a story, a Christmas parable.

In the early Noughties a certain vivacious young journalism student was having the time of her life at prestigious De Montfort University. She was effortlessly popular, far more intelligent than could be measured by an outmoded and unfair university grading system, smooth skinned, glossy haired and, reader, she was madly in love - his name was Christian. This graceful girl had met her match in a passionate art student who, in his scruffy, paint-covered jeans and tight t-shirt used to drive her wild. He didn't have much, but he loved her and she loved him.

One Christmas during their second year the art student declared he was going to take her on a special Christmas date before they went home for the holidays. He borrowed a friend's battered old car, picked her up and drove to the middle of the snowy English countryside. She watched in amazement as he unpacked thick blankets, food, drink, a tent and a camp stove. "I can't afford shining jewels or fancy perfume, so for Christmas I want to give you a romantic night alone together in the snow." That budding young journalist was me. How did I react to this unusual gift? Well you know me reader, even at that tender young age I was blessed with a greater understanding than most.

I dumped him.

I was shocked, no, disgusted, that this man who I had been so attached to honestly believed that a cold tent in the snow was an adequate replacement for a normal gift. How dare he devalue me in such a way? I was horrified that my own boyfriend couldn't be bothered to get the cash together to get me jewellery for Christmas, or even designer clothes. Rather than put in a measly extra 25 hours a week in on his minimum wage bar job to get me something nice, he thought this would fool me into thinking we had a future together. A romantic night alone under the stars with home cooked food? Yeah, great, but I can't show it off to my girl friends can I? I even pointed out that all that fattening food he was preparing would go straight to my hips but he laughed and said I didn't need to worry about my figure and that I'd still be beautiful if I was bigger. Thoughtless git. I was heartbroken that Christmas, knowing I was going home with nothing to show for my year long romance, whilst my old school friends would be flashing around the diamond rings and designer handbags that their hard working boyfriends had purchased effortlessly thanks to their well paid banking jobs.

That weekend when I got home I sobbed the whole story out to my mum and big sis. They were so supportive, in the way that only women can be. My sister was on the phone almost immediately, getting in touch with a friend of a friend with an older brother who was loaded and looking for some Christmas companionship. That's how a met Benjamin. On our second date, on Christmas Eve, he took me out to dinner and gave me the best present of all; a Tiffany's chain and diamond pendant that I still treasure to this day as the first of many adequate and normal gifts from my husband.

That, my dear reader, that is true Christmas spirit. It's a time for the boys to give and girls to get. Am I right ladies? So listen up boys, if you want some Christmas loving this year make sure you're willing to pay the price.

The Lady Dodo: Goss, goss, goss!!!

Lydia Muff-Footle has had her minions scouring the celebrity scene to give you the latest goss.

What's Hot

Peephole Onesies - Easy access for fleecy frolics.
Tony Blackburn - This hot up and coming new DJ known for frequenting the hottest urban nightspots will be rocking your winter so keep it tuned to radio 2!
Carbon - Move over Lead - Carbon is THE new element to be seen with according to celebrity stalkers.

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What's Not?

Oxygen - Yeah, we know we totally need you to live but like stop going on about it...
The internet - Don't tell US what to think...
Parrots - Who DO they think they are?

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Fashion

Charcoal is the new ebony
Asparagus Green is the new Apple Green
Crimson Red is the new Ruby Red

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Celeb Rumours

Out of the jungle and into the off licence?
We spotted Brian Conley walking out of his local Threshers with a bottle of Jacob's Creek - Didn't take you long to get back into the habit, did it Brian?
Fat or Pregnant? You decide.
We've noticed that Breaking Dawn star Ashley Tisdale has a bit of a bulge going on - winter blubber, illegitimate baby or both?
DLTV?
With recent appearances on TV's 'The News', we have it on good authority that Radio Star Dave Lee Travis (pictured) is finally about to launch his TV career.
All of us at The Lady Dodo wish him luck, but hello? Lose the beard!

The Lady Dodo: Save Our Suffering Giants.

by Lydia Muff-Footle, Female Correspondent

Once again, the British Public are reeling from shock as the Big Four supermarkets announce decreased Christmas spending among consumers. Mid-year 2012, Tesco experienced its first fall in profits since 1994. At just £1.7 billion by August it's going to be a cold Christmas for Tesco this year.

Who is to blame for this degrading poverty? You, dear reader, you! Personally, I buy all of my shopping through Ocado, so it's nothing to do with me, but the average shopper has been spending less and less this year. As Joanne Public tightens her belt in the face of the recession, our faithful supermarkets are missing out.

For some unfathomable reason, people have begun to think they can define themselves through their beliefs, interests, relationships and values, not their weekly shop. Simplifying, homemade, paying-off debt, saving up - where did people pick up these silly, outmoded ideas? Whatever happened to good old 'I shop, therefore I am'?

I know that you, reader, may be struggling in this harsh financial climate. We all are. Just last week I had to say no to my little son when he asked for a new DS game, because I just didn't have the money, having spent it on a new DS and eight games. Of course, I'm not a monster, and I did buy my beaming little four year old the game yesterday as a reward for eating all his dinner, but the point is that I understand that we all must make sacrifices to get by. We're all struggling on.

But is that any excuse to abandon the supermarkets, those benevolent giants, in their time of need? I think not. So come on girls, let's save our supermarkets, crack out those trusty credit cards and get spending!

I'm going to do my bit; will you do yours?