Celebs set for new jungle challenge

by Robert Kilgore Trout

The Dodo Times has learned that ITV1 hit show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Here will be filmed in Calais from next year.

The show, which gained popularity by degrading and humiliating scores of hapless B-list celebs, will see 16 vaguely famous contestants endure the hardship of the Jungle for six weeks in an effort to raise their profile.

Throughout the process, the desperate attention-cravers will take on a series of challenges which include: the catching, skinning and eating of rats, cats, dogs and refugees; negotiating for their lives and internal organs with Syrian gangsters; and to try and board the underside of a truck without falling to their deaths or dying from exposure.

Ant and/or Dec, yesterday

A number Heat-seekers have already expressed an interest in taking part, including: that one off of Gogglebox; the guy who did that beard growing video on YouTube; and UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Vanessa Feltz's bloke Big Ben said the show looks to be a 'rip-roaring, laugh-a-minute, hilarity-fest'.

He said: "I'm throwing my hat into the ring, again. I'm hoping this time they take me on.

"I've been in Look, Now, Heat - I was on Pointless Celebrities and I did that song. You know? That song: 'Hey, what's wrong with you-oo-oo?' That was me."

Ubiquitous ITV staples Ant and/or Dec have confirmed they will be presenting and executive producing the show.

In an intercepted phone message to the other one, Ant and/or Dec said: "Oh no, PJ's blind! Remember that? Remember Ready to Rumble? Oh, why aye, that was good that was."

It is predicted that on Ant and/or Dec will emerge from the process with their dignities intact.

Follow: @TheDodoTimes.

Preview – Mock The Afflicted set to take the world of trashy Channel 4 docu-ality by storm

Hag: The meddlesome Mary Porter, yesterday

This week The Dodo was given an exclusive preview of Channel Four’s new 53 part weekly guilt fix ‘Mock The Afflicted’ . Set to take the established format of freak pointing reality TV to a whole new level, the programme will examine the harsh realities in the lives of a different disadvantaged person each week.

From single mothers of five on benefits, to paraplegic war veterans and a woman with a spacky face, ‘Mock The Afflicted’ will examine their lives in a disrespectful amount of detail under a veneer of sensitivity, so we don’t feel bad about it.

At the end of each episode experts such as Jenny Éclair (of ‘Top 50 Things From 1980’ and ‘Top 50 Things From 1981’ etc. fame) and Channel 4’s resident meddling harridan, Mary Porter will tell them how to sort their sad little lives out; with hilarious and tragic consequences!

The series, sponsored by Cash Converters aims to draw attention to the struggles of those on the margins of society and in doing so make us all feel better about ourselves. Spending the day working in a PPI call centre won’t seem half so bad when compared to a man who wets himself a lot trying to hold down a badly paid job, bless.

From the makers of ‘The Priapism Diaries’ and ‘Disableds; Sort Yourselves Out!’ and narrated by Michael McIntyre, who is sure to provide giggles and guffaws galore, this social investigation will touch the inner child of all who watch it, but not in that way.

Next week's TV highlights.

I Love Paul McCartney

Twelve-part series about the man who invented Western music: Sir Paul McCartney. Written, produced, directed by and starring the chirpy egomaniac.

BBC4 9pm, Saturdays

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Holmes Under the Hammer

- Eamonn Holmes receives a brutal beating in front of a live studio audience.

BBC1, weekdays, 11am

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Kick it to the Max

Twelve celebs compete in a series of dangerous and humiliating challenges, with the lucky winner being granted the opportunity to go around to Max Clifford’s house and kick him in the onion sack - expect explosive results.

ITV2, Thursday, 7pm

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Johnny Cash in the Attic

The rotting remains of the pickled, ostrich punching country singer are sold at auction to pay for a day at Chessington World of Adventures for the grandkids.

BBC1, Tuesday, 12pm

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Delia or no Delia

Everybody’s favourite ‘what’s in the box’ show in which 22 celebrity chefs are stuffed into a series of numbered boxes. Will the winner get to take home Delia Smith as their personal cook for a year, or will it be a steal with Anthony Worrall Thompson?

Channel 4, Weekdays, 4pm

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Ricky Gervais Meets... His maker

The tubby, posh 'funny-man'(pictured) laughs uproariously in the face of God as he sycophantically tries to put himself over as a peer to the man upstairs. Expect awkwardness with hilarious and ultimately damning consequences.

Friday Channel 4, 10pm

Celebrity ‘Who the Fuck do you Think you Are, Pal?’

Celebs go into a pub in Newcastle-upon-Tyne and spill someone’s pint, with hilarious and tragic consequences.

ITV, Thursday, 9pm

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Bring Back... Justin Lee Collins

The beardy, girlfriend-beating twat takes a humourous and nostalgic walk down the memory lane of his battered career with hilarious and tragic consequences.

E4, Friday 11pm

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Archive on 4 – All Innocent Fun

A look back at some of the finest gropes, smuttiest grins and sauciest comments to underage girls in history of the BBC. Featuring Jimmy Savile, Rod Hull and Anthea Turner.

BBC4, Sunday, 9pm