Breaking News: Football match goes off without any fuss.

by Colin Collymore, Sportsdesk

In a bizarre turn of events, the recent football match between Chelsea Rovers FC and Preston United, which finished 2-1 to the home team, was completely free of any controversy.

Chelsea scored two goals before the interval then Preston scored one soon after the half-time brandy break.

Preston United’s managing supervisor, Neil O’Neill (pictured) was quick to comment after the game: “Yeah, it was okay. Both sets of players put on an adequate performance and the referee was certainly at the match too”.

Rovers’ Chief Whip, David Blackpool was also in a hurry to speak at the microphone: “Both sets of players put on a football match; the fans were in attendance and the referee too”.

However, not everyone is as content as the two in charge of their respective clubs.

We caught up with the head of the Chelsea Rovers Association of Supporters after the match, Peter Fathead, who spewed these words of wisdom whilst eating a Pukka Pie which was the flavour of eloquence and Chicken Tikka: “we supporters pay good money to see these football matches; I am appalled at the lack of crunching tackles or even the occasional little dive, so much so that I had to start our supporters singing about Johnny Foreigner. It’s a disgrace and they need to sort it out, I bought a new pair of Opera Glasses for these footer matches, I want to see more” added the jolly cockney porker before retreating back to his swanky Fulham apartment.

FA warns Israel: 'leave Gazza alone'

by Colin Collymore, Sportsdesk

The Football Association have contacted Israel on behalf of former Footballer, ‘Paul’ Gazza Gascoigne (pictured) to inform them that they must desist in their attempts to annexe and build illegal settlements on the bloated stomach of the on-again-off-again booze-hound.

The FA warn that unless they cease in their attempts, then they will face sanctions from FIFA and UEFA.

A worried Gazza slurred to us that he’s not equipped to handle a full scale military attack from the Semitic state. ‘I canna’ handle the pressure man, all I’ve got is this fishing rod and a bucket of fried chicken’ said the Geordie footballing ace.

Tubby friend of Paul Gazza, Jimmy ‘five-bellies’ Gardner is increasingly concerned for his friend, as noticed at recent press conference: ‘They should just leave him alone, he’s done nowt to them so why do they care about him? “Gazza is just Gazza, he doesn’t have enemies, he’s everyone’s mate’.

Israel have so far been unavailable for comment.

Footballer Steven Gerard unable to answer simple question.

by Colin Collymore, Sportsdesk

A top footballer has been asked the question ‘Who are ya?’ by crowds on many occasions without ever answering. When asked about this, the player in question just mumbled something about the teama nd blurted out “110%” before driving away in his tinted-windowed penis-shaped car.

The player in question who has become known as Stevie G. by his followers seems to have simply forgotten his real name.

After his performance in the matinee showing of Liverpool Vs. Southampton, The Dodo Times approached Mr. Gerard (pictured) and asked him outright: “Who are ya?”. He had a long and gormless think about the question before replying that he’s “just a small part of the team, the lads did great and that now we can really kick on and head up the table”.

We were approached by one young fan who showed us the classic Panini football sticker depicting Mr. Gerard elbowing a DJ in the face; where one would normally find the name of the footballer depicted, instead we find just a big shaky cross. The pride in the boy’s face was palpable as he added that when he grows up he wants to be just like that person, whatever his name may be.

The future is not looking too bright, but it’s certainly much brighter than Stevie G.