Harrogate set to be repatriated as Cheshire suburb

Betty - worrying times?

By Edgar Chalmers

Following a hard fought referendum, the people of Harrogate have voted overwhelmingly to return the town back to its Cheshire roots.

Along with its well-to-do residents, the town will be moved brick-by-brick next to Knutsford, just south of Alderley Edge and Wilmslow, and will form one quarter of what will be known as ‘The Aga Quadrangle’.

Rosemary Merchant-Ivory, leader of the ‘Yes to Chesh(ire)’ campaign is overjoyed with the victory and had these words to say on behalf of her minions: ‘We are delighted to be getting out of Yorkshire as it’s awfully cold and my Begonias are simply not happy “up north”. This is a victory of true aspiration and a victory for my Begonias’.

The news will bring about significant change for Yorkshire staple, Betty’s Tearoom. Betty (pictured) is understandably concerned as they are unsure as to the fate of Yorkshire Tea. ‘People drink Yorkshire Tea because it’s a quaint northern cuppa. We don’t know if they will be willing to queue for hours at a time for an expensive dry sandwich and a small cake if it’s not got the imagery of rolling green hills, brass bands and all the other patronising clichés. Cheshire Tea? Not in my lifetime.’ said Betty, the matriarch of the famed, over-crowded tearoom.

We understand that both Norwich and Ipswich are interested in taking over the land that will be vacated by the move. Norwich are desperate for the move to shake off the cursed image of Steve Coogan (played by Alan Partridge) while Ipswich are interested in taking over because Norwich are interested. Bidding for the land is set to run deep into 2015 and could trigger an increase in polite indifference from the rival conurbations.

It has been confirmed that North Yorkshire Council are inviting expressions of interest from quaint foreign towns just as long as they’re not too foreign.

Fake news in decline, real news blamed

The Imperial Palace, Brighton - Yesterday

Satirical news websites are struggling to make ends meet because so-called real news is becoming increasingly hilarious.

Spoof news websites The Dodo Times and The Onion are having trouble coming up with fresh ‘news’ in the face of a torrent of ridiculous and outlandish stories published by the self-styled ‘legitimate’ press.

News stories such as the Justin Bieber monkey saga, the EDL’s architectural gaffe, and the news that Liverpool FC striker Luis Suarez being cast as ‘Blackula’ has left spoof news editors worldwide to shaking their collective noggins in disbelief.

Vidalia Onion, Assistant Regional Developmental Operative of satirical news agency, The Onion, said: “How are we meant to compete with this bullshit? We spend hours trying to come with the funniest spoof news stories. We turn on the TV and some senator has posted a picture of his cock on Twitter – and his name is actually Weiner. Just how are we supposed to compete with that?”

Jimmy LeVell-Barlow-Hall the bawdy former Director General of the sex monster sanctuary known colloquially as the BBC, said: “legitimate news agencies cannot be blamed for the 14.2% net increase in daftness and a whopping 71% rise in general buffoonery.”

Celebrity anti-free speech advocate, Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) said: “I think that it was Samuel Taylor Coleridge what said: ‘if you daub a Swastika on your bum with in the presence of twenty four prostitutes and school children in the middle of Trafalgar Square, that’s your private business.’ I don’t see why Ant and/or Dec should become press fodder for these activities, don’t they have the same rights as Joe Schmo?”

A spokeslady from the spoof journalists’ union, the NUSJ, said: “we are doing everything that we can for our members during these testing times but when Ant and/or Dec continue with their bizarre sex games, what can you do?”