FA warns Israel: 'leave Gazza alone'

by Colin Collymore, Sportsdesk

The Football Association have contacted Israel on behalf of former Footballer, ‘Paul’ Gazza Gascoigne (pictured) to inform them that they must desist in their attempts to annexe and build illegal settlements on the bloated stomach of the on-again-off-again booze-hound.

The FA warn that unless they cease in their attempts, then they will face sanctions from FIFA and UEFA.

A worried Gazza slurred to us that he’s not equipped to handle a full scale military attack from the Semitic state. ‘I canna’ handle the pressure man, all I’ve got is this fishing rod and a bucket of fried chicken’ said the Geordie footballing ace.

Tubby friend of Paul Gazza, Jimmy ‘five-bellies’ Gardner is increasingly concerned for his friend, as noticed at recent press conference: ‘They should just leave him alone, he’s done nowt to them so why do they care about him? “Gazza is just Gazza, he doesn’t have enemies, he’s everyone’s mate’.

Israel have so far been unavailable for comment.

Israel vs. Palestine: 'It's on!'

by John Littlejohn

After an emergency summit meeting at the UN, UN General Secretary Ban-Ki Moon has announced that the ongoing conflict in the Middle East between Palestine United and Israel City is soon to be resolved - forever and ever, amen.

The agreement, overseen by UN Peace Ambassador, the self-styled ‘helping hand in the Holy Land’ Don King, has been made as such that the only way for City and United to resolve their differences is live on Pay-Per-View, in an event called ‘Getting Gruesome in Jerusalem’.

The fight is set to be a no-holds-barred cage fight which can only be won by knock out, submission or an admission that they were wrong all along and agree to move out as soon as they can get a deposit together and find someone to give them a lift with their stuff. The rules are simple: two fighters enter, two men come out (though one will have lost the fight at that point).

The fight will be held at the famous Thunderdome located in the heart of beautiful down-town Jerusalem in the shadow of Mount Sinai (pictured), and the loser of the fight will have to move out of the area along with the rest of his team and vow never to return.

The fighters have been chosen at random by the UN, and have been declared ‘fair choices’ by President Glorm of Wolf 369 and surrounding planetary systems. Representing Israel City will be Jacob Adler, 29: a highly-decorated member of Mossad, who is famed for his power and testicular fortitude. Palestine United will be represented by Mohammed Ali, 59: a disabled ornithologist formerly employed by the Gaza University as a toilet cleaner.

Adler was seen to be quietly confident at today’s weigh-ins. Ali was quoted as saying: ‘I float like a butterfly and sting like a BQM-155 Hunter missile’. Ali is currently the odds-on favourite to win, though a suspicious package strapped to the bottom of his car may change that.