Piggate: Family comes out in defence of David Cameron

by John Littlejohn,

David Cameron, today

The family of the dead pig whose face was prodded by David Cameron’s man-sausage* has come out in the Prime Minister’s defence.

The relatives of Sir Trufflesnout said that having his dead face humped by a future Prime Minister was “what he would have wanted.”

A family spokesman said the Trufflesnouts have been “driven rind the bend by reporters,” adding that the allegations “are sow two-thousand-and-late.”

Mr Cameron made his "Bill Clinton" statement during a family outing to Hampshire.

Mr Cameron said: “Today has been the wurst day of my life, but I hope these words will help to save my bacon because when I first heard about this, I thought it was a rib.

“When I saw pulled pork was on the menu I thought it would be a nice Chorizo I can only apologise for being such a jerky," he said.

“I ham truly sorry.”



*allegedly.

Ant and Dec 'caught in bizarre sex act'

by John Littlejohn,

Cheeky chappy TV duo Anthony McFarland and Declan Donnelly, affectionately known by their adoring fans as cheeky chappy TV duo Ant and Dec (pictured), have been caught engaging in bizarre sex games by one of our Dodo celebrity news stalkers.

The act, which is too heinous to describe, involved Anthony and Declan standing atop of a high platform and defecating heavily onto a giant sign emblazoned with the words ‘The British Public’. They were seen laughing hysterically whilst engaging in the ploperfic act, with one witness describing both the act and the resultant defecation as ‘really quite nutty’.

After completing this scatological act, both men were seen running away from the scene giggling like perverts and carrying big handfuls of cash. Declan was seen asking an 87 year old woman how old she was, and then congratulating her on being that old; Anthony quickly pulled him away exclaimed ‘not now’.

When quizzed, Anthony said ‘this is just a smear campaign; we’ve been shitting on the British Public for years and walking away with handfuls of cash - I don’t know what the problem is.’

It has also been rumoured that three ITV executives, two high-ranking members of the Conservative party and Piers Morgan were also involved.

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part One.

Chavez: 'Sexy'.

2012 is coming to a close, but what a momentous year of fear it has been: the economy has continued to act like a brain-damaged step-son who, if we lock in the attic and ignore for long enough, will probably sort itself out; Leveson realised that the newspapers were acting like a bunch of twats (the Dodo Times was one of the very few publications praised for its moral integrity and commitment to truth) and it was revealed that every person who worked in the entertainment industry in the 1970’s was indeed, “probably”, a nonce.

And how about that weather? Tsk.

It’s now time to take a look back at one of the most eventful 2012s in history.

Happy new year, from Team The Dodo Times Team, GB.



January

2012 kicked off with the release of umpteen books relating to the Mayan end of the world theory, predicted to occur towards the end of the year. Henrietta Stevens, 34 year old mother of 2.4 from Surrey, later revealed that the whole theory was based upon an erroneous interpretation of a prediction she made when playing a gypsy fortune teller at the local village fete, in which she foretold that cloth-eared neighbour Mrs Mable Myanthorpe would “meet a tall, dark handsome stranger on her hols in Llandudno and come into a bit of cash.”

Also this month, the cruise ship Costa Concrapia was named World’s Largest Seafaring Piñata by the Special Brew Book of World Records.



February

This was the month that saw celebrity heathen Professor Richard Dawkin admit that he wasn’t really an atheist. He told one of our reporters over a romantic dinner that “after reading Hume I realised that religion and empiricism are both faith-based systems” adding later that “an agnostic stance won’t sell books”. He then impregnated our lady reporter and forced her to have an abortion, which he performed using a coat hanger and hot bath.

Also this month, Silvio Berlisconni was found impaled on a 36 inch rubber phallus after he was “reattaching a curtain pole” and he “fell off a ladder”, where his trousers “wrapped around a hook and ripped” before falling onto a “piece of modern art”. When questioned, he could not explain why the dildo was slathered in lubrication jelly.



March

This was the month that saw the start of the British Comedy Crisis, when it was revealed that the world’s observation reserves had been over-mined by unimaginative comedians. Comedians Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye have been accused of being ‘observation hogs’. It is now impossible for a comedian to make a joke about airline peanuts, awkward social situations, or stuff from the 80s without drawing a blank. On numerous occasions, Billy Connelly found himself uttering the phrase “why do people do that?” before realising that he hadn’t been able to draw on a humorous yet revealing observation about everyday life. Even Jim Davidson has been affected, with his observations about Black people and homosexuals coming to an abrupt halt before he had chance to cause offence.

Also this month celebrity Scientographer Tom Cruise(pictured) was declared the “most beautiful of American pig dog imperialists” by Hugo Chavez.

Six former BBC execs to burn over Savile scandal

by Rod Ladle

Six former BBC executives (pictured) named in the aftermath of the Jimmy Savile scandal are to be burned alive in a giant wicker Jim’ll Fix It chair after a House of Commons debate ruled that the punishment was proportionate to their ignorance.

Following an online petition on the government’s e-petitions website which was posted by a crazed member of the Great British Public, the subject qualified for a Commons debate after getting around 300,000 signatures, three times more than the 100,000 required to prompt Commons action on the matter.

Ministers later voted overwhelmingly in favour of putting the idea into action with nearly two-and-a-half thirds of the 17 ministers present siding with the petitioner. The government’s secretary for combustion and reedgrass renderings, Fenton Prickersley, released a statement on his Facebook page reading, ‘Following the scandalous revelations which have come to light over the past few months, I think it only fair that those guilty of being in the general vicinity of Savile and not knowing about what he was doing in private pay the highest possible price for their ignorance. I hope this sends a strong message out to those in high positions who also are not aware of their co-workers’ potential sexual offences – we will find you, and we will burn you.’

Social networking sites like Twitter came alive after the news broke, with opinion overwhelmingly in favour of the measures.

@ClitorinaScrunt said: ‘I always thought Savile looked a bit rapey. They should dig him up and burn him too, that will show him!’

@joeyrobocock0207 tweeted: ‘dey shud dig him up n freeze him so dey can bring him back in d future and kill him proper’

But not everybody was on the government’s side. User @SpadgersBobbins said: ‘This is silly. How were they supposed to know what somebody was doing behind closed doors?’

That account was later blocked and the user tracked down and placed on the sex offenders register for two years.

A date has not yet been confirmed, but the burning is likely to take place in Scarborough, possibly just yards away from evil Savile’s seaside sex lair, and is expected to attract a crowd of several thousand boss-eyed braying loons from all around the country. The BBC was unavailable for comment.