STOCK (photo), HORROR!

By Edgar Chalmers

"Hath the well runneth dry?" (W. Shakespeare, Henry XII, P24)

It has been reported that there could be a shortage of File Pictures which could bring local rag merchants like Mirror Group or Johnston Press to their knees.

Organisations like these have always been able to rely on a vast archive of people holding their heads in their hands when discussing mental health issues and of gunt-high pictures of fatties when talking about fatties.

A spokesperson for Mirror Group emerged from a Toby Carvery to confirm that the stock picture shortage could mean that they will now have to keep recycling the same picture of an old man holding a walking stick when talking about anyone over the age of 47.

He said of the crisis: ‘Long gone are the days when you could do a story with a real picture, nowadays it’s all file pictures. The problem is that we are now so lazy that the same picture of a Policeman is used for any crime story; unfortunately, that’s just how we like it’.

We also caught up with a spokes-Jock from Johnston Press at their head office in Edinburgh. He said something in Scottish whilst eating a deep-fried Mars Bar. We think that he was also concerned about the crisis, though we’re not sure.

We will keep you up to date with any developments by posting a picture of a newspaper press with the words “Breaking News” stencilled over it.