China discovers cock on moon, NASA blamed.

by Colin Dignitas

United States space agency NASA was embroiled in scandal yesterday when newly taken images of the Apollo 17 landing site by a Chinese space camera revealed what appears to be a giant penis etched into the lunar surface.

Space High Imaging Technology Enterprise - the Chinese company behind the new images – started taking the new images three months ago to go into a touring exhibition that will travel across China as part of the government’s campaign to publicise their intention to send a crew of Chinese astronauts to the Moon in 2018. Herbert Chung, head of operations at S.H.I.T.E. told the story of his discovery to me via Skype earlier today.

“I came to work one morning last week and began to review the images that had been taken overnight. I looked down and saw a huge penis looking back up at me and I immediately called in my secretary to show her. Her mouth was open and she took a step back in astonishment. She said she had never seen one that large.”

Mr. Chung then enlarged the penis and took it to show the president of the company, Hu Xiao Dong, who immediately alerted his contacts within the newly unveiled Chinese government. It has not been confirmed whether the images will be used in the exhibition, but if they are the penis is likely to be pixelated as it is illegal to display such images according to Chinese law.

NASA is yet to comment officially on the discovery, however a source within the catering department at the Houston branch secretly told me that there had been much talk of the discovery in the staff canteen.

“There has been much talk of the discovery in the staff canteen.” He told me secretly. “The rumour is that either Eugene Cernan or Harrison Schmidt did it with their foot, or maybe a stick they found somewhere, those guys got up to all kinds of stuff when there were in space, it wouldn’t surprise me if they found a ton of other body parts scratched into the lunar dust. Or maybe even words, probably something nasty about hairy Russian women.”

NASA been bogged down with controversy in recent years following the revelation that Apollo 15 astronaut James Irwin accidentally killed his pet dog Chachi after leaving the window of the Lunar Module open so it didn’t get too hot while he and Mission Commander David Scott were out walking around. The dog escaped and floated off into space and got run over by an asteroid. The body orbited the Moon for nearly 8 months before being recovered by the crew of Apollo 16 and brought back to Earth where it was put on display in the NASA museum. It was the only American dog ever lost on a space mission.

This latest scandal will hit NASA hard at a time when many are questioning its continued publicly-funded role in modern American society at a time of severe austerity.

Hackers target Pentagon.

by John Littlejohn,

It was revealed today that a group of cyber-terrorists have managed to hack into the Pentagon’s mainframe.

President Barack Obama stated in an emergency press conference that the hackers have caused significant damage to the integrity of the Pentagon at 18:00 EST yesterday, causing ‘several unknown and unknowable risks’. He promised swift action to fix the problem with a team of metaphysicists already hard at work; he added: ‘If I find the fuckers who did this, I’m gonna ship them off to Cuba’.

The Pentagon (pictured) has been voted the world’s favourite shape for the last 16 years running. But since the attack on the Pentagon, five-sided objects across the globe have been seen to turn and distort, as if by magic, into squares and hexagons, with unconfirmed reports of some pentagons turning themselves into childish drawings of male phalli.

Professor Shapeman head of Geometry at the Milton Keynes institute noted the first signs of pentagonal problems late last night ‘I was looking through one of my many geometry text books and noticed that on all the pages where a pentagon should have been, the shape had been distorted into either a square, a hexagon, or a willy with a line of wee coming out of the end’.

With the concept of the Pentagon now a logical impossibility, the UN have called for an emergency summit. It is hoped that the green shoots of pentagonic recovery will start to emerge Q2 of next year.

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Four.

October

Woof woof!

October became Mufftober as every cretin with a pubic mound decided to wear novelty mirkins for a month to raise money and awareness of Pubapecia, a hereditary illness that causes one’s pubic hair to be caught in the fly of jeans and other zip-fronted apparel.

Also this month, North Korean high Emperor Kim Jong-Un became Mr. Gay UK



Movember

Richard Wilson was named ‘World’s Greatest Sceptic’ by a panel of noted Atheists, including The Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Atkinson, 70, Jenny Éclair, 61 and the one out of ‘Mythbusters’ who looks a little bit like Gary Glitter, you know the one, 53. When asked to comment on receiving this prestigious award, the 92 year old star of TV’s ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ said ‘I don’t believe it’ and refused to turn up to receive his award, which was to be presented by the lovely Rachael from Countdown, 32-24-34DD (phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof (pictured, phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof ).

Also this month, Paul McCartney took his amputation fetishism to its logical conclusion when he announced his engagement to a woman known simply as ‘The Human Torso’.



December

During his world famous Winterval address, Pope Nazinger revealed that Jimmy Savile was to be canonised as a saint noting that the tireless charity worker and child molester fit in well with the values of the Church.

Also this month, Nick Clegg incorrectly received a spine during a ministerial Secret Santa. Clegg was , however, reluctant to speak up when he realised the mistake had been made and Prime Minster David Cameron pointed out that there’s “probably some satire there”.

Also, the world didn’t end… or did it? (It didn’t… or did it?)
And finally… a satsuma was found that resembled an orange, pock marked bottom .

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Two.

April

Turd

Justin Lee Collins’ entire career was revealed by Channel Four executives to be an elaborate April Fools joke that went too far. His career has since been repealed.
This month also saw the Gay Mafia join forces with the Human Rights Brigade with the specific aim of pissing off right-wing columnists Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson, and Charlie Brooker.



May

It was also at this time that Prime Minster David Cameron (pictured) was overheard during a Liberal Democrat fundraiser telling Nick Clegg to ‘fuck the poor’ – with Cameron later saying this was not offensive, but merely the name of a new policy. This was also on the same week that Nick Clegg was forced to announce the ‘fuck the poor’ policy which would see thousands of paupers being forced into working as reluctant gay prostitutes and appearing in pornographic films or else lose their benefits.
Also this month, Brian Blessed was advised to use his “indoor voice” during a dinner party.



June

In June, the world’s largest turd was discovered beached in the river Thames. The Floatilla, codenamed ‘Piers Morgan’, weighed in at a princely 14st. HM the Queen of England, Victoria the 3rd, led a 5000 strong armada to bear witness to the excremental marvel. This was punctuated by scenes of crowds of cockney revellers basking in the wonder and glory of the big pongy plop.
Celebrity Cyclist Bradley Wiggins embarked upon a tour of de France to promote his new album ‘Cycling With Sideburns’.

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part One.

Chavez: 'Sexy'.

2012 is coming to a close, but what a momentous year of fear it has been: the economy has continued to act like a brain-damaged step-son who, if we lock in the attic and ignore for long enough, will probably sort itself out; Leveson realised that the newspapers were acting like a bunch of twats (the Dodo Times was one of the very few publications praised for its moral integrity and commitment to truth) and it was revealed that every person who worked in the entertainment industry in the 1970’s was indeed, “probably”, a nonce.

And how about that weather? Tsk.

It’s now time to take a look back at one of the most eventful 2012s in history.

Happy new year, from Team The Dodo Times Team, GB.



January

2012 kicked off with the release of umpteen books relating to the Mayan end of the world theory, predicted to occur towards the end of the year. Henrietta Stevens, 34 year old mother of 2.4 from Surrey, later revealed that the whole theory was based upon an erroneous interpretation of a prediction she made when playing a gypsy fortune teller at the local village fete, in which she foretold that cloth-eared neighbour Mrs Mable Myanthorpe would “meet a tall, dark handsome stranger on her hols in Llandudno and come into a bit of cash.”

Also this month, the cruise ship Costa Concrapia was named World’s Largest Seafaring Piñata by the Special Brew Book of World Records.



February

This was the month that saw celebrity heathen Professor Richard Dawkin admit that he wasn’t really an atheist. He told one of our reporters over a romantic dinner that “after reading Hume I realised that religion and empiricism are both faith-based systems” adding later that “an agnostic stance won’t sell books”. He then impregnated our lady reporter and forced her to have an abortion, which he performed using a coat hanger and hot bath.

Also this month, Silvio Berlisconni was found impaled on a 36 inch rubber phallus after he was “reattaching a curtain pole” and he “fell off a ladder”, where his trousers “wrapped around a hook and ripped” before falling onto a “piece of modern art”. When questioned, he could not explain why the dildo was slathered in lubrication jelly.



March

This was the month that saw the start of the British Comedy Crisis, when it was revealed that the world’s observation reserves had been over-mined by unimaginative comedians. Comedians Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye have been accused of being ‘observation hogs’. It is now impossible for a comedian to make a joke about airline peanuts, awkward social situations, or stuff from the 80s without drawing a blank. On numerous occasions, Billy Connelly found himself uttering the phrase “why do people do that?” before realising that he hadn’t been able to draw on a humorous yet revealing observation about everyday life. Even Jim Davidson has been affected, with his observations about Black people and homosexuals coming to an abrupt halt before he had chance to cause offence.

Also this month celebrity Scientographer Tom Cruise(pictured) was declared the “most beautiful of American pig dog imperialists” by Hugo Chavez.

NRA: 'Guns don't kill people, zappers do'

by John Littlejohn,

NRA President Bernardette T. Bernardson

A recent report commissioned by the NRA has revealed that video games are directly responsible for all manner of unsavoury activities.

The report claims that a child in Bedford, UK, enjoyed playing Super Mario Brothers so much that he went on a binge of magic mushrooms before donning a racoon costume and jumping on the heads of tortoises in his local pet shop. The child is believed to be in a stable condition in St. Jimmy Saville’s hospital, Bedford, after trying to punch his head through large bricks.

An unnamed Austrian man who is believed to be a Pac-Man obsessive was recently arrested after summoning four ghosts to chase him around an urban maze surviving on a diet consisting of only pills, fruit, and a solid metal key.

Perhaps most damning of all is the revelation that every person question who had ever played Frogger also admitted to crossing a road at some point during their lives.

The NRA believes that video games are responsible for all social ills, and here at The Dodo Times we welcome such claims. Only a cursory glance at world history can highlight the evils of video games: when highwaymen robbed innocent people in Tudor times, it was because they had been playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; Egyptian pharaohs enslaved countless people to build pyramids because of their love for Q-Bert; and Japanese samurai warriors are considered by historians to have played a little too much Soul Calibre.

It is high time that video games, as well as all forms of entertainment, are banned. Please help by joining our campaign against the international entertainment swindle that is costing us our children and delaying God’s will on Earth.

Wanking crisis 'set to explode'.

by John Littlejohn

The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal that the Wank Bank crisis has come to a head this week as the IMF (International Masturbation Fodder) has warned of a serious wankonomic crisis the likes of which the world has yet to see.

According to Professor Pauline Cox, the issue is a complex one, telling our on of our reporters that “it’s actually quite a complex issue”, adding that it was due to a combination of factors, saying “it’s due to a combination of disparate factors.” When pushed for a firm response, we were told in no uncertain terms to please leave here property, because it was seven o’clock in the morning, saying “please leave my property, it’s seven o’clock in the fucking morning,”

Dodo scientographers believe that if the base wankery levels don’t improve by the middle of next year, this could lead to a blockage in the Wank Bank, which will be followed by an enormous surge which will leave most major cities in Britain and America to be coated in a Wank Bank meltdown that could surpass even Bukkake Wednesday for the mess it will make.

The problem has been blamed on a lack of reinvestment, and on a constant recycling of old favourites; but with Gillian Anderson resembling a hagraven, Angelina Jolie (pictured) looking like a skeleton with a funny mouth plastered on. And Pamela Anderson looking like a garish clown, their allure has been replaced by universal revulsion.

A spokesman from the British Nation Party was quick to blame foreigners for clogging up the internet with German transvestite rubber fetishists, Brazilian fart lovers and Japanese sea monsters taking a brunt of the blame. The spokesman argued that “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup to have some fat German bloke shake his junk and ruin an hour of solid, ahem, research. We want British wanks for British people.”

The G20 are painstakingly working on a bailout package to provide a needed stimulus for millions of bored and lonely men. The idea has been described by Nick Clegg as “about as good as a wet fart”. A recent hack by the Dodo Times of Mr Clegg’s hard-drive can reveal that this is most likely a good thing. It is hoped that these measures will help to relieve the tension.

FA warns Israel: 'leave Gazza alone'

by Colin Collymore, Sportsdesk

The Football Association have contacted Israel on behalf of former Footballer, ‘Paul’ Gazza Gascoigne (pictured) to inform them that they must desist in their attempts to annexe and build illegal settlements on the bloated stomach of the on-again-off-again booze-hound.

The FA warn that unless they cease in their attempts, then they will face sanctions from FIFA and UEFA.

A worried Gazza slurred to us that he’s not equipped to handle a full scale military attack from the Semitic state. ‘I canna’ handle the pressure man, all I’ve got is this fishing rod and a bucket of fried chicken’ said the Geordie footballing ace.

Tubby friend of Paul Gazza, Jimmy ‘five-bellies’ Gardner is increasingly concerned for his friend, as noticed at recent press conference: ‘They should just leave him alone, he’s done nowt to them so why do they care about him? “Gazza is just Gazza, he doesn’t have enemies, he’s everyone’s mate’.

Israel have so far been unavailable for comment.

Israel vs. Palestine: 'It's on!'

by John Littlejohn

After an emergency summit meeting at the UN, UN General Secretary Ban-Ki Moon has announced that the ongoing conflict in the Middle East between Palestine United and Israel City is soon to be resolved - forever and ever, amen.

The agreement, overseen by UN Peace Ambassador, the self-styled ‘helping hand in the Holy Land’ Don King, has been made as such that the only way for City and United to resolve their differences is live on Pay-Per-View, in an event called ‘Getting Gruesome in Jerusalem’.

The fight is set to be a no-holds-barred cage fight which can only be won by knock out, submission or an admission that they were wrong all along and agree to move out as soon as they can get a deposit together and find someone to give them a lift with their stuff. The rules are simple: two fighters enter, two men come out (though one will have lost the fight at that point).

The fight will be held at the famous Thunderdome located in the heart of beautiful down-town Jerusalem in the shadow of Mount Sinai (pictured), and the loser of the fight will have to move out of the area along with the rest of his team and vow never to return.

The fighters have been chosen at random by the UN, and have been declared ‘fair choices’ by President Glorm of Wolf 369 and surrounding planetary systems. Representing Israel City will be Jacob Adler, 29: a highly-decorated member of Mossad, who is famed for his power and testicular fortitude. Palestine United will be represented by Mohammed Ali, 59: a disabled ornithologist formerly employed by the Gaza University as a toilet cleaner.

Adler was seen to be quietly confident at today’s weigh-ins. Ali was quoted as saying: ‘I float like a butterfly and sting like a BQM-155 Hunter missile’. Ali is currently the odds-on favourite to win, though a suspicious package strapped to the bottom of his car may change that.