NRA: 'Guns don't kill people, zappers do'

by John Littlejohn,

NRA President Bernardette T. Bernardson

A recent report commissioned by the NRA has revealed that video games are directly responsible for all manner of unsavoury activities.

The report claims that a child in Bedford, UK, enjoyed playing Super Mario Brothers so much that he went on a binge of magic mushrooms before donning a racoon costume and jumping on the heads of tortoises in his local pet shop. The child is believed to be in a stable condition in St. Jimmy Saville’s hospital, Bedford, after trying to punch his head through large bricks.

An unnamed Austrian man who is believed to be a Pac-Man obsessive was recently arrested after summoning four ghosts to chase him around an urban maze surviving on a diet consisting of only pills, fruit, and a solid metal key.

Perhaps most damning of all is the revelation that every person question who had ever played Frogger also admitted to crossing a road at some point during their lives.

The NRA believes that video games are responsible for all social ills, and here at The Dodo Times we welcome such claims. Only a cursory glance at world history can highlight the evils of video games: when highwaymen robbed innocent people in Tudor times, it was because they had been playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; Egyptian pharaohs enslaved countless people to build pyramids because of their love for Q-Bert; and Japanese samurai warriors are considered by historians to have played a little too much Soul Calibre.

It is high time that video games, as well as all forms of entertainment, are banned. Please help by joining our campaign against the international entertainment swindle that is costing us our children and delaying God’s will on Earth.