The Fonz charged by the nonce squad

By Edgar Chalmers

Fonzie - Creepy.

Leather clad jukebox repairman Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzerelli has been charged with historic sex offences.The charges, which date back to the 1950’s have yet to be formally disclosed but we at The Dodo Times have reason to believe that they relate to Joanie Cunningham, the sister of the spotty, ginger misfit Richie.

We managed to get a few words with Mr. Cunningham, now in his 60’s about his these revelations: ‘when I first heard about this, I didn’t know what to think but now it’s perfectly clear and we must invoke Schofield’s Law on Fonzerelli. I used to wonder why someone as cool as Fonzie wanted to be friends with a complete dork like me, now I know that it was just an elaborate ploy to get to her, the one he used to call “Shortcake”’.

Warren “Potsie” Weber, a close friend of Richie takes a different view: ‘Richie knew what was going on all along, he wanted to be cool so badly that he was happy to allow Fonzerelli access to her; why else would he hang around with people like us? I also suspect that there was something going on with those two but that’s best left to your imagination. I stopped hanging around them when he did some ridiculous stunt involving a caged Tiger Shark, I remember thinking that he’s really jumped the shark now and that hanging around with him is going to steadily get more and more uncool.’

Charles "Chachi" Arcola, husband of Joanie and cousin of Fonzie was naturally torn by these revelations: ‘I don’t know what to believe anymore, Arthur was always a good cousin to me, he introduced me to Joanie and was best man at our wedding but Schofield’s Law is clear, there is no smoke without fire and we need to send the dirty fucker down, once and for all’.

High Court rules on Schofield's Law

Smoked out - Gadd, yesterday

by John Littlejohn

Militant paedophile group Liberty lost its legal challenge in the High Court today to remove the ‘no smoke without fire’ clause from Schofield’s Law.

The clause protects children from pervert sex monsters and was introduced to give the media the freedom to name and shame people it considers to be a bit dodgy without fear of EU red tape and loony lefties crying libel.

The case was lost when Liberty’s Grand Researcher Paul Gadd (pictured) wheeled a smoke machine into the court room to prove that there could be smoke without fire.

The machine bellowed thick smoke across the court room, but no fire could be seen.

Lord Justice Martine Martinez conceded that there could be smoke without fire and ruled that Schofield’s Law would have to be reviewed.

But as Mr Gadd removed the smoke machine from the court room, it caught fire and the court had to be evacuated and proceedings moved to an adjacent room.

Lord Justice Martinez quickly reversed his decision, and Mr Gadd was quickly arrested again for eyeing up one of Newsround’s Press Pack taking notes from the press bench.

Lord Justice Martinez said: "This is a great day for justice and a great day for my media profile."

A spokestranny from Liberty said he/she was disappointed with the ruling, he/she said: “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup for this.”

Celebrity Nonce Sweep 2013

The Dodo’s annual Nonce Sweep odds are in. Who is odds-on favourite to fall into the ‘no smoke without fire’ bracket next?

Piers Morgan – even odds
Recently declared the worst man alive, Morgan is the Dodo’s firm favourite for confirmed noncehood in the next twelve months.

The evidence:
His ITV2 shows, including: ‘She’s a Big Girl Now’, ‘All Grown Up’, and ‘Child Start Letch Fest’.
He has a paedo’s mouth, voice, haircut and face.
His cellar is filled with thousands of children’s shoes.

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Louis Theroux – 3:1
The smugumentary maker comes out of nowhere to be one of next year’s top tips.

The evidence:
As a documentary maker he must spend a lot of time “researching” – and we all know what that means.
Was his cover-up of Saville’s atrocities a coincidence?
He looks a bit dodgy.

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Noddy Holder – 6:1

Brummie Glitter-alike Noddy (pictured) is a sure-fire hit on next year’s nonce list – be careful though, he might want to feel more than just the noize.

The evidence:
He and Glitter shopped at the same perverted shoe shop.
He was a celebrity in the 1970s.
He is a terrible speller, and as scientographers have noted, nonces are always poor spellers.

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Noel Fielding – 20:1
The smirky comedian and favourite with teenage girls has been hiding in his lair for long enough.

The evidence:
He tells jokes to attract young girls to his sinister lair.
He wears funny outfits.
His nose looks very odd, which can only mean one thing.

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Katie Price – 25:1
Nobody believes in the existence of paedoladies, but that’s how they get you.

The evidence:
She claims to write books for children - why just children?
She has gone under many assumed names including Katie Price, Jordan, and Tits.
Her face and body have taken on many disguises, with surgery being used to stop her being recognised by the authorities.

Six former BBC execs to burn over Savile scandal

by Rod Ladle

Six former BBC executives (pictured) named in the aftermath of the Jimmy Savile scandal are to be burned alive in a giant wicker Jim’ll Fix It chair after a House of Commons debate ruled that the punishment was proportionate to their ignorance.

Following an online petition on the government’s e-petitions website which was posted by a crazed member of the Great British Public, the subject qualified for a Commons debate after getting around 300,000 signatures, three times more than the 100,000 required to prompt Commons action on the matter.

Ministers later voted overwhelmingly in favour of putting the idea into action with nearly two-and-a-half thirds of the 17 ministers present siding with the petitioner. The government’s secretary for combustion and reedgrass renderings, Fenton Prickersley, released a statement on his Facebook page reading, ‘Following the scandalous revelations which have come to light over the past few months, I think it only fair that those guilty of being in the general vicinity of Savile and not knowing about what he was doing in private pay the highest possible price for their ignorance. I hope this sends a strong message out to those in high positions who also are not aware of their co-workers’ potential sexual offences – we will find you, and we will burn you.’

Social networking sites like Twitter came alive after the news broke, with opinion overwhelmingly in favour of the measures.

@ClitorinaScrunt said: ‘I always thought Savile looked a bit rapey. They should dig him up and burn him too, that will show him!’

@joeyrobocock0207 tweeted: ‘dey shud dig him up n freeze him so dey can bring him back in d future and kill him proper’

But not everybody was on the government’s side. User @SpadgersBobbins said: ‘This is silly. How were they supposed to know what somebody was doing behind closed doors?’

That account was later blocked and the user tracked down and placed on the sex offenders register for two years.

A date has not yet been confirmed, but the burning is likely to take place in Scarborough, possibly just yards away from evil Savile’s seaside sex lair, and is expected to attract a crowd of several thousand boss-eyed braying loons from all around the country. The BBC was unavailable for comment.

'Schofield's Law': Government unveil new anti-nonce legislation.

by Edgar Chalmers

Home Secretary Theresa May has passed a new law that clearly states that ‘there’s no smoke without fire’.

The interpretation of what has been dubbed as “Schofield’s Law” after celebrity nonce-hunter Philip Schofield (pictured), suggests that the police have new powers to arrest someone they suspect of being a bit noncey. The legislation will also bring into law the long-awaited ‘trial by Twitter’ which will be phased in to replace Judges and Juries; and from next Thursday any innuendo made in the tabloid press can now be used as evidence in a Court of Law.

Schofield, 50, of Henley-on-Thames is delighted with the announcement: “Speaking as a father, it’s about time that we did something about the paedo problem in this country - the government are too soft on nonces and we need to get them before they nonce one of our children up. I call on the people of this country to stop anyone who looks like a nonce, spends more than five minutes near a school, or has ever watched a children’s football match.”

Anthony Horowitz, author and patron of children’s charity, Kidscape is behind the new law. “Finally, someone is thinking of children, but not in THAT way”.

Shadow Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper, is opposed to this legislation. “I think this is all a wonderful idea and can see absolutely no problem with it, but as Shadow Home Secretary I am naturally opposed to it.”

Meanwhile, May has also announced that as a child protection measure, all voters in polling stations at schools must be CRB checked.

Jimmy Savile's zombie 'no longer a threat'

by John Littlejohn

It has been revealed today by a government Counter Undead Nonces and Terrorists operative that the body of celebrity nonce Jimmy Savile (pictured) has been exhumed and dezombiefied.

It was feared by CUNT that if and when the dead do rise, the last thing they want is a reanimated nonce fiddling from beyond the grave.

In a ritual performed late last night at Woodlands Cemetery, Scarborough, six CUNT agents were given permission to dig up the corpse of the former habitual fund-raiser and serial marathon runner, cut out his brain with a piece of jagged glass, remove his eyeballs, hands, legs and genitals, and burn them with the tongues of two dozen lizards before gathered locals danced around them with pitchforks and flaming torches singing the ‘bop-ba-bah’ bit from the Jim’ll Fix It song over and over again.

After two hours of complicated voodoo ritual and a frenzy of ‘now then, now then’ from the gathered mob, Savile’s casket was sealed within the broken dreams of hundreds of Jim’ll Fix It badges, and buried beneath 6 feet of solid concrete.

Although CUNT are now assured that Savile will no longer be able to commit paedophilic acts if and when the dead rise, they fear that Savile’s unrested soul may now haunt the dreams of children in the vein of Freddy Kruger, stars of such films as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.

Britain ‘rampant with paedos’ alleges Schofield.

by John Littlejohn,

A shocking report conducted by the Schofield Trust has concluded that there are now more paedophiles in Britain than there are children.

With nonce-hunting season well under way, the Schofield report has listed the names of over 30 million UK residents (gathered by using Google and Twitter) alleging them to have been paedophiles at some point during their lives. The list, which includes the names of high-profile MPs, head teachers, police officers, three X Factor Judges, everyone at the BBC, and the banks, has been described by Prime Minister David Cameron (pictured) as ‘extensive reading’.

What is most shocking is that many of the alleged fiddlers are under the age of 16. The term ‘mutual grooming’ has been used to describe paedophile teenagers who lure each other into engaging in relationships, often with children of their own age. Abusive acts including holding hands and snogging have been alleged to occur in schools up and down the country, with the Schofield report to concluding that the British education system has harboured countless criminals and has been complacent in the reporting of such offences. The report also blames social media, the internet, and new digital technology for the increase in inter-child grooming.

The Schofield report calls for the resignation of everybody implicated within its pages, as well as everyone involved in its production. Prime Minister David Cameron welcomes the move, but urges caution ‘lest it been seen as a witch hunt’ – no witches have yet been implicated.