The Fonz charged by the nonce squad

By Edgar Chalmers

Fonzie - Creepy.

Leather clad jukebox repairman Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzerelli has been charged with historic sex offences.The charges, which date back to the 1950’s have yet to be formally disclosed but we at The Dodo Times have reason to believe that they relate to Joanie Cunningham, the sister of the spotty, ginger misfit Richie.

We managed to get a few words with Mr. Cunningham, now in his 60’s about his these revelations: ‘when I first heard about this, I didn’t know what to think but now it’s perfectly clear and we must invoke Schofield’s Law on Fonzerelli. I used to wonder why someone as cool as Fonzie wanted to be friends with a complete dork like me, now I know that it was just an elaborate ploy to get to her, the one he used to call “Shortcake”’.

Warren “Potsie” Weber, a close friend of Richie takes a different view: ‘Richie knew what was going on all along, he wanted to be cool so badly that he was happy to allow Fonzerelli access to her; why else would he hang around with people like us? I also suspect that there was something going on with those two but that’s best left to your imagination. I stopped hanging around them when he did some ridiculous stunt involving a caged Tiger Shark, I remember thinking that he’s really jumped the shark now and that hanging around with him is going to steadily get more and more uncool.’

Charles "Chachi" Arcola, husband of Joanie and cousin of Fonzie was naturally torn by these revelations: ‘I don’t know what to believe anymore, Arthur was always a good cousin to me, he introduced me to Joanie and was best man at our wedding but Schofield’s Law is clear, there is no smoke without fire and we need to send the dirty fucker down, once and for all’.

'Schofield's Law': Government unveil new anti-nonce legislation.

by Edgar Chalmers

Home Secretary Theresa May has passed a new law that clearly states that ‘there’s no smoke without fire’.

The interpretation of what has been dubbed as “Schofield’s Law” after celebrity nonce-hunter Philip Schofield (pictured), suggests that the police have new powers to arrest someone they suspect of being a bit noncey. The legislation will also bring into law the long-awaited ‘trial by Twitter’ which will be phased in to replace Judges and Juries; and from next Thursday any innuendo made in the tabloid press can now be used as evidence in a Court of Law.

Schofield, 50, of Henley-on-Thames is delighted with the announcement: “Speaking as a father, it’s about time that we did something about the paedo problem in this country - the government are too soft on nonces and we need to get them before they nonce one of our children up. I call on the people of this country to stop anyone who looks like a nonce, spends more than five minutes near a school, or has ever watched a children’s football match.”

Anthony Horowitz, author and patron of children’s charity, Kidscape is behind the new law. “Finally, someone is thinking of children, but not in THAT way”.

Shadow Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper, is opposed to this legislation. “I think this is all a wonderful idea and can see absolutely no problem with it, but as Shadow Home Secretary I am naturally opposed to it.”

Meanwhile, May has also announced that as a child protection measure, all voters in polling stations at schools must be CRB checked.