The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Four.

October

Woof woof!

October became Mufftober as every cretin with a pubic mound decided to wear novelty mirkins for a month to raise money and awareness of Pubapecia, a hereditary illness that causes one’s pubic hair to be caught in the fly of jeans and other zip-fronted apparel.

Also this month, North Korean high Emperor Kim Jong-Un became Mr. Gay UK



Movember

Richard Wilson was named ‘World’s Greatest Sceptic’ by a panel of noted Atheists, including The Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Atkinson, 70, Jenny Éclair, 61 and the one out of ‘Mythbusters’ who looks a little bit like Gary Glitter, you know the one, 53. When asked to comment on receiving this prestigious award, the 92 year old star of TV’s ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ said ‘I don’t believe it’ and refused to turn up to receive his award, which was to be presented by the lovely Rachael from Countdown, 32-24-34DD (phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof (pictured, phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof ).

Also this month, Paul McCartney took his amputation fetishism to its logical conclusion when he announced his engagement to a woman known simply as ‘The Human Torso’.



December

During his world famous Winterval address, Pope Nazinger revealed that Jimmy Savile was to be canonised as a saint noting that the tireless charity worker and child molester fit in well with the values of the Church.

Also this month, Nick Clegg incorrectly received a spine during a ministerial Secret Santa. Clegg was , however, reluctant to speak up when he realised the mistake had been made and Prime Minster David Cameron pointed out that there’s “probably some satire there”.

Also, the world didn’t end… or did it? (It didn’t… or did it?)
And finally… a satsuma was found that resembled an orange, pock marked bottom .

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Three.

July

A Lady?

In July, the words ‘L*ndon’, ‘O*ympics’ and ‘2*12’ became property of the London Olympics 2012 TM committee with sanctions being given to all businesses in the world who stole the intellectual rights of the Olympic Committee. The Tower of L*ndon was renamed the Tower of Decapitation, and the L*ndon Stock Exchange was forced to change its name to the Bankers’ Sinister Lair, and all calendars reverted to the Gregg’s pasty tax calendar until 2013. Lord Coe was delighted by this, noting that “it has been great to stick it to those thieving gypsy scoundrels,” adding that he has “enjoyed stringing those thieving arseholes up by their jaffas and sending them off the Tower of Decapitation.”

The term ‘Olymprick’ was also added to the Oxford English Dictionary this month.



August

With the wars on terror, drugs and anti-social behaviour grinding to a halt, Prime Minster David Cameron announced a new series of expensive and long-lasting wars on a new set of abstract concepts. Expect wars to be waged against hope, loss and fervour.

Also this month, the Paralympics gave hope to disableds everywhere – ahh, bless.



September

It was at this time that Mr Bean was revealed to have originally been made as a stark and harrowing documentary about the life of a man living with autism. After watching the footage, ITV executives added a laugher track and marketed it as a comedy.

This was also the month that The Dodo Times revealed that pop diva Lady Gaga (pictured) was not a Lady at all, and that her lineage suggested no links to aristocracy or landed gentry.

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Two.

April

Turd

Justin Lee Collins’ entire career was revealed by Channel Four executives to be an elaborate April Fools joke that went too far. His career has since been repealed.
This month also saw the Gay Mafia join forces with the Human Rights Brigade with the specific aim of pissing off right-wing columnists Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson, and Charlie Brooker.



May

It was also at this time that Prime Minster David Cameron (pictured) was overheard during a Liberal Democrat fundraiser telling Nick Clegg to ‘fuck the poor’ – with Cameron later saying this was not offensive, but merely the name of a new policy. This was also on the same week that Nick Clegg was forced to announce the ‘fuck the poor’ policy which would see thousands of paupers being forced into working as reluctant gay prostitutes and appearing in pornographic films or else lose their benefits.
Also this month, Brian Blessed was advised to use his “indoor voice” during a dinner party.



June

In June, the world’s largest turd was discovered beached in the river Thames. The Floatilla, codenamed ‘Piers Morgan’, weighed in at a princely 14st. HM the Queen of England, Victoria the 3rd, led a 5000 strong armada to bear witness to the excremental marvel. This was punctuated by scenes of crowds of cockney revellers basking in the wonder and glory of the big pongy plop.
Celebrity Cyclist Bradley Wiggins embarked upon a tour of de France to promote his new album ‘Cycling With Sideburns’.

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part One.

Chavez: 'Sexy'.

2012 is coming to a close, but what a momentous year of fear it has been: the economy has continued to act like a brain-damaged step-son who, if we lock in the attic and ignore for long enough, will probably sort itself out; Leveson realised that the newspapers were acting like a bunch of twats (the Dodo Times was one of the very few publications praised for its moral integrity and commitment to truth) and it was revealed that every person who worked in the entertainment industry in the 1970’s was indeed, “probably”, a nonce.

And how about that weather? Tsk.

It’s now time to take a look back at one of the most eventful 2012s in history.

Happy new year, from Team The Dodo Times Team, GB.



January

2012 kicked off with the release of umpteen books relating to the Mayan end of the world theory, predicted to occur towards the end of the year. Henrietta Stevens, 34 year old mother of 2.4 from Surrey, later revealed that the whole theory was based upon an erroneous interpretation of a prediction she made when playing a gypsy fortune teller at the local village fete, in which she foretold that cloth-eared neighbour Mrs Mable Myanthorpe would “meet a tall, dark handsome stranger on her hols in Llandudno and come into a bit of cash.”

Also this month, the cruise ship Costa Concrapia was named World’s Largest Seafaring Piñata by the Special Brew Book of World Records.



February

This was the month that saw celebrity heathen Professor Richard Dawkin admit that he wasn’t really an atheist. He told one of our reporters over a romantic dinner that “after reading Hume I realised that religion and empiricism are both faith-based systems” adding later that “an agnostic stance won’t sell books”. He then impregnated our lady reporter and forced her to have an abortion, which he performed using a coat hanger and hot bath.

Also this month, Silvio Berlisconni was found impaled on a 36 inch rubber phallus after he was “reattaching a curtain pole” and he “fell off a ladder”, where his trousers “wrapped around a hook and ripped” before falling onto a “piece of modern art”. When questioned, he could not explain why the dildo was slathered in lubrication jelly.



March

This was the month that saw the start of the British Comedy Crisis, when it was revealed that the world’s observation reserves had been over-mined by unimaginative comedians. Comedians Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye have been accused of being ‘observation hogs’. It is now impossible for a comedian to make a joke about airline peanuts, awkward social situations, or stuff from the 80s without drawing a blank. On numerous occasions, Billy Connelly found himself uttering the phrase “why do people do that?” before realising that he hadn’t been able to draw on a humorous yet revealing observation about everyday life. Even Jim Davidson has been affected, with his observations about Black people and homosexuals coming to an abrupt halt before he had chance to cause offence.

Also this month celebrity Scientographer Tom Cruise(pictured) was declared the “most beautiful of American pig dog imperialists” by Hugo Chavez.