Andy Murray rewrites history.

By John Littlejohn,

Historians the world over are in dismay today after tennis superstar Andy Murray rewrote history.

The heroic Brit won the tennis world cup yesterday tarnishing his reputation as a lousy Scot. But away from the highs and lows of Wembley, Murray was busying himself rewriting history.

Andy Murray at the Battle of Waterloo

Initial reports suggest that Japan won the Second World War and that Mr Nanny won 14 Oscars.

Reports that the Battle of Hastings took place in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire, in 2003 have been strongly denied by the Prime Minister David Blunkett.

A diplomatic crisis was narrowly avoided when it was believed that celebrity nonce Gary Glitter had been working for the Vatican as a good will ambassador from 1992 to 2011. But with his convictions being erased, governments around the world realised that they had nothing to worry about.

Prof. Artisan Boule from Newcastle-under-Lyme University, France, said: “It certainly makes my job a little more interesting. For example, the Warsaw Pact is now a critically acclaimed German progressive rock band from the late 70s, and Richard Dawkin is still wrong.”

We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup for this – we didn’t win two world wars at all.

Andy Murray was unavailable to comment.

Wimbledon Exclusive: Wombles ask just to be left alone

By Edgar Chalmers

Great Uncle Bulgaria, yesterday

As the dust settles at London SW19 for another year, all of Great Britain and Scotland is celebrating Andy Murray’s momentous victory for England with a well-earned jug of Pimm’s and some Strawberries and cream.

All good and well you might think, but about the little guys? I’m not talking about the ball boys here but a group of furry little creatures known as ‘Wombles’.

The Wombles migrated from Wembley, North London around 1922 when they heard about the plans to build The Empire Stadium on their land. They moved to Wimbledon knowing that the Tennis championships would be held there but were assured of their safety by the patrons of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

For many years, they lived perfectly peacefully without any torment but in recent time, the patrons of ‘Henman Hill’ have made life impossible for them. We got a word with an upper-middle-class bit of crumpet on the hill when she saw our camera and started waving incessantly at us; this is what Harmony Carmichael had to say with an annoying rising inflection: ‘They are sooooooo cute and retro, I just want one so much. I asked daddy to get me one and through his contacts at the construction firm he owns, the digging started straight away. I saw a load of them scatter and I didn’t get one but that’s cool because they should be free anyway and I’m going to spend my gap year on safari looking after animals that are being poached by humans because humans are a problem for animals.’

We managed to get up close to these creatures and curiously enough, some of them could talk. Their representative, Geoff Orinoco was able to offer an insight: ‘What about us? We’re supposed to be a protected species these days, these posh twats are harassing us every year and our numbers are dwindling. I’m trying to look after my great uncle Bulgaria who needs round the clock care for his demntia but this situation has forced us to consider other options. We have decided that Wimbledon is too small for us Wombles so we are going elsewhere, perhaps North Wales, perhaps Dartmoor, just somewhere where we can be left alone and try to build a little colony of our own. Do not try to find us, we really don’t need your “help”’.

The Wombles have now been reclassified as ‘Critically Endangered’ and anyone found bothering them can receive up to two years in prison and an unlimited fine.

Adorable or not, you have been warned.