Wimbledon Exclusive: Wombles ask just to be left alone

By Edgar Chalmers

Great Uncle Bulgaria, yesterday

As the dust settles at London SW19 for another year, all of Great Britain and Scotland is celebrating Andy Murray’s momentous victory for England with a well-earned jug of Pimm’s and some Strawberries and cream.

All good and well you might think, but about the little guys? I’m not talking about the ball boys here but a group of furry little creatures known as ‘Wombles’.

The Wombles migrated from Wembley, North London around 1922 when they heard about the plans to build The Empire Stadium on their land. They moved to Wimbledon knowing that the Tennis championships would be held there but were assured of their safety by the patrons of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

For many years, they lived perfectly peacefully without any torment but in recent time, the patrons of ‘Henman Hill’ have made life impossible for them. We got a word with an upper-middle-class bit of crumpet on the hill when she saw our camera and started waving incessantly at us; this is what Harmony Carmichael had to say with an annoying rising inflection: ‘They are sooooooo cute and retro, I just want one so much. I asked daddy to get me one and through his contacts at the construction firm he owns, the digging started straight away. I saw a load of them scatter and I didn’t get one but that’s cool because they should be free anyway and I’m going to spend my gap year on safari looking after animals that are being poached by humans because humans are a problem for animals.’

We managed to get up close to these creatures and curiously enough, some of them could talk. Their representative, Geoff Orinoco was able to offer an insight: ‘What about us? We’re supposed to be a protected species these days, these posh twats are harassing us every year and our numbers are dwindling. I’m trying to look after my great uncle Bulgaria who needs round the clock care for his demntia but this situation has forced us to consider other options. We have decided that Wimbledon is too small for us Wombles so we are going elsewhere, perhaps North Wales, perhaps Dartmoor, just somewhere where we can be left alone and try to build a little colony of our own. Do not try to find us, we really don’t need your “help”’.

The Wombles have now been reclassified as ‘Critically Endangered’ and anyone found bothering them can receive up to two years in prison and an unlimited fine.

Adorable or not, you have been warned.