Piggate: Family comes out in defence of David Cameron

by John Littlejohn,

David Cameron, today

The family of the dead pig whose face was prodded by David Cameron’s man-sausage* has come out in the Prime Minister’s defence.

The relatives of Sir Trufflesnout said that having his dead face humped by a future Prime Minister was “what he would have wanted.”

A family spokesman said the Trufflesnouts have been “driven rind the bend by reporters,” adding that the allegations “are sow two-thousand-and-late.”

Mr Cameron made his "Bill Clinton" statement during a family outing to Hampshire.

Mr Cameron said: “Today has been the wurst day of my life, but I hope these words will help to save my bacon because when I first heard about this, I thought it was a rib.

“When I saw pulled pork was on the menu I thought it would be a nice Chorizo I can only apologise for being such a jerky," he said.

“I ham truly sorry.”



*allegedly.

Celeb Resolutions, 2013.

The Dodo Times reveals the New Year resolutions of the great and good.

Nick Clegg – Nick was going to promise to stand up for his real values, but was quickly shouted down by David Cameron (pictured) and promised to give up chocolate instead.

Pippa Middleton – Has promised her sister that she won’t try and outshine the birth of the royal baby by withdrawing her arse from all public engagements.

Colin Collymore – The Dodo Times’ sports writer has declared that he will himself be sportier. On the list of sports that he will take up are rhythmic badminton, drunken judo and the 110m hurdles.

Piers Morgan – Piers promised to stop being a complete and utter cunt, but failed his resolution mere seconds after the final chimes of Big Ben.

Michael Barrymore – The presenter of the ever-popular Strike it Lucky and Strike it Rich has promised to keep on top of cleaning his swimming pool.

Gail from Coronation Street – Has promised to use 2013 to grow a chin.

Edgar Chalmers – The Dodo Times’ paranoia writer will be making an effort to understand other cultures and to embrace new things, so long as they aren’t foreign.

Tom Baker - Has vowed to try and patch things up with his estranged body, with the hope that he can be more than a dis-embodied voice.

Lily Allen – Has vowed to record more shows on her ‘loverlly’ Sky Plus box. Hopefully with all that TV to watch, it will keep her out of the recording studio.

Brian Blessed – Brian will be striving to use his indoor voice.

Lydia Muff-Footle – The Dodo Times’ female correspondent has vowed to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, like Belgian chocs, store cards and killer heels. And has promised to have “fun fun fun!”and keep on showing the boys how it’s done.

Paul McCartney – See Piers Morgan.

And finally, John Littlejohn has vowed to bring back National Service...

The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Four.

October

Woof woof!

October became Mufftober as every cretin with a pubic mound decided to wear novelty mirkins for a month to raise money and awareness of Pubapecia, a hereditary illness that causes one’s pubic hair to be caught in the fly of jeans and other zip-fronted apparel.

Also this month, North Korean high Emperor Kim Jong-Un became Mr. Gay UK



Movember

Richard Wilson was named ‘World’s Greatest Sceptic’ by a panel of noted Atheists, including The Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Atkinson, 70, Jenny Éclair, 61 and the one out of ‘Mythbusters’ who looks a little bit like Gary Glitter, you know the one, 53. When asked to comment on receiving this prestigious award, the 92 year old star of TV’s ‘Keeping Up Appearances’ said ‘I don’t believe it’ and refused to turn up to receive his award, which was to be presented by the lovely Rachael from Countdown, 32-24-34DD (phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof (pictured, phwoar, hubba-hubba, ding-dong, yowzer, woof-woof ).

Also this month, Paul McCartney took his amputation fetishism to its logical conclusion when he announced his engagement to a woman known simply as ‘The Human Torso’.



December

During his world famous Winterval address, Pope Nazinger revealed that Jimmy Savile was to be canonised as a saint noting that the tireless charity worker and child molester fit in well with the values of the Church.

Also this month, Nick Clegg incorrectly received a spine during a ministerial Secret Santa. Clegg was , however, reluctant to speak up when he realised the mistake had been made and Prime Minster David Cameron pointed out that there’s “probably some satire there”.

Also, the world didn’t end… or did it? (It didn’t… or did it?)
And finally… a satsuma was found that resembled an orange, pock marked bottom .

Britain ‘rampant with paedos’ alleges Schofield.

by John Littlejohn,

A shocking report conducted by the Schofield Trust has concluded that there are now more paedophiles in Britain than there are children.

With nonce-hunting season well under way, the Schofield report has listed the names of over 30 million UK residents (gathered by using Google and Twitter) alleging them to have been paedophiles at some point during their lives. The list, which includes the names of high-profile MPs, head teachers, police officers, three X Factor Judges, everyone at the BBC, and the banks, has been described by Prime Minister David Cameron (pictured) as ‘extensive reading’.

What is most shocking is that many of the alleged fiddlers are under the age of 16. The term ‘mutual grooming’ has been used to describe paedophile teenagers who lure each other into engaging in relationships, often with children of their own age. Abusive acts including holding hands and snogging have been alleged to occur in schools up and down the country, with the Schofield report to concluding that the British education system has harboured countless criminals and has been complacent in the reporting of such offences. The report also blames social media, the internet, and new digital technology for the increase in inter-child grooming.

The Schofield report calls for the resignation of everybody implicated within its pages, as well as everyone involved in its production. Prime Minister David Cameron welcomes the move, but urges caution ‘lest it been seen as a witch hunt’ – no witches have yet been implicated.