Revealed: Prince Harry's diabolical plans to become King

by Our Royal Correspondent,

The Royal Family is in turmoil today after an investigation by The Dodo Times uncovered a series of plots by Prince Harry to become King.


Papers outlining the dastardly schemes were found stuffed into the pockets of Prince Harry's favourite Nazi uniform which had been sent for dry cleaning.

Prince Harry, yesterday

One shocking plot would have seen his brother and nephew trampled by a herd of buffalo, with contingencies set in place if Prince George manages to escape and live in exile with a meerkat and a warthog before returning as an adult to reclaim his throne.

The plans also reveal the Prince's ambitions to travel back in time to stop Prince William and his coatstand wife from meeting at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

Another plot would have seen his family being slaughtered during a wedding feast.

Buckingham Palace dismissed the allegations as a "complete and utter fabrication", but this reporter can assure you they are not.

Prince Charles said: "As much as I hate the little bastard, I'd rather talk about the plight of lillywarts."

Follow: @TheDodoTimes

Recruitment consultant: 'My job has meaning'

by John Littlejohn

A Leeds-based recruitment consultant has convinced himself that his job has value. 


Darren Artichoke, 26, told researchers at Newcastle-under-Lyme University that recruiting other recruitment consultants for Meta-Recruitment Solutions was one of the most rewarding jobs in the entire world.

He said: “I know people bang on about doing something worthwhile like refugee mining or charity chugging, but I’m 26 years old, I’m on a cool 29k and I living life to the max.”

Mr Artichoke said he had ambitions to set up his own recruitment consultancy specialising in head-hunting the best recruiters to find the most dynamic and passionate recruitment consultants with a commitment to recruitment.

He said: “For me, it’s all about finding blue sky solutions for off-base problems.

“We’re always gonna need meta-recruitment – you think Napoleon could have won World War Two if he hadn’t used recruitment consultants? Exactly.”

Jeremy Corbyn wants to ban Christmas and puppies

by John Littlejohn

Jeremy Corbyn, yesterday

Jeremy Corbyn has said he will ban Christmas and puppies if his party is elected in the 2020 General Election.

The communist leader outlined his plans during a Nuremberg Rally style event outside a chip-ship in his London constituency.

Mr Corbyn told his extremist followers that Christmas and puppies represent the excesses of “decadent Western values.”

He said: “My aim as your supreme ayatollah is to create a migrant pipeline between here and Bongo Bongo Land.

“Under my iron fist, you won’t be able to say the word 'Jesus' or wear a poppy because it might offend a Muslamic “

Following an evil cackle, Mr Corbyn spat on this non-bias reporter and told a good, honest hedge fund manager to kill herself (yes, a lady hedge fund manager).

Prime Minister David Cameron said Mr Corbyn was “a silly sod”, but assured the Dodo Times that everything is going to be fine.

Police continue valiant efforts to fish out Bulgarian scroungers

by John Littlejohn

A 39-year-old Bradford man was arrested today for looking ‘too Bulgarian’.

Seamus Islam (pictured) was arrested at his home in city after reports from neighbours who had complained to police about ‘suspicious immigration’ and ‘benefit claimery’.

Mr Islam, who has lived in Bradford since his birth, was detained by police in a local station for 15 hours before being released to a pack of EDL protesters.

Ch Insp Archimedes Goldberg said: “We can confirm that Mr Islam was arrested on suspicion of immigrancy during a dawn raid this morning.”

He added: “He looked really Bulgarian, so we had to act.”

A spokeslady for Bradford Council said: “We really don’t want these Bulgarians coming over here and taking our benefits.”

She added: “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup for this.”

Mr Islam is still recovering in hospital after falling out his bed many times during the night onto a police officer’s shoes and truncheon.

No one from the Bulgarian Embassy in Bradford was available to comment.