Revealed: Prince Harry's diabolical plans to become King

by Our Royal Correspondent,

The Royal Family is in turmoil today after an investigation by The Dodo Times uncovered a series of plots by Prince Harry to become King.


Papers outlining the dastardly schemes were found stuffed into the pockets of Prince Harry's favourite Nazi uniform which had been sent for dry cleaning.

Prince Harry, yesterday

One shocking plot would have seen his brother and nephew trampled by a herd of buffalo, with contingencies set in place if Prince George manages to escape and live in exile with a meerkat and a warthog before returning as an adult to reclaim his throne.

The plans also reveal the Prince's ambitions to travel back in time to stop Prince William and his coatstand wife from meeting at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

Another plot would have seen his family being slaughtered during a wedding feast.

Buckingham Palace dismissed the allegations as a "complete and utter fabrication", but this reporter can assure you they are not.

Prince Charles said: "As much as I hate the little bastard, I'd rather talk about the plight of lillywarts."

Follow: @TheDodoTimes

Recruitment consultant: 'My job has meaning'

by John Littlejohn

A Leeds-based recruitment consultant has convinced himself that his job has value. 


Darren Artichoke, 26, told researchers at Newcastle-under-Lyme University that recruiting other recruitment consultants for Meta-Recruitment Solutions was one of the most rewarding jobs in the entire world.

He said: “I know people bang on about doing something worthwhile like refugee mining or charity chugging, but I’m 26 years old, I’m on a cool 29k and I living life to the max.”

Mr Artichoke said he had ambitions to set up his own recruitment consultancy specialising in head-hunting the best recruiters to find the most dynamic and passionate recruitment consultants with a commitment to recruitment.

He said: “For me, it’s all about finding blue sky solutions for off-base problems.

“We’re always gonna need meta-recruitment – you think Napoleon could have won World War Two if he hadn’t used recruitment consultants? Exactly.”

Tories unveil plans to improve the lives of the super-rich

by John Littlejohn,

Chancellor George Osborne has outlined a new set of policies that will improve the lives of some of the richest people in the UK. 

Mr Osborne’s “Fuck the Poor” white paper could see sweeping reforms of welfare, justice and healthcare, and include a measure to make it compulsory for all members of the Cabinet to have served for at least three years in the Bullingdon Club, thus cementing tradition into law.

Under the policy, anyone deemed to be one of Boris Johnson’s mates will be given immunity from prosecution and poor people accused of a crime will be forced to volunteer at one of PoundLand’s labour camps – the same will also apply for any disableds or doleys.

Food banks will be forced to reform their working practises, with calls for food bank bosses to be paid large annual bonuses and for them to invest more of their capital in derivates such as soy and entrails.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins will be called in as a special adviser to the Government on refugee and mental health policy.   

George Osborn, yesterday

Mr Osborne said: “The policies are a part of our long-term economic plan. It is a simple choice between a clear, steady hand, or complete and utter chaos on the other.

He added: “There a two types of people in this world: the good, honest, hard-working super-rich and worthless fucking plebs.”

Mr Osborne said the money saved will allow him reduce the level of tax paid by the one per cent richest in the UK.

Communist leader Jeremy Corbyn said he disagreed with Mr Osborne’s plans, but he would.

Jeremy Corbyn poised to destroy the solar system

by Rod Ladle

Brian Cox, yesterday

Scientographers have warned that communist leader Jeremy Corbyn may risk destroying the solar system if he turns into a super-duper black hole.

Fears were raised by ubiquitous science go-to-guy Professor Brian Cox after Comrade Corbyn-Laden started showing signs of developing an event horizon.

Hundreds of reporters have found themselves unable to escape what is becoming known in political circles as the red singularity.

Those caught within the singularity find it impossible to write about anything else, with concerns mounting that soon light and matter will also be sucked in.

Prof Cox said: “The red singularity is one of those rare wonders in science that can't help but fill one with a sense of the divine.

“Mr Corbyn’s magnetism appears to be straddling the electromagnetic spectrum like a fat boy on a butcher’s bike.”

Copies of the Daily Express can be held up when near the Corbynator as a means of protection, but for many it is already too late.

Three Dodo Times reporters have found themselves trapped by the red menace – Xenu willing, they will emerge unscathed.

We did not approach Mr Corbyn for a comment because he is a cad and a bounder and would only start spouting communist propaganda before chinning our photographer.

Michael Aspel performs second miracle

Aspel, yesterday

by John Littlejohn

Veteran broadcaster Michael Aspel (pictured) is one step closer to being canonised as a saint after performing a second miracle.

The 93-year-old presenter was praised by Cardinals at Pope HQ after not dropping the N-bomb while reciting the children’s nursery rhyme ‘Eeny, meeny, miny, moe’.

Cardinal Chung Nabooti Mohammed-Jones said: “Many have used all of their might and all of their power not to use the N-word.

“Through the grace of God Michael has performed a miracle, replacing the most dreadful of words with God’s holy creation – the tiger.

“Instead of begging for forgiveness like a chump on the YouTube, he has moved one step closer to Godliness.”

Sources close to Aspel have said he was trying to choose which one of the Ant and/or Dec he would like to kiss hardest.

For his first miracle, Aspel avoided the prying eyes of Yew tree operatives after no allegations of sexual offences dating back to the 1970s were made to police.

Health warnings over Halal food

by John Littlejohn,

Letters have been sent to residents in towns and cities including Liverpool and Bristol following revelations that Halal food could destroy the West.

The warnings came from the Government following revelations that the consumption of Halal food made us Brits 72.4 per cent more suggestible to accepting Islam as our lord and master.

Scientographers at Newcastle-under-Lyme university made the discovery three years ago, but it is only now that the Government are acknowledging the issue.

A 42-year-old woman from Bolton found herself drawn more and more to her local Mecca bingo hall after consuming what she later discovered to be Halal bacon.

Michael Smith, 26, of Dudley, West Midlands, handed himself into police after having a series of recurring dreams where he flew planes into Wolverhampton's Novotel hotel after consuming a Halal packet of crisps.

David Singh, Muslamic priest at St Muhammed's Temple, Braford (pictured), said: "We will crush all of the puny American pig dog infidels.

"Please feast on our evil, sorry I mean delicious, Halal foods and you too can learn to know the true meaning Jihad."

Martin Britman, UKIP's European candidate for Leicester said: "This is the trouble with all this foreign food, coming over here, taking our jobs.

"I want to see real food, British food - what's a good Spag Bol or Balti?

"We didn't win two world wars and one world cup for this."

High Court rules on Schofield's Law

Smoked out - Gadd, yesterday

by John Littlejohn

Militant paedophile group Liberty lost its legal challenge in the High Court today to remove the ‘no smoke without fire’ clause from Schofield’s Law.

The clause protects children from pervert sex monsters and was introduced to give the media the freedom to name and shame people it considers to be a bit dodgy without fear of EU red tape and loony lefties crying libel.

The case was lost when Liberty’s Grand Researcher Paul Gadd (pictured) wheeled a smoke machine into the court room to prove that there could be smoke without fire.

The machine bellowed thick smoke across the court room, but no fire could be seen.

Lord Justice Martine Martinez conceded that there could be smoke without fire and ruled that Schofield’s Law would have to be reviewed.

But as Mr Gadd removed the smoke machine from the court room, it caught fire and the court had to be evacuated and proceedings moved to an adjacent room.

Lord Justice Martinez quickly reversed his decision, and Mr Gadd was quickly arrested again for eyeing up one of Newsround’s Press Pack taking notes from the press bench.

Lord Justice Martinez said: "This is a great day for justice and a great day for my media profile."

A spokestranny from Liberty said he/she was disappointed with the ruling, he/she said: “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup for this.”

Misery sells admits Morrissey

by John Littlejohn

Former Smiths frontman Morrissey has said that his public persona as a grumpy vegetarian has been a marketing gimmick used to sell records.

Speaking exclusively to The Dodo Times, Morrissey (pictured) struck at all the ‘Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now’ headlines and said that he has always been a cheerful chap.

He said: “Every day I wake up with a big smilthe e on my face.

“I look in the mirror and thank the Lord for my endless blessings.”

Speaking over a veal lunch at a swanky Los Angeles restaurant, Morrissey said: “The grumpiness is just a ploy to shift units.

“For me, every day is like a fun day.

“I don’t exactly have the best singing voice, so I thought it best to moan instead – it isn’t rocket science.”

But after his second serving of blue steak, the quaffed singer admitted that he’d painted himself into a corner creatively.

He said: “I love the world I see around me, it’s my constant inspiration – the smiles of children, the green of the trees, the twinkle of stars in the night sky

“So sometimes I do feel that singing about jealousy, rejection and the backstreets of Salford doesn’t reflect what I’m about.

Police continue valiant efforts to fish out Bulgarian scroungers

by John Littlejohn

A 39-year-old Bradford man was arrested today for looking ‘too Bulgarian’.

Seamus Islam (pictured) was arrested at his home in city after reports from neighbours who had complained to police about ‘suspicious immigration’ and ‘benefit claimery’.

Mr Islam, who has lived in Bradford since his birth, was detained by police in a local station for 15 hours before being released to a pack of EDL protesters.

Ch Insp Archimedes Goldberg said: “We can confirm that Mr Islam was arrested on suspicion of immigrancy during a dawn raid this morning.”

He added: “He looked really Bulgarian, so we had to act.”

A spokeslady for Bradford Council said: “We really don’t want these Bulgarians coming over here and taking our benefits.”

She added: “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup for this.”

Mr Islam is still recovering in hospital after falling out his bed many times during the night onto a police officer’s shoes and truncheon.

No one from the Bulgarian Embassy in Bradford was available to comment.