Six former BBC execs to burn over Savile scandal

by Rod Ladle

Six former BBC executives (pictured) named in the aftermath of the Jimmy Savile scandal are to be burned alive in a giant wicker Jim’ll Fix It chair after a House of Commons debate ruled that the punishment was proportionate to their ignorance.

Following an online petition on the government’s e-petitions website which was posted by a crazed member of the Great British Public, the subject qualified for a Commons debate after getting around 300,000 signatures, three times more than the 100,000 required to prompt Commons action on the matter.

Ministers later voted overwhelmingly in favour of putting the idea into action with nearly two-and-a-half thirds of the 17 ministers present siding with the petitioner. The government’s secretary for combustion and reedgrass renderings, Fenton Prickersley, released a statement on his Facebook page reading, ‘Following the scandalous revelations which have come to light over the past few months, I think it only fair that those guilty of being in the general vicinity of Savile and not knowing about what he was doing in private pay the highest possible price for their ignorance. I hope this sends a strong message out to those in high positions who also are not aware of their co-workers’ potential sexual offences – we will find you, and we will burn you.’

Social networking sites like Twitter came alive after the news broke, with opinion overwhelmingly in favour of the measures.

@ClitorinaScrunt said: ‘I always thought Savile looked a bit rapey. They should dig him up and burn him too, that will show him!’

@joeyrobocock0207 tweeted: ‘dey shud dig him up n freeze him so dey can bring him back in d future and kill him proper’

But not everybody was on the government’s side. User @SpadgersBobbins said: ‘This is silly. How were they supposed to know what somebody was doing behind closed doors?’

That account was later blocked and the user tracked down and placed on the sex offenders register for two years.

A date has not yet been confirmed, but the burning is likely to take place in Scarborough, possibly just yards away from evil Savile’s seaside sex lair, and is expected to attract a crowd of several thousand boss-eyed braying loons from all around the country. The BBC was unavailable for comment.

Jimmy Savile's zombie 'no longer a threat'

by John Littlejohn

It has been revealed today by a government Counter Undead Nonces and Terrorists operative that the body of celebrity nonce Jimmy Savile (pictured) has been exhumed and dezombiefied.

It was feared by CUNT that if and when the dead do rise, the last thing they want is a reanimated nonce fiddling from beyond the grave.

In a ritual performed late last night at Woodlands Cemetery, Scarborough, six CUNT agents were given permission to dig up the corpse of the former habitual fund-raiser and serial marathon runner, cut out his brain with a piece of jagged glass, remove his eyeballs, hands, legs and genitals, and burn them with the tongues of two dozen lizards before gathered locals danced around them with pitchforks and flaming torches singing the ‘bop-ba-bah’ bit from the Jim’ll Fix It song over and over again.

After two hours of complicated voodoo ritual and a frenzy of ‘now then, now then’ from the gathered mob, Savile’s casket was sealed within the broken dreams of hundreds of Jim’ll Fix It badges, and buried beneath 6 feet of solid concrete.

Although CUNT are now assured that Savile will no longer be able to commit paedophilic acts if and when the dead rise, they fear that Savile’s unrested soul may now haunt the dreams of children in the vein of Freddy Kruger, stars of such films as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.