Benjamin 'netting Yahoo!'

by John Littlejohn

Rumours of former children’s TV presenter Floella Benjamin (pictured) taking a controlling stake in ailing tech firm Yahoo! seem unfounded, The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal.

Market speculation started overnight as questions were raised over Benjamin’s qualifications for turning around the internet search engine, causing Yahoo!’s share price to plummet. A broker representing brokerage firm Short-term Vision noted the he “made a cool ten mil from short selling” before losing it all ten minutes later.

The rumours, which were started by Palestinian militants, have caused contagion and chaos to bleeding-edge tech stocks around the world. Snuffcore, an internet-based adult entertainment firm, saw a 15% drop in their share price. While the worst sufferers were German internet-based adult entertainment firm Scheiße Mädchen, who saw their share price drop by 54%.

Palestinian militants added fuel to rumours this morning on CNN, with a spokesman stating that “Benjamin netting Yahoo! must be stopped at all costs.”

Floella Benjamin has denied everything, claiming that "I don't think a bad pun should cause so much chaos to the world's markets."

Fake news in decline, real news blamed

The Imperial Palace, Brighton - Yesterday

Satirical news websites are struggling to make ends meet because so-called real news is becoming increasingly hilarious.

Spoof news websites The Dodo Times and The Onion are having trouble coming up with fresh ‘news’ in the face of a torrent of ridiculous and outlandish stories published by the self-styled ‘legitimate’ press.

News stories such as the Justin Bieber monkey saga, the EDL’s architectural gaffe, and the news that Liverpool FC striker Luis Suarez being cast as ‘Blackula’ has left spoof news editors worldwide to shaking their collective noggins in disbelief.

Vidalia Onion, Assistant Regional Developmental Operative of satirical news agency, The Onion, said: “How are we meant to compete with this bullshit? We spend hours trying to come with the funniest spoof news stories. We turn on the TV and some senator has posted a picture of his cock on Twitter – and his name is actually Weiner. Just how are we supposed to compete with that?”

Jimmy LeVell-Barlow-Hall the bawdy former Director General of the sex monster sanctuary known colloquially as the BBC, said: “legitimate news agencies cannot be blamed for the 14.2% net increase in daftness and a whopping 71% rise in general buffoonery.”

Celebrity anti-free speech advocate, Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) said: “I think that it was Samuel Taylor Coleridge what said: ‘if you daub a Swastika on your bum with in the presence of twenty four prostitutes and school children in the middle of Trafalgar Square, that’s your private business.’ I don’t see why Ant and/or Dec should become press fodder for these activities, don’t they have the same rights as Joe Schmo?”

A spokeslady from the spoof journalists’ union, the NUSJ, said: “we are doing everything that we can for our members during these testing times but when Ant and/or Dec continue with their bizarre sex games, what can you do?”

Wanking crisis 'set to explode'.

by John Littlejohn

The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal that the Wank Bank crisis has come to a head this week as the IMF (International Masturbation Fodder) has warned of a serious wankonomic crisis the likes of which the world has yet to see.

According to Professor Pauline Cox, the issue is a complex one, telling our on of our reporters that “it’s actually quite a complex issue”, adding that it was due to a combination of factors, saying “it’s due to a combination of disparate factors.” When pushed for a firm response, we were told in no uncertain terms to please leave here property, because it was seven o’clock in the morning, saying “please leave my property, it’s seven o’clock in the fucking morning,”

Dodo scientographers believe that if the base wankery levels don’t improve by the middle of next year, this could lead to a blockage in the Wank Bank, which will be followed by an enormous surge which will leave most major cities in Britain and America to be coated in a Wank Bank meltdown that could surpass even Bukkake Wednesday for the mess it will make.

The problem has been blamed on a lack of reinvestment, and on a constant recycling of old favourites; but with Gillian Anderson resembling a hagraven, Angelina Jolie (pictured) looking like a skeleton with a funny mouth plastered on. And Pamela Anderson looking like a garish clown, their allure has been replaced by universal revulsion.

A spokesman from the British Nation Party was quick to blame foreigners for clogging up the internet with German transvestite rubber fetishists, Brazilian fart lovers and Japanese sea monsters taking a brunt of the blame. The spokesman argued that “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup to have some fat German bloke shake his junk and ruin an hour of solid, ahem, research. We want British wanks for British people.”

The G20 are painstakingly working on a bailout package to provide a needed stimulus for millions of bored and lonely men. The idea has been described by Nick Clegg as “about as good as a wet fart”. A recent hack by the Dodo Times of Mr Clegg’s hard-drive can reveal that this is most likely a good thing. It is hoped that these measures will help to relieve the tension.

The Lady Dodo: Save Our Suffering Giants.

by Lydia Muff-Footle, Female Correspondent

Once again, the British Public are reeling from shock as the Big Four supermarkets announce decreased Christmas spending among consumers. Mid-year 2012, Tesco experienced its first fall in profits since 1994. At just £1.7 billion by August it's going to be a cold Christmas for Tesco this year.

Who is to blame for this degrading poverty? You, dear reader, you! Personally, I buy all of my shopping through Ocado, so it's nothing to do with me, but the average shopper has been spending less and less this year. As Joanne Public tightens her belt in the face of the recession, our faithful supermarkets are missing out.

For some unfathomable reason, people have begun to think they can define themselves through their beliefs, interests, relationships and values, not their weekly shop. Simplifying, homemade, paying-off debt, saving up - where did people pick up these silly, outmoded ideas? Whatever happened to good old 'I shop, therefore I am'?

I know that you, reader, may be struggling in this harsh financial climate. We all are. Just last week I had to say no to my little son when he asked for a new DS game, because I just didn't have the money, having spent it on a new DS and eight games. Of course, I'm not a monster, and I did buy my beaming little four year old the game yesterday as a reward for eating all his dinner, but the point is that I understand that we all must make sacrifices to get by. We're all struggling on.

But is that any excuse to abandon the supermarkets, those benevolent giants, in their time of need? I think not. So come on girls, let's save our supermarkets, crack out those trusty credit cards and get spending!

I'm going to do my bit; will you do yours?