Hackers target Pentagon.

by John Littlejohn,

It was revealed today that a group of cyber-terrorists have managed to hack into the Pentagon’s mainframe.

President Barack Obama stated in an emergency press conference that the hackers have caused significant damage to the integrity of the Pentagon at 18:00 EST yesterday, causing ‘several unknown and unknowable risks’. He promised swift action to fix the problem with a team of metaphysicists already hard at work; he added: ‘If I find the fuckers who did this, I’m gonna ship them off to Cuba’.

The Pentagon (pictured) has been voted the world’s favourite shape for the last 16 years running. But since the attack on the Pentagon, five-sided objects across the globe have been seen to turn and distort, as if by magic, into squares and hexagons, with unconfirmed reports of some pentagons turning themselves into childish drawings of male phalli.

Professor Shapeman head of Geometry at the Milton Keynes institute noted the first signs of pentagonal problems late last night ‘I was looking through one of my many geometry text books and noticed that on all the pages where a pentagon should have been, the shape had been distorted into either a square, a hexagon, or a willy with a line of wee coming out of the end’.

With the concept of the Pentagon now a logical impossibility, the UN have called for an emergency summit. It is hoped that the green shoots of pentagonic recovery will start to emerge Q2 of next year.

The Fonz charged by the nonce squad

By Edgar Chalmers

Fonzie - Creepy.

Leather clad jukebox repairman Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzerelli has been charged with historic sex offences.The charges, which date back to the 1950’s have yet to be formally disclosed but we at The Dodo Times have reason to believe that they relate to Joanie Cunningham, the sister of the spotty, ginger misfit Richie.

We managed to get a few words with Mr. Cunningham, now in his 60’s about his these revelations: ‘when I first heard about this, I didn’t know what to think but now it’s perfectly clear and we must invoke Schofield’s Law on Fonzerelli. I used to wonder why someone as cool as Fonzie wanted to be friends with a complete dork like me, now I know that it was just an elaborate ploy to get to her, the one he used to call “Shortcake”’.

Warren “Potsie” Weber, a close friend of Richie takes a different view: ‘Richie knew what was going on all along, he wanted to be cool so badly that he was happy to allow Fonzerelli access to her; why else would he hang around with people like us? I also suspect that there was something going on with those two but that’s best left to your imagination. I stopped hanging around them when he did some ridiculous stunt involving a caged Tiger Shark, I remember thinking that he’s really jumped the shark now and that hanging around with him is going to steadily get more and more uncool.’

Charles "Chachi" Arcola, husband of Joanie and cousin of Fonzie was naturally torn by these revelations: ‘I don’t know what to believe anymore, Arthur was always a good cousin to me, he introduced me to Joanie and was best man at our wedding but Schofield’s Law is clear, there is no smoke without fire and we need to send the dirty fucker down, once and for all’.

Police continue valiant efforts to fish out Bulgarian scroungers

by John Littlejohn

A 39-year-old Bradford man was arrested today for looking ‘too Bulgarian’.

Seamus Islam (pictured) was arrested at his home in city after reports from neighbours who had complained to police about ‘suspicious immigration’ and ‘benefit claimery’.

Mr Islam, who has lived in Bradford since his birth, was detained by police in a local station for 15 hours before being released to a pack of EDL protesters.

Ch Insp Archimedes Goldberg said: “We can confirm that Mr Islam was arrested on suspicion of immigrancy during a dawn raid this morning.”

He added: “He looked really Bulgarian, so we had to act.”

A spokeslady for Bradford Council said: “We really don’t want these Bulgarians coming over here and taking our benefits.”

She added: “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup for this.”

Mr Islam is still recovering in hospital after falling out his bed many times during the night onto a police officer’s shoes and truncheon.

No one from the Bulgarian Embassy in Bradford was available to comment.

NRA: 'Guns don't kill people, zappers do'

by John Littlejohn,

NRA President Bernardette T. Bernardson

A recent report commissioned by the NRA has revealed that video games are directly responsible for all manner of unsavoury activities.

The report claims that a child in Bedford, UK, enjoyed playing Super Mario Brothers so much that he went on a binge of magic mushrooms before donning a racoon costume and jumping on the heads of tortoises in his local pet shop. The child is believed to be in a stable condition in St. Jimmy Saville’s hospital, Bedford, after trying to punch his head through large bricks.

An unnamed Austrian man who is believed to be a Pac-Man obsessive was recently arrested after summoning four ghosts to chase him around an urban maze surviving on a diet consisting of only pills, fruit, and a solid metal key.

Perhaps most damning of all is the revelation that every person question who had ever played Frogger also admitted to crossing a road at some point during their lives.

The NRA believes that video games are responsible for all social ills, and here at The Dodo Times we welcome such claims. Only a cursory glance at world history can highlight the evils of video games: when highwaymen robbed innocent people in Tudor times, it was because they had been playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; Egyptian pharaohs enslaved countless people to build pyramids because of their love for Q-Bert; and Japanese samurai warriors are considered by historians to have played a little too much Soul Calibre.

It is high time that video games, as well as all forms of entertainment, are banned. Please help by joining our campaign against the international entertainment swindle that is costing us our children and delaying God’s will on Earth.