Misery sells admits Morrissey

by John Littlejohn

Former Smiths frontman Morrissey has said that his public persona as a grumpy vegetarian has been a marketing gimmick used to sell records.

Speaking exclusively to The Dodo Times, Morrissey (pictured) struck at all the ‘Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now’ headlines and said that he has always been a cheerful chap.

He said: “Every day I wake up with a big smilthe e on my face.

“I look in the mirror and thank the Lord for my endless blessings.”

Speaking over a veal lunch at a swanky Los Angeles restaurant, Morrissey said: “The grumpiness is just a ploy to shift units.

“For me, every day is like a fun day.

“I don’t exactly have the best singing voice, so I thought it best to moan instead – it isn’t rocket science.”

But after his second serving of blue steak, the quaffed singer admitted that he’d painted himself into a corner creatively.

He said: “I love the world I see around me, it’s my constant inspiration – the smiles of children, the green of the trees, the twinkle of stars in the night sky

“So sometimes I do feel that singing about jealousy, rejection and the backstreets of Salford doesn’t reflect what I’m about.

Face of Michael Jackson appears on La Toya Jackson's face.

by Rod Ladle

There was shock in the entertainment world last night when an apparent miracle took place on La Toya Jackson’s face. Ms. Jackson (pictured) was the guest of honour at the opening of a brand new celebrity ice-skating rink in the Hollywood Arndale Centre, when the image of her late brother, the singer and dancer Michael Jackson, suddenly appeared on her face.

There were gasps of astonishment from the audience as the image also seemed to speak out in a voice very similar to that of the deceased monochromatic entertainer, even finishing the speech that La Toya was giving about how ice-skating was an activity that even the poorest Hollywood star had a right to enjoy.

La Toya Jackson, a singer and entertainer herself in some respects, seemed unaware of the phenomena and spent almost 20 full minutes circulating amongst the crowds afterwards, all the time completely oblivious to the events that had just taken place on her face.

Nobody in the shocked crowd dared to bring up the subject given the frostiness of her relationship with her former brother, which, even though the pair made peace shortly after his death, was never as close as the one he had with his other siblings. This Morning’s celebrity medium Angelica Pube told the Dodo Times, ‘This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. People who pass away in troubled or difficult circumstances often come back from the spirit realm as they have unfinished business here on Earth; or sometimes their auras are left behind to revisit significant locations from their lives. I would imagine that Michael had unfinished business on La Toya’s face.’

This is the latest in a series of sightings of Jackson’s ghost in recent months, with reports that the King of Pop’s image has also been spotted in the meat department of Harrods, the monkey house at Los Angeles zoo, and a Detroit branch of Mothercare, among other places.