Preview – Mock The Afflicted set to take the world of trashy Channel 4 docu-ality by storm

Hag: The meddlesome Mary Porter, yesterday

This week The Dodo was given an exclusive preview of Channel Four’s new 53 part weekly guilt fix ‘Mock The Afflicted’ . Set to take the established format of freak pointing reality TV to a whole new level, the programme will examine the harsh realities in the lives of a different disadvantaged person each week.

From single mothers of five on benefits, to paraplegic war veterans and a woman with a spacky face, ‘Mock The Afflicted’ will examine their lives in a disrespectful amount of detail under a veneer of sensitivity, so we don’t feel bad about it.

At the end of each episode experts such as Jenny Éclair (of ‘Top 50 Things From 1980’ and ‘Top 50 Things From 1981’ etc. fame) and Channel 4’s resident meddling harridan, Mary Porter will tell them how to sort their sad little lives out; with hilarious and tragic consequences!

The series, sponsored by Cash Converters aims to draw attention to the struggles of those on the margins of society and in doing so make us all feel better about ourselves. Spending the day working in a PPI call centre won’t seem half so bad when compared to a man who wets himself a lot trying to hold down a badly paid job, bless.

From the makers of ‘The Priapism Diaries’ and ‘Disableds; Sort Yourselves Out!’ and narrated by Michael McIntyre, who is sure to provide giggles and guffaws galore, this social investigation will touch the inner child of all who watch it, but not in that way.

'My baby is better than Prince Baby George' claims peasant mother

By Lydia Muff-Footle

Proud - Wills and Kates with their new heir, yesterday

 

Did you know that a baby was born on the same day as wickle Prince George? This lady reporter was shocked to discover that whilst the rest of us loyal subjects were curtsying to our future King (God save his pwecious wee toesie wosies) a woman in Walsall had the cheek to go into labour and give birth to a baby boy of her own.

Who does she think she is?

When asked what she was thinking, trying to steal the glory of the Duchess (swoon!) pauper Miss Sarah Winkle (um, unmarried mother alert!) said: “It just happened. He was due in two weeks but babies come when they come, don’t they?”

Calling her at midnight at Walsall Royal Infirmary I was able to grill the mum-of-one-traitor. The most obvious question was if she had to say which baby she loved more would it be hers or our future King? To my horror she actually laughed and said of course it would be her own new born son. Now as a mother I’d be the first to say my son means the world to me, but loyalty to the crown comes first. This Wallsallian bint is slandering the rulers of our fair land having given birth in the Walsall Royal Infirmary. Cheeky cow.

Well I bet she’ll look a mess when she leaves the maternity ward, or whatever they have on the NHS these days. Kate looked fabulous, as you’d expect from someone who’s just birthed a tiny wee king. Aww, she looked just like Will’s mum when she left hospital with him, he must have been so proud.

It was just like when Jesus was born but with a cool yummy-mummy instead of a dowdy old virgin.

God bless us all.

Wimbledon Exclusive: Wombles ask just to be left alone

By Edgar Chalmers

Great Uncle Bulgaria, yesterday

As the dust settles at London SW19 for another year, all of Great Britain and Scotland is celebrating Andy Murray’s momentous victory for England with a well-earned jug of Pimm’s and some Strawberries and cream.

All good and well you might think, but about the little guys? I’m not talking about the ball boys here but a group of furry little creatures known as ‘Wombles’.

The Wombles migrated from Wembley, North London around 1922 when they heard about the plans to build The Empire Stadium on their land. They moved to Wimbledon knowing that the Tennis championships would be held there but were assured of their safety by the patrons of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

For many years, they lived perfectly peacefully without any torment but in recent time, the patrons of ‘Henman Hill’ have made life impossible for them. We got a word with an upper-middle-class bit of crumpet on the hill when she saw our camera and started waving incessantly at us; this is what Harmony Carmichael had to say with an annoying rising inflection: ‘They are sooooooo cute and retro, I just want one so much. I asked daddy to get me one and through his contacts at the construction firm he owns, the digging started straight away. I saw a load of them scatter and I didn’t get one but that’s cool because they should be free anyway and I’m going to spend my gap year on safari looking after animals that are being poached by humans because humans are a problem for animals.’

We managed to get up close to these creatures and curiously enough, some of them could talk. Their representative, Geoff Orinoco was able to offer an insight: ‘What about us? We’re supposed to be a protected species these days, these posh twats are harassing us every year and our numbers are dwindling. I’m trying to look after my great uncle Bulgaria who needs round the clock care for his demntia but this situation has forced us to consider other options. We have decided that Wimbledon is too small for us Wombles so we are going elsewhere, perhaps North Wales, perhaps Dartmoor, just somewhere where we can be left alone and try to build a little colony of our own. Do not try to find us, we really don’t need your “help”’.

The Wombles have now been reclassified as ‘Critically Endangered’ and anyone found bothering them can receive up to two years in prison and an unlimited fine.

Adorable or not, you have been warned.