Tories unveil plans to improve the lives of the super-rich

by John Littlejohn,

Chancellor George Osborne has outlined a new set of policies that will improve the lives of some of the richest people in the UK. 

Mr Osborne’s “Fuck the Poor” white paper could see sweeping reforms of welfare, justice and healthcare, and include a measure to make it compulsory for all members of the Cabinet to have served for at least three years in the Bullingdon Club, thus cementing tradition into law.

Under the policy, anyone deemed to be one of Boris Johnson’s mates will be given immunity from prosecution and poor people accused of a crime will be forced to volunteer at one of PoundLand’s labour camps – the same will also apply for any disableds or doleys.

Food banks will be forced to reform their working practises, with calls for food bank bosses to be paid large annual bonuses and for them to invest more of their capital in derivates such as soy and entrails.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins will be called in as a special adviser to the Government on refugee and mental health policy.   

George Osborn, yesterday

Mr Osborne said: “The policies are a part of our long-term economic plan. It is a simple choice between a clear, steady hand, or complete and utter chaos on the other.

He added: “There a two types of people in this world: the good, honest, hard-working super-rich and worthless fucking plebs.”

Mr Osborne said the money saved will allow him reduce the level of tax paid by the one per cent richest in the UK.

Communist leader Jeremy Corbyn said he disagreed with Mr Osborne’s plans, but he would.

Jeremy Corbyn poised to destroy the solar system

by Rod Ladle

Brian Cox, yesterday

Scientographers have warned that communist leader Jeremy Corbyn may risk destroying the solar system if he turns into a super-duper black hole.

Fears were raised by ubiquitous science go-to-guy Professor Brian Cox after Comrade Corbyn-Laden started showing signs of developing an event horizon.

Hundreds of reporters have found themselves unable to escape what is becoming known in political circles as the red singularity.

Those caught within the singularity find it impossible to write about anything else, with concerns mounting that soon light and matter will also be sucked in.

Prof Cox said: “The red singularity is one of those rare wonders in science that can't help but fill one with a sense of the divine.

“Mr Corbyn’s magnetism appears to be straddling the electromagnetic spectrum like a fat boy on a butcher’s bike.”

Copies of the Daily Express can be held up when near the Corbynator as a means of protection, but for many it is already too late.

Three Dodo Times reporters have found themselves trapped by the red menace – Xenu willing, they will emerge unscathed.

We did not approach Mr Corbyn for a comment because he is a cad and a bounder and would only start spouting communist propaganda before chinning our photographer.

Jeremy Corbyn wants to ban Christmas and puppies

by John Littlejohn

Jeremy Corbyn, yesterday

Jeremy Corbyn has said he will ban Christmas and puppies if his party is elected in the 2020 General Election.

The communist leader outlined his plans during a Nuremberg Rally style event outside a chip-ship in his London constituency.

Mr Corbyn told his extremist followers that Christmas and puppies represent the excesses of “decadent Western values.”

He said: “My aim as your supreme ayatollah is to create a migrant pipeline between here and Bongo Bongo Land.

“Under my iron fist, you won’t be able to say the word 'Jesus' or wear a poppy because it might offend a Muslamic “

Following an evil cackle, Mr Corbyn spat on this non-bias reporter and told a good, honest hedge fund manager to kill herself (yes, a lady hedge fund manager).

Prime Minister David Cameron said Mr Corbyn was “a silly sod”, but assured the Dodo Times that everything is going to be fine.