The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part Two.

April

Turd

Justin Lee Collins’ entire career was revealed by Channel Four executives to be an elaborate April Fools joke that went too far. His career has since been repealed.
This month also saw the Gay Mafia join forces with the Human Rights Brigade with the specific aim of pissing off right-wing columnists Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson, and Charlie Brooker.



May

It was also at this time that Prime Minster David Cameron (pictured) was overheard during a Liberal Democrat fundraiser telling Nick Clegg to ‘fuck the poor’ – with Cameron later saying this was not offensive, but merely the name of a new policy. This was also on the same week that Nick Clegg was forced to announce the ‘fuck the poor’ policy which would see thousands of paupers being forced into working as reluctant gay prostitutes and appearing in pornographic films or else lose their benefits.
Also this month, Brian Blessed was advised to use his “indoor voice” during a dinner party.



June

In June, the world’s largest turd was discovered beached in the river Thames. The Floatilla, codenamed ‘Piers Morgan’, weighed in at a princely 14st. HM the Queen of England, Victoria the 3rd, led a 5000 strong armada to bear witness to the excremental marvel. This was punctuated by scenes of crowds of cockney revellers basking in the wonder and glory of the big pongy plop.
Celebrity Cyclist Bradley Wiggins embarked upon a tour of de France to promote his new album ‘Cycling With Sideburns’.

Celebrity Nonce Sweep 2013

The Dodo’s annual Nonce Sweep odds are in. Who is odds-on favourite to fall into the ‘no smoke without fire’ bracket next?

Piers Morgan – even odds
Recently declared the worst man alive, Morgan is the Dodo’s firm favourite for confirmed noncehood in the next twelve months.

The evidence:
His ITV2 shows, including: ‘She’s a Big Girl Now’, ‘All Grown Up’, and ‘Child Start Letch Fest’.
He has a paedo’s mouth, voice, haircut and face.
His cellar is filled with thousands of children’s shoes.

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Louis Theroux – 3:1
The smugumentary maker comes out of nowhere to be one of next year’s top tips.

The evidence:
As a documentary maker he must spend a lot of time “researching” – and we all know what that means.
Was his cover-up of Saville’s atrocities a coincidence?
He looks a bit dodgy.

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Noddy Holder – 6:1

Brummie Glitter-alike Noddy (pictured) is a sure-fire hit on next year’s nonce list – be careful though, he might want to feel more than just the noize.

The evidence:
He and Glitter shopped at the same perverted shoe shop.
He was a celebrity in the 1970s.
He is a terrible speller, and as scientographers have noted, nonces are always poor spellers.

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Noel Fielding – 20:1
The smirky comedian and favourite with teenage girls has been hiding in his lair for long enough.

The evidence:
He tells jokes to attract young girls to his sinister lair.
He wears funny outfits.
His nose looks very odd, which can only mean one thing.

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Katie Price – 25:1
Nobody believes in the existence of paedoladies, but that’s how they get you.

The evidence:
She claims to write books for children - why just children?
She has gone under many assumed names including Katie Price, Jordan, and Tits.
Her face and body have taken on many disguises, with surgery being used to stop her being recognised by the authorities.