Jeremy Corbyn poised to destroy the solar system

by Rod Ladle

Brian Cox, yesterday

Scientographers have warned that communist leader Jeremy Corbyn may risk destroying the solar system if he turns into a super-duper black hole.

Fears were raised by ubiquitous science go-to-guy Professor Brian Cox after Comrade Corbyn-Laden started showing signs of developing an event horizon.

Hundreds of reporters have found themselves unable to escape what is becoming known in political circles as the red singularity.

Those caught within the singularity find it impossible to write about anything else, with concerns mounting that soon light and matter will also be sucked in.

Prof Cox said: “The red singularity is one of those rare wonders in science that can't help but fill one with a sense of the divine.

“Mr Corbyn’s magnetism appears to be straddling the electromagnetic spectrum like a fat boy on a butcher’s bike.”

Copies of the Daily Express can be held up when near the Corbynator as a means of protection, but for many it is already too late.

Three Dodo Times reporters have found themselves trapped by the red menace – Xenu willing, they will emerge unscathed.

We did not approach Mr Corbyn for a comment because he is a cad and a bounder and would only start spouting communist propaganda before chinning our photographer.

China discovers cock on moon, NASA blamed.

by Colin Dignitas

United States space agency NASA was embroiled in scandal yesterday when newly taken images of the Apollo 17 landing site by a Chinese space camera revealed what appears to be a giant penis etched into the lunar surface.

Space High Imaging Technology Enterprise - the Chinese company behind the new images – started taking the new images three months ago to go into a touring exhibition that will travel across China as part of the government’s campaign to publicise their intention to send a crew of Chinese astronauts to the Moon in 2018. Herbert Chung, head of operations at S.H.I.T.E. told the story of his discovery to me via Skype earlier today.

“I came to work one morning last week and began to review the images that had been taken overnight. I looked down and saw a huge penis looking back up at me and I immediately called in my secretary to show her. Her mouth was open and she took a step back in astonishment. She said she had never seen one that large.”

Mr. Chung then enlarged the penis and took it to show the president of the company, Hu Xiao Dong, who immediately alerted his contacts within the newly unveiled Chinese government. It has not been confirmed whether the images will be used in the exhibition, but if they are the penis is likely to be pixelated as it is illegal to display such images according to Chinese law.

NASA is yet to comment officially on the discovery, however a source within the catering department at the Houston branch secretly told me that there had been much talk of the discovery in the staff canteen.

“There has been much talk of the discovery in the staff canteen.” He told me secretly. “The rumour is that either Eugene Cernan or Harrison Schmidt did it with their foot, or maybe a stick they found somewhere, those guys got up to all kinds of stuff when there were in space, it wouldn’t surprise me if they found a ton of other body parts scratched into the lunar dust. Or maybe even words, probably something nasty about hairy Russian women.”

NASA been bogged down with controversy in recent years following the revelation that Apollo 15 astronaut James Irwin accidentally killed his pet dog Chachi after leaving the window of the Lunar Module open so it didn’t get too hot while he and Mission Commander David Scott were out walking around. The dog escaped and floated off into space and got run over by an asteroid. The body orbited the Moon for nearly 8 months before being recovered by the crew of Apollo 16 and brought back to Earth where it was put on display in the NASA museum. It was the only American dog ever lost on a space mission.

This latest scandal will hit NASA hard at a time when many are questioning its continued publicly-funded role in modern American society at a time of severe austerity.

Debunked: Jesus' most famous miracles.

by John Littlejohn,

Jesus Haroldo Christ

Over the Christmas period, a time of celebration for everyone to pay tribute the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus H. Christ whether they are Christians or not, heathen scientographers have been working tirelessly to debunk two of the King of the Jews’ best known miracles. These are the same people who spoilt magnets for the rest of us.
Miracle 1 – Jesus walks on water.
In one of Jesus’ most favouritest miracles, The Redeemer was witnessed walking upon the surface of the Sea of Galilee. Though scientographers have no reason to deny that Jesus did actually walk on water, they have noted that the explanation is rooted in reality rather than religious mumbo-jumbo. According to Prof. Barry Magdalene, as the Good Shepherd was the King of the Jews, it follows that Jesus was a member of the world’s elite. According to Dr. David Ike, the world elite (known as the Babylonian Brotherhood) are actually a sinister group of 16-foot high shape-shifting lizards. But it does not stop there: Prof. Magdalene points to the Jesus Lizard, a lizard famous for running along the surface of water, and an animal to which the Son of God was probably named after. Thus it follows that the King of Men was a shape shifting Jesus Lizard.

Is this mere coincidence or evidence of darker forces at work? There is no evidence to suggest that it is not evidence, which makes it definitely true.


Miracle 2 – Jesus feeds the 5,000.
In this miracle, the realisation of God’s miracle on Earth turned five loaves of bread and two unspecified fish into a heart meal for 5,000 revellers during one of the J-Man’s biggest gigs. Speculation and debate has raged for centuries as to how the Truth, the Way and the Light could make such meagre foodstuff spread so thinly. The current theory that the two fish in question were actually blue whales is still hotly contested.

New evidence discovered by Prof. Bernard Berdardson suggests that this story was more a miracle of technical financial scammery than culinary magic. He argues quite convincingly that after turning the loaves and fish into fish fingers, the resultant fishy sticks were passed around the crowd with each person being promised fish finger futures. The transactions, which are very complicated, involve an ever-deferred potential fish finger-based transaction in which only a few people walk away with the much-fingered fingers. Financial experts describe this as a “kind of reverse pyramid scheme” in which the earlier you get in on the finger train, the less likely you are to see a fishy return.

With everybody in the crowd assured that they had received a free fish finger, the transaction took on a life of its own. Many of the relatives of the original fish finger receivers are still yet to receive their delicious snack. A spokesman from hedge fund Christian Investment Solutions who are overseeing the fish finger futures debacle have noted that people were told at the time that they were investing in potential fish fingers, not actual fish fingers. Fish finger futures dipped 34 points on the back of this news.

Wimbledon Exclusive: Wombles ask just to be left alone

By Edgar Chalmers

Great Uncle Bulgaria, yesterday

As the dust settles at London SW19 for another year, all of Great Britain and Scotland is celebrating Andy Murray’s momentous victory for England with a well-earned jug of Pimm’s and some Strawberries and cream.

All good and well you might think, but about the little guys? I’m not talking about the ball boys here but a group of furry little creatures known as ‘Wombles’.

The Wombles migrated from Wembley, North London around 1922 when they heard about the plans to build The Empire Stadium on their land. They moved to Wimbledon knowing that the Tennis championships would be held there but were assured of their safety by the patrons of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.

For many years, they lived perfectly peacefully without any torment but in recent time, the patrons of ‘Henman Hill’ have made life impossible for them. We got a word with an upper-middle-class bit of crumpet on the hill when she saw our camera and started waving incessantly at us; this is what Harmony Carmichael had to say with an annoying rising inflection: ‘They are sooooooo cute and retro, I just want one so much. I asked daddy to get me one and through his contacts at the construction firm he owns, the digging started straight away. I saw a load of them scatter and I didn’t get one but that’s cool because they should be free anyway and I’m going to spend my gap year on safari looking after animals that are being poached by humans because humans are a problem for animals.’

We managed to get up close to these creatures and curiously enough, some of them could talk. Their representative, Geoff Orinoco was able to offer an insight: ‘What about us? We’re supposed to be a protected species these days, these posh twats are harassing us every year and our numbers are dwindling. I’m trying to look after my great uncle Bulgaria who needs round the clock care for his demntia but this situation has forced us to consider other options. We have decided that Wimbledon is too small for us Wombles so we are going elsewhere, perhaps North Wales, perhaps Dartmoor, just somewhere where we can be left alone and try to build a little colony of our own. Do not try to find us, we really don’t need your “help”’.

The Wombles have now been reclassified as ‘Critically Endangered’ and anyone found bothering them can receive up to two years in prison and an unlimited fine.

Adorable or not, you have been warned.

Giraffes 'an abomination' declares Pope; Anglicans split.

by John Littlejohn

The Catholic Church was embroiled in controversy last night as Pope Benedict (pictured) declared giraffes to be an ‘abomination of God’, and urged that they be wiped out as a species.

Speaking at the UN conference on animal welfare, Pope Benedict stated that ‘all animals are part of God’s divine plan, and should be respected as such’. He went on to say that ‘giraffes must be wiped out; they are an abomination of God, and incontrovertible evidence that Satan is walking among us.’ He explained that ‘humans have seven bones in their necks, and their necks are this long (pointing to his neck); giraffes has seven bones in their necks, but they will reach to the sky – this is a clear contradiction of all that is Holy.’

The Pope has suggested radical steps for reducing the giraffe population. He urges anyone with access to giraffes to place condoms in their nests. This will, he stated, ‘kill them all with AIDS.’ (Catholic dogma clearly states that condoms cause AIDS).

The controversy has spread to the Anglican Church who are now split over the issue. The ultra-conservative African Church has already begun distributing condoms to giraffe nests, whilst the European arm of the Church has urged caution, with Arch Bishop Franklin Mint arguing ‘we have assumed for centuries that Noah must have a given giraffes a ride on his ark. I’m not sure where the Pope has got his information.’

PETA have supported the proposals.