Eurovision Vision

Lydia Muff-Footle

Roll out the red carpet and pop open the Bolly’ guys, it’s Eurovision time! Each year we Brits love to gather round the TV to take part in this national event.

Watching on 52” flat screens specially hire-purchased for the event from Bright House thousands will be asking those same old questions: Will the Australians pull off another feat of Gregorian chanting? Will the Indians do any of that charming dancing they do in their films? Will the Egyptians be walking like Egyptians yet again? And the Canadians.

However you watch it and whoever you’re rooting for don’t forget me, reader, because I’ve got a little surprise: I’ll be commentating on the whole night, live!* Screw you Norton, who’s Chat Queen now?

So bring on the booze, pop open the Twiglets and get ready to listen, laugh and post god awful boring Eurovision Tweets whilst I amuse you with my sparkling wit and teasing banter.
*On the red button, channel 819, LifestyleQuatreVous

Fake news in decline, real news blamed

The Imperial Palace, Brighton - Yesterday

Satirical news websites are struggling to make ends meet because so-called real news is becoming increasingly hilarious.

Spoof news websites The Dodo Times and The Onion are having trouble coming up with fresh ‘news’ in the face of a torrent of ridiculous and outlandish stories published by the self-styled ‘legitimate’ press.

News stories such as the Justin Bieber monkey saga, the EDL’s architectural gaffe, and the news that Liverpool FC striker Luis Suarez being cast as ‘Blackula’ has left spoof news editors worldwide to shaking their collective noggins in disbelief.

Vidalia Onion, Assistant Regional Developmental Operative of satirical news agency, The Onion, said: “How are we meant to compete with this bullshit? We spend hours trying to come with the funniest spoof news stories. We turn on the TV and some senator has posted a picture of his cock on Twitter – and his name is actually Weiner. Just how are we supposed to compete with that?”

Jimmy LeVell-Barlow-Hall the bawdy former Director General of the sex monster sanctuary known colloquially as the BBC, said: “legitimate news agencies cannot be blamed for the 14.2% net increase in daftness and a whopping 71% rise in general buffoonery.”

Celebrity anti-free speech advocate, Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) said: “I think that it was Samuel Taylor Coleridge what said: ‘if you daub a Swastika on your bum with in the presence of twenty four prostitutes and school children in the middle of Trafalgar Square, that’s your private business.’ I don’t see why Ant and/or Dec should become press fodder for these activities, don’t they have the same rights as Joe Schmo?”

A spokeslady from the spoof journalists’ union, the NUSJ, said: “we are doing everything that we can for our members during these testing times but when Ant and/or Dec continue with their bizarre sex games, what can you do?”

Six former BBC execs to burn over Savile scandal

by Rod Ladle

Six former BBC executives (pictured) named in the aftermath of the Jimmy Savile scandal are to be burned alive in a giant wicker Jim’ll Fix It chair after a House of Commons debate ruled that the punishment was proportionate to their ignorance.

Following an online petition on the government’s e-petitions website which was posted by a crazed member of the Great British Public, the subject qualified for a Commons debate after getting around 300,000 signatures, three times more than the 100,000 required to prompt Commons action on the matter.

Ministers later voted overwhelmingly in favour of putting the idea into action with nearly two-and-a-half thirds of the 17 ministers present siding with the petitioner. The government’s secretary for combustion and reedgrass renderings, Fenton Prickersley, released a statement on his Facebook page reading, ‘Following the scandalous revelations which have come to light over the past few months, I think it only fair that those guilty of being in the general vicinity of Savile and not knowing about what he was doing in private pay the highest possible price for their ignorance. I hope this sends a strong message out to those in high positions who also are not aware of their co-workers’ potential sexual offences – we will find you, and we will burn you.’

Social networking sites like Twitter came alive after the news broke, with opinion overwhelmingly in favour of the measures.

@ClitorinaScrunt said: ‘I always thought Savile looked a bit rapey. They should dig him up and burn him too, that will show him!’

@joeyrobocock0207 tweeted: ‘dey shud dig him up n freeze him so dey can bring him back in d future and kill him proper’

But not everybody was on the government’s side. User @SpadgersBobbins said: ‘This is silly. How were they supposed to know what somebody was doing behind closed doors?’

That account was later blocked and the user tracked down and placed on the sex offenders register for two years.

A date has not yet been confirmed, but the burning is likely to take place in Scarborough, possibly just yards away from evil Savile’s seaside sex lair, and is expected to attract a crowd of several thousand boss-eyed braying loons from all around the country. The BBC was unavailable for comment.