Celebs set for new jungle challenge

by Robert Kilgore Trout

The Dodo Times has learned that ITV1 hit show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Here will be filmed in Calais from next year.

The show, which gained popularity by degrading and humiliating scores of hapless B-list celebs, will see 16 vaguely famous contestants endure the hardship of the Jungle for six weeks in an effort to raise their profile.

Throughout the process, the desperate attention-cravers will take on a series of challenges which include: the catching, skinning and eating of rats, cats, dogs and refugees; negotiating for their lives and internal organs with Syrian gangsters; and to try and board the underside of a truck without falling to their deaths or dying from exposure.

Ant and/or Dec, yesterday

A number Heat-seekers have already expressed an interest in taking part, including: that one off of Gogglebox; the guy who did that beard growing video on YouTube; and UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Vanessa Feltz's bloke Big Ben said the show looks to be a 'rip-roaring, laugh-a-minute, hilarity-fest'.

He said: "I'm throwing my hat into the ring, again. I'm hoping this time they take me on.

"I've been in Look, Now, Heat - I was on Pointless Celebrities and I did that song. You know? That song: 'Hey, what's wrong with you-oo-oo?' That was me."

Ubiquitous ITV staples Ant and/or Dec have confirmed they will be presenting and executive producing the show.

In an intercepted phone message to the other one, Ant and/or Dec said: "Oh no, PJ's blind! Remember that? Remember Ready to Rumble? Oh, why aye, that was good that was."

It is predicted that on Ant and/or Dec will emerge from the process with their dignities intact.

Follow: @TheDodoTimes.

Ant and Dec 'caught in bizarre sex act'

by John Littlejohn,

Cheeky chappy TV duo Anthony McFarland and Declan Donnelly, affectionately known by their adoring fans as cheeky chappy TV duo Ant and Dec (pictured), have been caught engaging in bizarre sex games by one of our Dodo celebrity news stalkers.

The act, which is too heinous to describe, involved Anthony and Declan standing atop of a high platform and defecating heavily onto a giant sign emblazoned with the words ‘The British Public’. They were seen laughing hysterically whilst engaging in the ploperfic act, with one witness describing both the act and the resultant defecation as ‘really quite nutty’.

After completing this scatological act, both men were seen running away from the scene giggling like perverts and carrying big handfuls of cash. Declan was seen asking an 87 year old woman how old she was, and then congratulating her on being that old; Anthony quickly pulled him away exclaimed ‘not now’.

When quizzed, Anthony said ‘this is just a smear campaign; we’ve been shitting on the British Public for years and walking away with handfuls of cash - I don’t know what the problem is.’

It has also been rumoured that three ITV executives, two high-ranking members of the Conservative party and Piers Morgan were also involved.

Celeb Resolutions, 2013.

The Dodo Times reveals the New Year resolutions of the great and good.

Nick Clegg – Nick was going to promise to stand up for his real values, but was quickly shouted down by David Cameron (pictured) and promised to give up chocolate instead.

Pippa Middleton – Has promised her sister that she won’t try and outshine the birth of the royal baby by withdrawing her arse from all public engagements.

Colin Collymore – The Dodo Times’ sports writer has declared that he will himself be sportier. On the list of sports that he will take up are rhythmic badminton, drunken judo and the 110m hurdles.

Piers Morgan – Piers promised to stop being a complete and utter cunt, but failed his resolution mere seconds after the final chimes of Big Ben.

Michael Barrymore – The presenter of the ever-popular Strike it Lucky and Strike it Rich has promised to keep on top of cleaning his swimming pool.

Gail from Coronation Street – Has promised to use 2013 to grow a chin.

Edgar Chalmers – The Dodo Times’ paranoia writer will be making an effort to understand other cultures and to embrace new things, so long as they aren’t foreign.

Tom Baker - Has vowed to try and patch things up with his estranged body, with the hope that he can be more than a dis-embodied voice.

Lily Allen – Has vowed to record more shows on her ‘loverlly’ Sky Plus box. Hopefully with all that TV to watch, it will keep her out of the recording studio.

Brian Blessed – Brian will be striving to use his indoor voice.

Lydia Muff-Footle – The Dodo Times’ female correspondent has vowed to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, like Belgian chocs, store cards and killer heels. And has promised to have “fun fun fun!”and keep on showing the boys how it’s done.

Paul McCartney – See Piers Morgan.

And finally, John Littlejohn has vowed to bring back National Service...

Rik Astley concert ends 'in chaos'.

by John Littlejohn

A sell-out concert of 80s pop-heartthrob Rik Astley (pictured) ended in chaos last night as thousands of adoring fans rioted and demanded a full refund costing the venue, the promoter and the artist thousands of pounds in lost revenue and reparations.

The violence started when 80s pop-sensation Astley performed his popular hit ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ to the packed arena. Expecting universal and unrelenting adulation, Astley was shocked to be quickly drowned out by the sound of boos, cat-calls and the smashing of chairs and toilet seats. Bottles and glasses were thrown stage-bound with reckless abandon as Astley’s aides quickly removed him from the fray.

One eye-witness reported seeing a middle-aged fat woman and a couple of students who were there ironically hurling one of Astley’s amplifiers into the merchandise stand, ripping four T-shirts and knocking over a life-sized Astley love doll featuring two usable holes and a vibrating protrusion.

One rioter noted that the violence started when the audience believed that the show had been a dupe. “I paid good money to see Rik Astley, but when I realised I’d been Rik-rolled I knew it was time to smash some shit up.” Another rioter told our reporter that the show had been going swimmingly “until he fucking tricked us into watching ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ – fucker”.

With five people dead and the ashes of the Leyton Buzzard Academy still smouldering, we say that it is high time that Astley was strung-up. I didn’t pay my licence fee for this.

SPOTTED!

by Rod Ladle

As ever, our crack team of celebrity spotters have been tirelessly working to bring you the latest and most up-to-date celebrity sightings anywhere on the internet.

SPOTTED: We saw ANGELINA JOLIE in Homebase in Rhyll, buying a large bag of sawdust. For husband Brad’s pet hamster, maybe?

SPOTTED: PAUL DANIELS using a photo booth in a Boots store in central London yesterday. Going on holiday Paul, or just updating your driving license?

SPOTTED: Uh-oh! We might have spotted DANNY DYER shoplifting candy floss from a market trader in Camden on Saturday. Don’t worry Danny, we won’t tell, don’t send your gangster friends after us!

SPOTTED: Was that DAVID BECKHAM sitting on the coin-operated monkey racing car ride outside Tesco in Droitwich last night? Don’t cry David, we’re sure that Victoria will be back soon with 50p so you can have another go.

SPOTTED: Our sources tell us that SIR PATRICK MOORE showed up at a class teaching Morenada dancing in Buckinghamshire on Tuesday night to prepare for a cruise holiday around the coast of Bolivia. Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do, Sir Patrick!

SPOTTED: TOM CRUISE in full Samurai dress using a ceremonial katana to slice frozen chickens in two at the meat counter in Aldi in Hollywood.

SPOTTED: Lord Alan Sugar (pictured) posing for a caricature artist in London’s Trafalgar Square. Our source says that Lord Sugar wasn’t best pleased with the portrait though, which looked like a cartoon teddy bear. Sounds accurate to us, Alan!

Keep those celebrity spots coming in!

Exclusive: Celebrity racing pundit John McCririck 'not dead'.

by Rod Ladle

Racing pundit John McCririck (pictured), who was in the news recently after being sacked from his position as ‘Head of Horses and Watching Them Run Around’ at Channel 4 for being too old, is not dead, The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal.

McCririck, 72, now spends his days standing at the front window of his Surrey home commentating and giving odds as people from his local area walk by with their dogs. Occasionally he will potter around in his shed inventing new devices to make day-to-day tasks more convenient, and has just filed a patent for a new piece of cutlery called a ‘Knork’ which combines a razor-sharp knife blade with a standard four-pronged fork, and saves on time and expensive water when washing up.

Wife Jenny, nicknamed ‘The Booby’ by McCririck (after the seabird of the same name due to her blue feet and acrid smell of fish) confirmed our findings by telephone yesterday, telling us, ‘He’s definitely not dead. He’s at the window as we speak, waving his arms at the neighbours and giving them odds on the man from number 32’s greyhound doing a poo on the grass verge. It’s 2/1 at the moment.’ The man from number 32 was unavailable for comment.

The Lady Dodo: Goss, goss, goss!!!

Lydia Muff-Footle has had her minions scouring the celebrity scene to give you the latest goss.

What's Hot

Peephole Onesies - Easy access for fleecy frolics.
Tony Blackburn - This hot up and coming new DJ known for frequenting the hottest urban nightspots will be rocking your winter so keep it tuned to radio 2!
Carbon - Move over Lead - Carbon is THE new element to be seen with according to celebrity stalkers.

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What's Not?

Oxygen - Yeah, we know we totally need you to live but like stop going on about it...
The internet - Don't tell US what to think...
Parrots - Who DO they think they are?

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Fashion

Charcoal is the new ebony
Asparagus Green is the new Apple Green
Crimson Red is the new Ruby Red

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Celeb Rumours

Out of the jungle and into the off licence?
We spotted Brian Conley walking out of his local Threshers with a bottle of Jacob's Creek - Didn't take you long to get back into the habit, did it Brian?
Fat or Pregnant? You decide.
We've noticed that Breaking Dawn star Ashley Tisdale has a bit of a bulge going on - winter blubber, illegitimate baby or both?
DLTV?
With recent appearances on TV's 'The News', we have it on good authority that Radio Star Dave Lee Travis (pictured) is finally about to launch his TV career.
All of us at The Lady Dodo wish him luck, but hello? Lose the beard!

Face of Michael Jackson appears on La Toya Jackson's face.

by Rod Ladle

There was shock in the entertainment world last night when an apparent miracle took place on La Toya Jackson’s face. Ms. Jackson (pictured) was the guest of honour at the opening of a brand new celebrity ice-skating rink in the Hollywood Arndale Centre, when the image of her late brother, the singer and dancer Michael Jackson, suddenly appeared on her face.

There were gasps of astonishment from the audience as the image also seemed to speak out in a voice very similar to that of the deceased monochromatic entertainer, even finishing the speech that La Toya was giving about how ice-skating was an activity that even the poorest Hollywood star had a right to enjoy.

La Toya Jackson, a singer and entertainer herself in some respects, seemed unaware of the phenomena and spent almost 20 full minutes circulating amongst the crowds afterwards, all the time completely oblivious to the events that had just taken place on her face.

Nobody in the shocked crowd dared to bring up the subject given the frostiness of her relationship with her former brother, which, even though the pair made peace shortly after his death, was never as close as the one he had with his other siblings. This Morning’s celebrity medium Angelica Pube told the Dodo Times, ‘This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. People who pass away in troubled or difficult circumstances often come back from the spirit realm as they have unfinished business here on Earth; or sometimes their auras are left behind to revisit significant locations from their lives. I would imagine that Michael had unfinished business on La Toya’s face.’

This is the latest in a series of sightings of Jackson’s ghost in recent months, with reports that the King of Pop’s image has also been spotted in the meat department of Harrods, the monkey house at Los Angeles zoo, and a Detroit branch of Mothercare, among other places.

Government announce merger between two of Britain’s finest exports.

by Rod Ladle

It was announced last night that popular boybands The Wanted and One Direction (pictured) are to be merged as part of a £1bn package of cuts across the entertainments world. Damien Spudswell, Government Entertainments minister says that the merger will provide even better value for fans and will not detract from their enjoyment of the groups.

Speaking in an interview to be broadcast on youth TV channel SpunkzTV over the weekend, Mr. Spudswell said, “Merging them was the logical step to take in these tough times of cuts and austerity. They’re basically the same anyway, I doubt anybody will really notice the difference, like when Robbie Williams left Take That and his mass was replaced by Gary Barlow putting on weight. Everybody wins.”

The reaction amongst fans of the two groups has been divided, with many taking to social networking sites to voice their concerns at the move. @DougieHoleman tweeted on Twitter: “My only concern is that somebody will start wearing a hat and I’ll have to buy one. Hats ain’t cheap you know lol!”

On a Facebook fan profile, The Wanted fan Anita Wookieback posted a picture of some strands of hair she had pulled out and a message reading, “For my darling Max, this is literally worse than death.”

But self-proclaimed ‘biggest 1D superfan’ @VeronicaPenge was more upbeat about the plans, tweeting: “as long as harry stays is all gud. luv harry 4ever!!!”

David Cameron was quick to defend the plan, saying that it will be a great boost for the UK economy. Speaking from his affluent south-west London home this morning, the Prime Minister said, “Let me be absolutely clear on this – we can not afford to continue spending on extravagances like boybands when honest, decent working class people like you and I are literally starving on the streets.” Labour leader Ed Miliband was less than enthusiastic however and released this statement via his mouth on BBC breakfast TV earlier, “Is it right that in these tough economic times, the entertainments industry is being forced to downsize its boyband output? Manufacturing boybands is a proud British tradition, and this new initiative will have a negative effect on our industry and could potentially devastate the infrastructure of British life.”

Rumours of future plans to consolidate Jedward into a single, more manageable person could not be confirmed at this point.