The Dodo Times' Review of the Year 2012 - Part One.

Chavez: 'Sexy'.

2012 is coming to a close, but what a momentous year of fear it has been: the economy has continued to act like a brain-damaged step-son who, if we lock in the attic and ignore for long enough, will probably sort itself out; Leveson realised that the newspapers were acting like a bunch of twats (the Dodo Times was one of the very few publications praised for its moral integrity and commitment to truth) and it was revealed that every person who worked in the entertainment industry in the 1970’s was indeed, “probably”, a nonce.

And how about that weather? Tsk.

It’s now time to take a look back at one of the most eventful 2012s in history.

Happy new year, from Team The Dodo Times Team, GB.



January

2012 kicked off with the release of umpteen books relating to the Mayan end of the world theory, predicted to occur towards the end of the year. Henrietta Stevens, 34 year old mother of 2.4 from Surrey, later revealed that the whole theory was based upon an erroneous interpretation of a prediction she made when playing a gypsy fortune teller at the local village fete, in which she foretold that cloth-eared neighbour Mrs Mable Myanthorpe would “meet a tall, dark handsome stranger on her hols in Llandudno and come into a bit of cash.”

Also this month, the cruise ship Costa Concrapia was named World’s Largest Seafaring Piñata by the Special Brew Book of World Records.



February

This was the month that saw celebrity heathen Professor Richard Dawkin admit that he wasn’t really an atheist. He told one of our reporters over a romantic dinner that “after reading Hume I realised that religion and empiricism are both faith-based systems” adding later that “an agnostic stance won’t sell books”. He then impregnated our lady reporter and forced her to have an abortion, which he performed using a coat hanger and hot bath.

Also this month, Silvio Berlisconni was found impaled on a 36 inch rubber phallus after he was “reattaching a curtain pole” and he “fell off a ladder”, where his trousers “wrapped around a hook and ripped” before falling onto a “piece of modern art”. When questioned, he could not explain why the dildo was slathered in lubrication jelly.



March

This was the month that saw the start of the British Comedy Crisis, when it was revealed that the world’s observation reserves had been over-mined by unimaginative comedians. Comedians Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye have been accused of being ‘observation hogs’. It is now impossible for a comedian to make a joke about airline peanuts, awkward social situations, or stuff from the 80s without drawing a blank. On numerous occasions, Billy Connelly found himself uttering the phrase “why do people do that?” before realising that he hadn’t been able to draw on a humorous yet revealing observation about everyday life. Even Jim Davidson has been affected, with his observations about Black people and homosexuals coming to an abrupt halt before he had chance to cause offence.

Also this month celebrity Scientographer Tom Cruise(pictured) was declared the “most beautiful of American pig dog imperialists” by Hugo Chavez.