Food – Scratchings are in, guys and gals. Whether it’s starling, horse or kangaroo scratchings, or even latest trend - beaver scratching... they’re *DAM* (geddit? Beavers build dams!) tasty!
Drink – Sherry is making a comeback so don’t be surprised to see people ordering a double Sherry shooter in the trendiest of trendy nightspots in the capital such as ‘The Red Lion’ and ‘The Bulls Head’. ‘Sherry Bombs’ (a measure of Sherry in a pint of Bombardier bitter - lush) have been seen in the trembling hands of Pam St. Clement, Dane Bowers and Trevor of ‘Trev and Simon’ fame but not Simon of ‘Trev and Simon’ fame.
Fitness - After binging and purging on all that great food and drink, it’s time to get rid of those spare tyres because you don’t deserve to feel good about yourself unless you’re thin - you horrendous, decomposing, bloated, beached Sea Cow with stretch marks who won’t bag a man. 2013 will see the rise of new ‘ercises’ and ‘umbas’ such as Hermit-Crabercise where you can live your regular busy life (chocolate and going on dates, eh girls?) by walking round with a 17 stone shell on your back that only allows you to move sideways. Just watch those pounds fly off! It also doubles as a portable home office and nursery for the busy working mum. Also Fadumba – some faddy dance exercise crap.
Health and Wellbeing - Top of the new cutting edge diets in 2013 is the Monkey Sea Monkey Doo-Doo Diet, where the bulk of meals are made of ground up sea monkeys and primate poo poo. Check out www.monkeyseamonkeydoodoodietformyfatbelly.com for great recipes and tips.
Books - Historical S&M vampyre code breaking thriller “The Vatican Vampyre Code” is the new novel set for release in February 2013. This is based on the true story of a hunky time travelling curator and biblical scholar who uncovers the erotic secrets of the Vatican’s vampyre and S&M past. Phwoar! And at 400 pages and 300 chapters, it’ll make you feel dead clever for reading such a big book. We don’t need literary critics to tell us that you need good quality writing, a coherent plot and believable characters to make a sizzling read, do we girls?
Fashion - Trending in fashion in the new season is the early 1990’s TV detective look. Lovejoy and Bergerac set the trend with casual leather bomber jackets and stonewashed supermarket denim hitting the high street in early 2013. Die hard fashonistas should accessorise with paralysis and a wheelchair for the full Ironside look. Add a pair of cute kitten heels for a night on the town antiquing with the ambassador of sex and mullets, Ian McShane. Swoon!
Values - Existential nausea, nihilism and the increasing fear that one is staring into the infinite void of despair and hopelessness are the buzz words of the New Year. There’s never been a better time to bury yourself in mid twentieth century French philosophy, Alan Ginsberg, the colour pink and heroin, and look great doing it in a pair of cute kitten heels.
Technology - Apple will be launching the iPooed, a fascinating new device measuring only 3 x 3 inches to be worn internally that will finally tell us how long we spend pooing in an average lifetime. We didn’t know we needed it but we do, and soon we won’t be able to live without it. Available in white, pink, lime green and brown.
In the Bedroom - In 2013, you will be able to spice up your love life with a sexsay ‘Tar and Feather kit’ (£39.99 from your local Ann Summers shop). With one of these kits you can be the eiderdown of his dreams or turn your man into one helluva gorgeous love cushion – just bring me one of these kits and Richard Madeley (pictured), eh girls!? Combine these with the latest ‘Rubber Love Toads’ (£1.99 from JML catalogues) for a ribbetting good time...
Travel – Yates’s in Leicester is the place to be, as the great and the good will be seen here knocking back Sherry-Bombs and chomping on some crusty Beaver-Bits. If you want to join the jet-set, new towns are big news. Forget your walled cities and your outdated “culture”, you should head down to the holy trinity of Telford, Milton-Keynes and Stevenage, and sample the delights of three different Primarks, a plethora of pound shops and lashings of sweet, sweet Wetherspoon’s scratching platters and half gallon pitchers of Sherry Bombs to share... or not, eh girls!?
2013 looks set to be another rollercoaster of a year... see you in Yates’s girls!
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