Film drought predicted for 2015

A busy Steven Spielberg

By Edgar Chalmers

A Hollywood insider has announced that due to the number of adaptations, remakes, re-imaginings, long-term franchise sequels and apocryphal biopics, Tinsel-town is set to run out of new releases by around February 2015.

Stocks of existing stories such as Lés Mis, Matrix: Rebranded and Life of Pie, have been over-mined and the Script Writers and Movie Producers (SWAMP) organisation have been petitioned to come up with some fresh concepts or face a mass film famine.

Film makers are currently bidding at auction to buy the rights to make an adaptation of popular mummy-porn and practical-joke-gone-too-far, ‘Fifty Shades of…’ trilogy; the bidding is expected to reach a high eight figure mark.

In a bid to alleviate the crisis, noted filmmaker, Tim Burton has vowed to film some light reimaginings of his dark reimaginings. Titles to expect may include ‘Edward Normalhands’, ‘Beetlejuice goes to camp’ and ‘The pleasant dream before Christmas’ – Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are said to be delighted to be involved in these projects (TBC, but a foregone conclusion).

After several days’ pursuit, we caught up with Steven Spielberg (pictured) on the set of ‘Indiana Jones and the Ewoks’ Treasure’, and badgered him for his thoughts on the crisis: “Fuck it, we’ll just remake the remakes” said the baseball hatted twat.