Fake news in decline, real news blamed

The Imperial Palace, Brighton - Yesterday

Satirical news websites are struggling to make ends meet because so-called real news is becoming increasingly hilarious.

Spoof news websites The Dodo Times and The Onion are having trouble coming up with fresh ‘news’ in the face of a torrent of ridiculous and outlandish stories published by the self-styled ‘legitimate’ press.

News stories such as the Justin Bieber monkey saga, the EDL’s architectural gaffe, and the news that Liverpool FC striker Luis Suarez being cast as ‘Blackula’ has left spoof news editors worldwide to shaking their collective noggins in disbelief.

Vidalia Onion, Assistant Regional Developmental Operative of satirical news agency, The Onion, said: “How are we meant to compete with this bullshit? We spend hours trying to come with the funniest spoof news stories. We turn on the TV and some senator has posted a picture of his cock on Twitter – and his name is actually Weiner. Just how are we supposed to compete with that?”

Jimmy LeVell-Barlow-Hall the bawdy former Director General of the sex monster sanctuary known colloquially as the BBC, said: “legitimate news agencies cannot be blamed for the 14.2% net increase in daftness and a whopping 71% rise in general buffoonery.”

Celebrity anti-free speech advocate, Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) said: “I think that it was Samuel Taylor Coleridge what said: ‘if you daub a Swastika on your bum with in the presence of twenty four prostitutes and school children in the middle of Trafalgar Square, that’s your private business.’ I don’t see why Ant and/or Dec should become press fodder for these activities, don’t they have the same rights as Joe Schmo?”

A spokeslady from the spoof journalists’ union, the NUSJ, said: “we are doing everything that we can for our members during these testing times but when Ant and/or Dec continue with their bizarre sex games, what can you do?”