Jimmy Savile's zombie 'no longer a threat'

by John Littlejohn

It has been revealed today by a government Counter Undead Nonces and Terrorists operative that the body of celebrity nonce Jimmy Savile (pictured) has been exhumed and dezombiefied.

It was feared by CUNT that if and when the dead do rise, the last thing they want is a reanimated nonce fiddling from beyond the grave.

In a ritual performed late last night at Woodlands Cemetery, Scarborough, six CUNT agents were given permission to dig up the corpse of the former habitual fund-raiser and serial marathon runner, cut out his brain with a piece of jagged glass, remove his eyeballs, hands, legs and genitals, and burn them with the tongues of two dozen lizards before gathered locals danced around them with pitchforks and flaming torches singing the ‘bop-ba-bah’ bit from the Jim’ll Fix It song over and over again.

After two hours of complicated voodoo ritual and a frenzy of ‘now then, now then’ from the gathered mob, Savile’s casket was sealed within the broken dreams of hundreds of Jim’ll Fix It badges, and buried beneath 6 feet of solid concrete.

Although CUNT are now assured that Savile will no longer be able to commit paedophilic acts if and when the dead rise, they fear that Savile’s unrested soul may now haunt the dreams of children in the vein of Freddy Kruger, stars of such films as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, and Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.