Michael Aspel performs his second miracle

by Rod Ladle

Aspel, yesterday

Veteran broadcaster Michael Aspel (pictured) is one step closer to being canonised as a saint after performing a second miracle.

The 93-year-old presenter was praised by Cardinals at Pope HQ after not dropping the N-bomb while reciting the children’s nursery rhyme ‘Eeny, meeny, miny, moe’.

Cardinal Chung Nabooti Mohammed-Jones said: “Many have used all of their might and all of their power not to use the N-word.

“Through the grace of God Michael has performed a miracle, replacing the most dreadful of words with God’s holy creation – the tiger.

“Instead of begging for forgiveness like a chump on the YouTube, he has moved one step closer to Godliness.”

Sources close to Aspel have said he was trying to choose which one of the Ant and/or Dec he would like to kiss hardest.

For his first miracle, Aspel avoided the prying eyes of Yew tree operatives after no allegations of sexual offences dating back to the 1970s were made to police.