Debunked: Jesus' most famous miracles.

by John Littlejohn,

Jesus Haroldo Christ

Over the Christmas period, a time of celebration for everyone to pay tribute the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus H. Christ whether they are Christians or not, heathen scientographers have been working tirelessly to debunk two of the King of the Jews’ best known miracles. These are the same people who spoilt magnets for the rest of us.
Miracle 1 – Jesus walks on water.
In one of Jesus’ most favouritest miracles, The Redeemer was witnessed walking upon the surface of the Sea of Galilee. Though scientographers have no reason to deny that Jesus did actually walk on water, they have noted that the explanation is rooted in reality rather than religious mumbo-jumbo. According to Prof. Barry Magdalene, as the Good Shepherd was the King of the Jews, it follows that Jesus was a member of the world’s elite. According to Dr. David Ike, the world elite (known as the Babylonian Brotherhood) are actually a sinister group of 16-foot high shape-shifting lizards. But it does not stop there: Prof. Magdalene points to the Jesus Lizard, a lizard famous for running along the surface of water, and an animal to which the Son of God was probably named after. Thus it follows that the King of Men was a shape shifting Jesus Lizard.

Is this mere coincidence or evidence of darker forces at work? There is no evidence to suggest that it is not evidence, which makes it definitely true.


Miracle 2 – Jesus feeds the 5,000.
In this miracle, the realisation of God’s miracle on Earth turned five loaves of bread and two unspecified fish into a heart meal for 5,000 revellers during one of the J-Man’s biggest gigs. Speculation and debate has raged for centuries as to how the Truth, the Way and the Light could make such meagre foodstuff spread so thinly. The current theory that the two fish in question were actually blue whales is still hotly contested.

New evidence discovered by Prof. Bernard Berdardson suggests that this story was more a miracle of technical financial scammery than culinary magic. He argues quite convincingly that after turning the loaves and fish into fish fingers, the resultant fishy sticks were passed around the crowd with each person being promised fish finger futures. The transactions, which are very complicated, involve an ever-deferred potential fish finger-based transaction in which only a few people walk away with the much-fingered fingers. Financial experts describe this as a “kind of reverse pyramid scheme” in which the earlier you get in on the finger train, the less likely you are to see a fishy return.

With everybody in the crowd assured that they had received a free fish finger, the transaction took on a life of its own. Many of the relatives of the original fish finger receivers are still yet to receive their delicious snack. A spokesman from hedge fund Christian Investment Solutions who are overseeing the fish finger futures debacle have noted that people were told at the time that they were investing in potential fish fingers, not actual fish fingers. Fish finger futures dipped 34 points on the back of this news.